Summer Summary

Wow, it is been a while since I have written anything other than work emails and grocery lists. To me, this summer hasn’t even felt real between not having to prep to move back to college this month, pack up my cubicle at a summer internship, and (you guessed it) – COVID. I’ve been asked if I’m enjoying “adulting,” and truth be told, I am feeling very grateful that I dodged the college bullet this time around because I feel for the incoming freshmen and rising seniors that have had their most memorable years intercepted by Covid. I can confidently say this summer has been one of the best I have ever had, and I can thank a few people and places for that. I have realized so much about myself, what actually matters, and that I am fantastic at learning from making mistakes (there have been many). With that, here is a summer summary of all I have been up to!


June

Alpaca’d my bags for a South Dakota wedding

Covid has thrown quite a wrench in plans; especially wedding plans. When my best friend told me her wedding was moved to an alpaca farm in South Dakota, I had no clue what that would entail. The venue was unique; like a tiny town filled with a farmhouse, guest houses, so much green space, and of course, alpacas everywhere. It turned out to be a great weekend with so many laughs and a whole lotta love. Seeing Anna read her vows just like we talked about when we were little finally cracked me and I got happy tears for the first time in my life. It was a blast getting ready with the girls in the morning as we cranked up the tunes, got our hair done, and enjoyed our time doing all the girly things that I’ll never admit I actually like doing. The bridesmaids stayed in our own rustic little house which felt like the ultimate middle school sleepover including giddy girl talk, and bachelorette festivities in which I learned I am absolutely terrible at the bachelorette version of pin the tail on the donkey (terrible, as in, put my paper underpants on a mug hanging on an adjacent wall).

Before we left the girl cave for the ceremony, we all circled around Anna, placing a hand on her and each praying over her and her new life she was about to begin minutes away. In that moment, a flashback played in my mind of our childhood filled with matching outfits, forts built, movie nights, waterpark days, watching fireworks every year on 4th of July together, lunch dates, Starbucks chats during breaks in college talking about the future, and all the milestones we shared together up until this one. This was one of the most moving moments I have experienced in my life, and God’s presence was felt when it was my turn to pray over the sister I never had. Definitely hard to choke back the tears, those flashbacks get me every time! I am so thankful I got to witness her happily ever after…and get a picture with an alpaca which I’m way more excited about than I should be, as you can see, nothing but pure joy.

Found myself a fine fella

Since my work start date was pushed to July, I had all the time in the world, but no clue how to fill it. I mean, there is only so much grocery shopping, and cleaning I can do! God must have seen my countless occurrences of vacuuming an already vacuumed floor because He gave me the best distraction from my housewife-like duties that now occupies the majority of my free time. I have always been a pretty independent person, so if you told me in May I would be going from doing most things on my own; to having a gym buddy, dinner date to test out new places with , bachelor Monday companion, and would be spending almost every single day of the week with some dude named Jeff- I probably would have looked at you like you had five eyeballs. This has now become the best reality and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love having a constant person to call up, confide in, experience new experiences with, embarrass myself in front of, and have fun with all the time even if it’s just a trip to the grocery store.

I can confidently say my summer would not have been as fulfilling and eventful without him and all we’ve done together. Meeting him shortly after I moved in is something I credit to God’s good timing, because I can’t even tell you what I would have done all summer, or how I would have adjusted to being on my own for the first time! What a blessing it is having a partner in crime to navigate this weird time of life, create new inside jokes and routines with, and go on new adventures to check off items on our “date list”. It’s a great feeling when you find someone who brings out the best in you; especially parts of you that you never knew were there before, the parts you forgot you had, and makes you forget about the parts you don’t like. While I did just fine going 22 years without this dude named Jeff; I like the version of myself when I’m with him and who he pushes me to be- healthier and happier. He’s now become a new character I can write into my story- and sometimes the most impactful characters aren’t the ones at the beginning. I now know what it feels like to be respected, cared for, accepted for being me and all that entails, what a good jump shot actually looks like, how important values and interests are, going to the bathroom at their place for the first time is nothing to be afraid of (don’t even pretend y’all don’t know what I’m talking about), independence all the time isn’t necessarily a good thing, and that corn hole can get pretty competitive. For the record, this is as smitten kitten and you’ll probably ever see me be. Consider it a one time only exclusive.

Celebrated my first project

To give some context; I was told by Boom Lab upon being hired that there are few times where consultants will be chosen to interview for a project before they even complete their training, so when I was told that Allianz wanted to interview me for a position- I was somewhat surprised because I was the only psychology major while the rest of my coworker consultants were business or computer science. I felt a sense of accomplishment I had never felt before because I realized that the untraditional route to the business world didn’t hurt me, but rather helped me. I’ve always worked hard to get to where I am even when it scares me and I have no clue what I am doing, but I know what potential I have, the work I’ll put in, and that I bring new perspectives and talents to what I do. It was a great feeling being validated by the fact someone else saw that in me too.

Prior to my first Allianz interview, I made a deal with my friends that if I got the gig, I would host a girl’s night at my place, attempt to make a charcuterie board, and would have my first ever drink in my life (for those of you who know me well, you know just how big of a deal that last one is). Covid interviews are like no other. I used my psychological hacks to make me feel less nervous by sporting a spiffy Calvin Klein suit for my zoom interview to look professional, with my tennis shoes on bottom because heels in my brain are associated with all the scary interviews I did in my early college years. It’s a simple equation: suit + heels = extreme nerves, suit+Nikes = less nerves, (it’s a counterbalance type deal and made sense in my head). I also never would have imagined I would be doing an interview while sitting on my coffee table since that spot had the only blank white wall behind it- but it made for a good way to crack a joke and break the ice. Think about all the “just covid things” you’ve done for work, and now put them in the pre covid context…it makes for a good laugh! My dweeby suit and tennis shoes method must have done something right because I got the job as a project coordinator on the Allianz Virtual Client team. June was a month full of so much good; moving to my own place, landing my first project at work, petting alpacas, Minneapolis skyline sunsets, meeting that dude name Jeff, and, having my first ever drink with the gals. I felt on top of the world and so grateful that all good things hit me at once, but as they say, what goes up….must come down.

July

Starting July with a “Boom”

The first week of July started off great! I officially started my big girl job at Boom Lab with our one week of consultant training- something that is a trademark of Boom Lab. I learned about so many resources such as Kablan tables, Jira, Power BI, waterfall methodologies (the only waterfalls I do go chasin’), and that no matter how hard I try to comprehend Excel, it never does fully stick with me. I found it funny that everyone, except me, said their least favorite training session was about personality and communication types. This exposed the fact that I was the only psychology major in a field of business majors pretty quickly. While I would have loved to finally meet my consultant class who I came to know very well throughout the previous months in Kahoot Trivia happy hours, what better way to kick off IT consultant training than by full immersing in all technology based, virtual training? Throughout the week, we worked on a mock client project in small teams which entailed being presented with a problem, and our team had to come up with a solution for their business by developing a website, fake data, data analytic tools, marketing strategies, and communicating all this to our client in daily meetings. The final day, we presented our project to the whole group, as well as some of the back office in which we had to be fully prepared to be grilled with questions after. The great thing about virtual presentations, is that no one knows what you’re truly wearing, so some of our group decided to wear our blazers on top and pajama pants on the bottom. By the end of the week; my eyes were bloodshot, I had never been so exhausted, made some new virtual buddies, and everything was a blur and I cannot tell you how I absorbed all that information but somehow it is all there. I loved every second of it!

Learning the ABCs of AVCs

Before I get into my series of unfortunate events that led to my downhill spiral I call July, I’m going to dig into the exciting new project I am on and see how confused I can make you. Just to refresh- I am a project management associate at Boom Lab, and through this, I get hired out on projects to different fortune 500 companies around the Twin Cities. While I would have been grateful to be placed anywhere, I am so glad to have been assigned to Allianz, not only because they are a great company and the project I am assigned to will teach me more than I ever need to know, but the 7 minute commute every morning if Covid ever ends is what excites me most. My assignment is on the Allianz Virtual Client (AVC) team. In short- my team is working on three giant projects all at once; distributing new hardware to everyone, upgrading Citrix software, and the overarching project: deploying virtual desktops to Allianz users around the globe with the goal to allow employees to pull up their desktop on any device, not just one device, make processes more efficient, and cost efficient. The desktop itself is housed in a data center in Phoenix, Arizona, so while the desktop may look like it is right in front of their eyeballs, they’re actually looking at it in Arizona (weird wormhole time travel voo doo technology sounding stuff). They say the best way to learn to swim is to just be thrown in and learn how to paddle, well, that can be applied to the IT world too, because there has been no better way for me to learn the lingo, infrastructure, and hardware than to be thrown in during a global launch.

Kind of started at Allianz

Typically starting a new job is pretty black and white; either you start, or you don’t. I always seem to find a way to be an exception. My walk on cloud nine in June ended the first day of work. The picture above documents this monumental first day- and that smile in that selfie was the last smile I’d show for a long time after that. I wasn’t feeling well and chalked it up to being exhausted from having to use my brain more than usual from this thing adults do termed “work”. Unfortunately, that was not the case as my thermometer spit back at me a lovely 100 later that night. Let me tell you, any inkling of sickness during a pandemic makes matters so much worse. Back in college, if I was sick I would come home or my mom would come with everything I needed, but now that my body temperature went up a whopping 2 degrees I was told I could not come home, and could not leave my apartment until I was tested for the one that shall not be named. I feel like there is an odd stigma about covid- if there is any chance you have it, or actually have it, it must not be talked about unless you want the rest of society to avoid you like the plague- literally. I’m not one to feel sorry for myself; but as my temperature climbed, my tolerance to cold plummeted, the sweat soaked through my sheets, breathing became harder, and my body ached as badly as it did after my old power circuits in gymnastics, all I could do was lie sprawled out crying into the phone to my mom like that would change things, when in reality the hyperventilating made my already shortness of breath even shorter. It was so hard being alone in those two weeks; not really telling anyone or being able to explain why I couldn’t hang out so I wouldn’t make them scared of me, and even harder to have the motivation and physical strength to do the basic things to take care of myself, let alone work a 40 hour week!

I tried so hard to be as engaged at work as I could, after all, I had only been on the job one day. You know something is seriously wrong with me if I turn down coffee since my stomach could only handle the thought of chicken noodle soup and gatorade. It was so hard to try to barely stay awake and focused while trying to learn my new role! I knew I needed to draw the line when I took multitasking to a new level by being on a call with another country all while getting sick in the bathroom with my laptop propped up on my bathtub, trying to comprehend software defects. Fun times! I ended up taking two days off of work in my first week, and while my team was understanding as get all – I already awarded myself with worst employee of the month in my mind. It was a terrible feeling to be the “new guy” and not understand much because IT is not the easiest field to pick up in a week, all while feeling the most sick I have ever felt in my life. From this, I definitely learned that it is ok to take care of yourself sometimes rather than perform at half your best (for me I think I only had a good 13% of myself to give). Up until this point it sounds like I had covid, right? After 2 covid tests (both nose/brain swab and throat swab, I am well seasoned in covid testing now), liver functioning test, kidney functioning test, and all other tests you can think of, everything came back negative. I am still genuinely confused about the whole ordeal because I still don’t know what had the power to wipe me out like that, but at least I now am not confused about what I’m doing at work-I’m actually getting the hang of it quite well if I do say so myself!

Kind of turned 22

Somewhere between figuring out what a mobile wyse was, and microwaving soup many times a day- I turned 22. I like to joke that I skipped my birthday this year because I was too sick to care that I made it another year around the sun. I felt quite the opposite of alive between the lingering nausea and dizziness, which at my age should be caused by one too many margaritas on their birthday, not a fever. In reality, I postponed my birthday to August. The day of my birthday, I put in a full day of work, then mustered up the energy to go celebrate with my family. By celebrate, I mean put on clothes other than pajamas in two weeks, take a nebulizer treatment (throwback to my wheezing days) to try to help me breathe better, tolerate a few french fries and a bite of birthday cake because I had no appetite for celebrating, or food. I had a strict no picture rule because if I looked as bad as I felt, I would feel even worse if those ended up on my mom’s Facebook page later. While I wasn’t the most cheerful birthday girl, it felt so nice to be around people again since I hadn’t seen anyone for those two previous weeks. It definitely will be a birthday I won’t forget, that’s for sure.

August

Finished turning 22

When I said I postponed my birthday, I truly did. I originally had planned a deck dinner from one of my favorite restaurants with my family, Jeff, and my good friend Katherine. While that didn’t work out the first time, I made sure it did this time so my year of turning 22 wasn’t more sour than all the lemons on my jumpsuit combined. It turned out to be one of the best nights! It doesn’t take much to please me; good food and great company was all I needed this year. Jeff and I make a great team in a lot of things, but especially corn hole, because we beat Christopher and Katherine every time. The night ended with a bonfire with s’mores upon my request since I have been talking about them all summer. There is nothing I like more than a crunchy, charred, absolutely blackened marshmallow. While some of the reason I prefer this way is because I don’t have the patience to babysit a marshmallow, it also is fun to stick it in the fire and watch it blow up. My family calls it burnt, but I call it gourmet flambe! #wifemeup

Childhood dream fulfilled

As a kid, I used to sit in front of the TV and watch the mesmerizing commercials of smiling little kids spinning around a toilet bowl slide and disappearing through the little hole wondering where they went. Ever since then, I always wanted to go to the Wisconsin Dells so I could answer that question. When I got invited to spend a weekend there with Jeff and his friends, my brain pulled out the memory of the commercial from 15 years ago. I had no clue that The Dells was more than a waterpark- no wonder there was always so much hype about it! We spent a lot of time at the waterparks, both indoor and outdoor, in which the running joke was making me stand by the “you must be this tall” sign before every slide. We also ventured to an escape room, went mini golfing, out for drinks, dinners – we did in fact wear moose antlers the whole time one night – and a nearby boardwalk that made me feel like I was in Florida rather than the land of cheese. It was a great weekend and little getaway with Jeff and his friends – never a dull moment! This was my first trip anywhere without my parents, or not on a gymnastics trip, surprisingly. Only took me a good 22 years. I ended the weekend leaving with the answer to my question; the hole dropped me right on my back causing my bikini bottoms to fly off. Not quite the answer I wanted, but I think the lifeguard didn’t mind! As much as I loved my time there, I was glad to be back in Minnesota where there weren’t so many billboards about Culvers and cheese.

Down to the lake

I am so used to going UP to the family cabin in Aitkin, MN, but sadly, the end of an era hit this summer. Casey’s Commonwealth will no longer have the Casey name, and our family became cabinless. You know what they say, if you don’t have a cabin, become friends with someone who does. I took a trip all the way down to Iowa to spend the weekend with Jeff and his friends and family at their lake place. It was one of the best weekends I’ve had all summer! I don’t think I have laughed so hard in years between the bonehead moves from some of the guys, and the stories his family told me. It felt so nice to not lay a finger on my phone the whole weekend (hence the lack of pictures). Getting a break from social media, work emails, and keeping up snapchat streaks was more refreshing than I thought. I could actually feel my stress levels start to rise again once I was reunited with my email inbox.

The first night we got there, we went out on a very late night pontoon ride while serenading the whole lake with Mr. Brightside which in reality sounded like a dying group of whales. All of Saturday was spent skiing (Jeff skiing, I don’t like to stand on moving things), floating around and getting to know everyone, burning ourselves to a crisp, learning what a Made-Rite is (you’re not “rite” it’s called a Sloppy Joe), more boating and bad serenades, explaining many times how I went from psychology to IT consulting, further explaining that Allianz is pronounced Ah-Lee-Ahnce and not Uh-Lie-Ance, flips off the boat (my time to shine as I pulled out the big guns with some gymnast tricks), card games, and a seltzer taste test to see which one is the best (Vizzy and Truly in case you were wondering).

Later that night we went on another late night cruise, and lemme tell ya, the Iowa sky compared to Minnesota’s isn’t even comparable. What I learned in Astronomy my freshman year of college finally came in handy which I never thought it would, and I was able to see all the constellations I read about. It felt so unreal being able to look up and see the Milky Way, and several shooting stars which I thought only existed in Lucky Charms cereal. One of my favorite parts of the weekend was getting to know Jeff’s family and friends; it felt like I knew them for a lot longer than 24 hours. By the end of the weekend, I left the lake with new friendships, lots of great memories, embarrassing stories about Jeff from his mom, double date plans, an invite back (always a good sign), and a great case of sun poisoning. As I lie here typing this with swollen balloon hands, swollen cheeks, a blistering nose and burns that make me look like Bob the tomato from veggie tales; I can say I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Didn’t go back to college

At this same time last year, I remember sitting in my usual spot at Starbucks 4 days before heading back to Gustavus typing up a new blog about what I will miss about college, but also what I won’t miss. Now, just like college freshmen are starting their new routines, it’s like I am starting my freshmen year of the adult world as I adjust to my new normal, too. It is the weirdest feeling not scrambling to move back for another year- but in these circumstances, I feel extremely grateful for where I am at and not having to navigate an already stressful college life. But like I mentioned, there are some things I will miss, but also the things I won’t. I definitely am not missing the things I predicted I wouldn’t miss (there are no custodians to flash in the shower here), but also, the things I thought I would miss aren’t gone or leaving a gap in my life, they’re just replaced by new and different things. College was my tool to get me to where I wanted to be, and I prayed at this time last year that my senior year would bring me all I needed to be successful and in the best spot possible starting as a working woman. Now that I can say that was achieved, I don’t have much of desire to go back because I love where I am at now, the work I do, the people I’ve met, the team I’m on, and the new healthier habits I’ve created. They say to enjoy your years at college because you have the whole rest of your life to work; but if your work is something that makes you feel valued, productive, and you enjoy it, then there is nothing wrong with closing the metaphorical college yearbook. I will always cherish my memories on the Hill, especially when those memories are safe in my mind on the Hill that was untouched by covid which makes them even more sacred.

To summarize my summer summary, all I have to say is it has been quite the ride. People say this is the worst summer ever, but for me, it’s been pretty dang great when looking at all the blessings in disguise. Sure, I would have loved to start work in person, go on regular dates with Jeff, go everywhere without a mask, and out to places I love to go to in the summer. But at the same time; working from home allowed me to fully recover from my not-Covid mystery fully and be able to go at my own pace. Less normalcy allowed me to get to know Jeff on a deeper level faster through talking more and spending more time together since there’s not much to do other than enjoy each other’s company and conversations. Masks have allowed me run to the grocery real quick looking terrible and not caring because it covers up a good amount of my face 🙂 Typical summer festivities being disrupted allowed me to focus on myself, get out of my comfort zone, and find new things that I love. I hope by this time next year when I am typing up another end of summer blog- I’ll be able to say I turned 23 on time, had a successful deployment at work, danced terribly at more weddings, took more trips with Jeff, celebrated more victories with something other than Mike’s Hard Lemonade since I learned they’re honestly not that great, got over my fear of fish at the lake, and lastly, I hope I will be able to say that I know what my coworkers look like rather than what they sound like!

Thanks for stopping by, folks

~Lauren

Little Lessons from Apartment Living

I am well into a week of living a life where I’ve upgraded my twin bed to a queen, and my dorm room view of a dumpster to downtown. Hannah Montana once said “this is the life, hold on tight,” and that basically sums up everything thus far. I have absolutely loved my new transition, and knowing that I am fully responsible for keeping myself alive at this point. I expected some road blocks such as cooking gone wrong, the dryer eating my socks, or even another hairdryer on fire to make that number four; but none of that has happened at all…yet. There are just some things you don’t even know you will encounter until you dive into a new lifestyle, and this post is for all the little things I have come to realize are either helpful or hurtful.


Non-stick skillets are a lie

I am a very trusting person. I always trust what people say and give others the benefit of the doubt even when it comes back to bite me in the butt. This also applies to cookware. I was so excited to get my first set of non-stick skillets from my aunt who has otherwise been known as “The Kentucky egg lady.” With those credentials, and her past of omelette demonstrations all around Kentucky, I had full faith in these new pans of mine that they truly were non-stick. Since I moved out, I’ve become more adventurous, leading to making pancakes for the first time in my life, and by that, I mean the first time since 6th grade FACS class where I truly don’t remember what the ingredients were or if my group mates let me be around the stove (smart cookies, they were). I had a Gordon Ramsay vibe going as I mixed up my gourmet batter of Kodiak Protein Pancake mix and water, and spooned my first helping onto my non-stick skillet. I soon found out the marketing tactics got me, and my sad pancake was stuck to the pan like my thighs stick to a leather seat on a hot day. I eventually scraped it off into a taco looking thing and tried to redeem myself by doing an airborne pancake flip like they do in the movies to make sure the other side was cooked to the point of no return, too. The tacocake stuck the perfect 10 landing smack dab on the floor. Did I eat it? Yeah I did. I put way too much effort into that to literally throw it away. I see cooking spray and a spatula in my brunching future.

Flying food hazard

I’m going to start by saying this happened on a Terrible Tuesday (for those of you who have not been following me- since 6th grade something odd or weird has happened to me every Tuesday without fail). I meal planned for a nice and easy frozen black bean burger for dinner to enjoy out on my balcony. All was going well until I tried to shut the balcony door, causing my plate to tilt a little bit, which created the perfect trajectory of launch ramp for my veggie patty that was slippery from my cooking spray (learned my lesson from the pancakes) to slide right off my plate and off my 6th floor balcony. A few seconds later I heard a crisp splat, then a very loud scream. I peeked my eyeballs over the railing to find my veggie patty about a foot away from a little old lady from the senior living place next door. After yelling a very awkward sorry, I played the scene over and over in my head (go ahead and try it), and I don’t think I have laughed so hard in a long time over the thought of a hazardous vegan veggie patty falling from the sky. Whoever said walking under ladders is bad luck was all wrong.

Keep yourself busy

One thought I had this week is that living on my own now is so much different from living on my own in college. The difference is that now, I truly could sit in bed all day and no one would even know. I could drive to Florida and back and no one would know. I can cook anything I want with as much dairy and gluten as my heart desires and no one but my poor insides would know. I could decide to go rollerblading and run into a mailbox and no one would know. I can do literally anything I want and have so many choices! But of course, psychology says, the paradox of choice is having too many choices can lead to anxiety, and more stress (did you really think I was going to go a blog post without any psych?) Many of you know that I love to stay busy, so having to wait until work starts in September has been extremely hard for me because I am terrible at relaxing and sitting still for more than an hour. With that, all the tasks that most people hate doing such as laundry, grocery shopping, going to the bank, cleaning my windows, vacuuming, doctors appointments etc..have been rewarding for me! It’s a good feeling to make a to do list and check things off as they get done. I like the sense of responsibility since I’ve never really had it before at Gustavus. Surprisingly, my not busy summer stays pretty busy between spreading out my tasks, meal planning and prepping, and reaching out to old friends that I haven’t seen in a while! Initiative is a beautiful thing.

Meal planning is a must

I didn’t know how important this point was until it hit me that even thought I cooked myself something one night, I have to do it all over again the next day, and the next day. I first thought I would make something in bulk and eat the same thing all week long, and I never thought the day would come where I was tired of taco salad, but it came. Feeding myself is not something I am used to: my mom cooked for me growing up while I was at practice, and our family loves to go to restaurants. Gustavus had a 4 year meal plan that I took full advantage of. Needless to say, this was probably the biggest adjustment. What makes things harder is I am absolutely terrible at deciding what I want to eat- so the meal plan has been super helpful as I don’t need to decide because I already spent a solid hour trying to decide for my future self a few days before as I scroll through my Pinterest recipes trying to predict what I’ll want 5 days from now (following me?). I’ve been trying to cut the amount of time trying to decide what I want for the week by making designating Meatless Monday, Try something new Tuesday, Breakfast for dinner Wednesay, Leftovers Thursday, Frozen Meal Friday, Free space Saturday, and Salad Sunday. This is what the inside of a perfectionist’s brain looks like in case you were wondering.

Enjoy the little things

I know, I say this a lot, but this became so true all over again once I moved out. My mornings here are so peaceful; I have a great view of the Minneapolis skyline as the sun rises every morning, which makes morning workouts a lot less painful. Being able to wake up with the rest of the city, cup of coffee in my unicorn mug and daily gratitude and goal setting, has been the best way to start my day and is like a calm before the storm. It makes makes me remember why I am a morning person. I fully realize this will probably be the only time in my life I will live in a place like this with no job to rush off to everyday in which my mornings won’t look like this anymore. Or where I can watch the skyline light up at night and try to guess what color the skyscraper will turn next. It will probably be the only time I can people watch for hours while some weirdos do odd things because they don’t realize I’m out here such as the man flexing in is reflection in the window for a solid 5-7 minutes after a yoga session. I was told to truly embrace life as a twenty something year old, and now I finally realize what they mean.

See someone, say something

Instagram and Snap stories have been working in my favor ever since I moved. It’s so cool to see how many people from college already live around me, making it so much easier to continue old friendships and traditions like acting out the dock scene in Mama Mia with my best friend like we have since we were kids (we’ve got it down solid), but even start some new friendships. It’s also been so fun living by my brother again and getting close to him like we were when we were inseparable as kids. I never thought I would be reaching out to him to get a dose of coffee and lake walk some mornings after being used to being apart for 4+ years. Inviting myself over has now turned into a permanent invite to his friend “family dinners.” Recently I had the rare motivation to go run Lake Harriet instead of another HIIT workout in my apartment so I didn’t upset the people that live below me, my b I have to do my daily burpees! To my surprise I saw a very familiar pair of aviators that I recognized belonged to the face of a former Gustie. Have I ever met them? No. Have I ever talked to them? No. Have I come to “know” them because I follow them and their aviators on Instagram? Affirmative. Since then I have been able to say I befriended them through our Gustie connection and can add another friend to my list of people that live by me to hang out with. Reaching out to people never was my strong suit in college, but now, it’s opened up a lot more doors and has made a lot more weekends not free!

Take a paper grocery list to the store

No, not because I am forgetful (even though I am). Something about having an actual list in my hand is comforting and makes me feel like an experienced shopper or a soccer mom that drives a mini van even though the workers watch me do circles around the same area looking for feta cheese the past ten minutes. It also works as a great tool for when you don’t want to make eye contact with someone as you scoot by them, just look down and pretend you’re avidly shopping for your broccoli. My first grocery trip, I used a list on my phone, and I realized that I in fact looked like a teenager who couldn’t spend 5 minutes without going on Instagram and fell victim to texting and carting. I also ran into the issue of the cashier asking where my mom was so she could pay for my groceries, later revealing he thought I was 14 after I told him I just graduated from college. Since resorting to a paper list, I have not been mistaken as a teenager, and while good ol’ paper grocery lists may not correlate with looking like an adult, I’m just going with it.

Showers are not one size fits all…or are they?

I always have known my limits being short; high cabinets, top shelves, anything at Sam’s Club, you know, typical stuff. But showers? That is a new one. I never thought I would be short enough to the point where I have to stand on my tip toes every night to get all of my shampoo out of my hair. To make matters worse, because I am not tall enough to play monkey in the middle with the shower head and the wall, the water ricochets all over the floor to basically make my bathroom into a second bath tub. I had the maintenance men come take a look at it (also to fix my toilet seat because to my surprise one anchor was out and I slid right off onto the floor like my veggie patty did off my balcony), but they said they could not fix the shower head because it was made for tall people. At that point I didn’t know whether to apologize for my shortness, or for the future water damage it will be causing if I don’t figure it out, so of course the only thing I knew to do was call my dad. He showed up prepared to install a new swivel shower head, but within a second of looking at the old one, moved it to suit my shortness….turns out I just don’t know the anatomy of a shower head and which parts move. I bet that instilled a lot of confidence in my parents for letting me live on my own now. Gotta learn these little things somehow!

Go on a walking tour

Something I have come to enjoy this past week is my nightly walks to figure out where the heck I live. Moving here, I had no clue that I lived by a giant waterpark, a big walking trail, Excelsior & Grand, way too many geese, my beloved Starbucks, and all these places I had heard about but had no clue where they were. Every Wednesday, I have been lacing up the walking shoes and testing out some new routes and sidewalks that lead to a new place I want to try or go into. I never understood what the appeal of St. Louis Park was to young folks, but now I get it the more I decide to drive the long way home or go walk a new sidewalk. I still have yet to enter into my first ever Trader Joe’s, but that definitely is at the top of my list (it’s a legit list, I like lists) of places to go. I never thought would like anywhere other than Eagan, oh how the tables have turned.

Routine is everything

There is a difference between staying busy, and having a routine. This may reveal my perfectionism/Type A personality just a little bit, but I need a routine for my days, and my weeks, in order to feel like I am not lost or off track. In the past, when I have strayed from routine, I thought I was lost like I am when I try to figure out what way is north. Productivity and routine are interchangeable for me- and I feel my best when I am productive. Similarly to my meal plan designations, I do the same thing for the days of the week. Bachelor Monday, Towel and sheet cleaning Tuesday, Walk after dinner Wednesday, Laundry Thursday, Fancy coffee Friday, Sprint Saturday, and Shop for groceries Sunday. It’s like a giant to-do list that each day I can check off. My mornings all start the same: my cup of coffee and alone time. That is the base of my day and that structure is so comforting when things around me may not be. I always try to start and end my days like a sandwich; morning routine and night routine about as easy and bland as a slice of bread- but each day filled with something different in between. The reason I do this is because some days may taste like a peanut butter/mustard/*insert more bad combos here* sandwich, but ending the day with something familiar and easy leads to a fresh slice of bread the next morning without any peanut butter and mustard residue left over to ruin your awesome peanut butter and jelly kind of day. To sum it up: make your life a sandwich. Cheesy analogy? Yeah. Effective? I’d say so.

I know these may seem childish or silly, but honestly, it’s the weird and totally vague things that no one talks about! At this age, it can be hard to establish a life all while making a fool of yourself, and that is okay- in fact, I don’t mind it. Don’t get me wrong, I know life is going to get harder once I start my 9-5 life and my biggest problem will be a lot greater than watching my pancake hit the floor. I fully predict I am going to be making another one of these posts in a few months documenting all the barriers I knew I would encounter as a working woman, but talking about the scenarios I can’t even make up in my head right now. As much as I have said I love planning- honestly I am excited for the uncertainty of what the next step of adult life, because I am the one who got me here, and every hardship I encounter next stems from the fact that I reached my goals that I set for myself in college. It’s time for me to set some new goals; making the perfect pancake, refraining from patty target practice, finding the feta faster, go on a date at one of the restaurants I’ve found, be a sandwich, figure out the skyscraper light pattern, stay busy, shower without leftover suds, and of course, land my first project at work!

I hope some of my failures brought a few laughs- I know I’ve still been laughing at the image of a flying veggie burger for a week now.

~Lauren

My Top 10 Favorite Easy Recipes: Gluten free, dairy free, and better-for-you

I’m going to start off by saying I do not cook or bake a lot of things. For those of you that have been following my blogs for a while, you know just how badly my history of cooking is, aka, submitting a recipe on how to make a Spongebob edition Pop Tart in our Kindergarten class cookbook. I did in fact describe how to open the box, put it in the toaster, and then go eat it in front of the TV- illustrations included. People ask me “why can’t you cook? Shouldn’t you know by now?” Valid question, and yes I should, but I have a valid answer. When you grow up flipping for four hours everyday after school coupled with hours of AP and CIS homework to follow, cooking is no where on the agenda or in mind. The food fairy otherwise known as my mom made meals magically appear for me every night after practice. Additionally, when you go to a college where you remain on the meal plan all four years, it’s hard to cook a gourmet meal in the toaster and microwave (this is where my kindergarten recipe came in handy). I’ve dabbled a bit in the kitchen during J-terms and the stay at home order, and I gotta say, I think I did pretty well, well enough to share with you the recipes I’ve concocted! With that, here’s a few easy (and by easy, I mean EASY because I’m still at the beginner level) to whip up- no toaster needed!


1. Ground Turkey Stuffed Peppers

This is the first dish I ever made other than the extra credit enchiladas I made for Spanish class, and by I made, I mean my mom made. It is a great meal for a family dinner, or to meal prep for the week. These peppers are a healthier and more creative take on a Chipotle football burrito, and are for sure to leave you full from all that fiber!

Ingredients:

  • 4-6 red bell peppers
  • 1 tbsp coconut oil
  • 1 diced onion
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp cumin
  • 1 tsp oregano
  • 1 tsp paprika
  • 1/2 tsp black pepper
  • 3 cloves minced garlic
  • 1 pound of ground turkey
  • 2 cans of black beans
  • 1 can of corn
  • 1 can of diced tomatoes

Instructions

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Cut off the tops of the peppers and scoop out seeds/insides. Keep the tops for later!
  • In a pan, add the coconut oil. Add the onions, salt, pepper, cumin, oregano, paprika, and mix together.
  • Add the garlic and turkey. Cook until the turkey is browned.
  • Add beans, corn, and tomatoes. Mix together fully.
  • Spoon the mix into the peppers and put the top back on. Place in a baking dish.
  • Cook for 30 minutes. Note: there will be some of the mixture left over- add to a taco salad, top nachos, feed to the dog, throw out the window, it is up to you!

2. Three Ingredient No Bake Cheerio Bars

While these may sound like nothing special, these have become a family favorite with raving reviews of “these are addicting”, “why have you not made these before?”, “can you make another batch so I don’t have to share with my roommates?”, and “only three ingredients can make something so good?” These are a great, good for you, dessert or quick energy bite because they are made of natural sugars, contain some protein, and of course, as Cheerios always says: heart healthy! In other words, you need to eat these or you will die.

Ingredients

  • 3 cup of Cheerios
  • 1/2 cup of creamy peanut butter
  • 1/2 cup of honey

Instructions

  • In a small pan, add peanut butter and honey before placing on the heat (unless you fancy burnt flakes in your food).
  • Place on the stove and bring up from room temp to medium heat until the mixture is a runny consistency.
  • In a large mixing bowl, add the liquid mixture to the Cheerios and fold in until they are coated and cohesive.
  • In a 9×9 dish, pour mixture into pan and flatten evenly with a spatula.
  • Place in the fridge for at least an hour. Try not to eat all at once.
  • Store in the fridge!

3. Green Goddess Taco Salad

Taco salads normally get a bad rep in the nutrition department due to the heaps of cheese, sour cream, rice, beans, and giant fried flour tortilla shell it houses itself in. I love taco salad, but as someone who can’t tolerate much dairy, it definitely does not feel like a fiesta in my stomach. This take on a taco salad is better for you because it swaps in some lower calorie, high volume foods, and has a good twist on it by adding the green goddess dressing.

Ingredients

  • 1 pound of ground turkey
  • 1/4 cup taco seasoning
  • 1 can of black beans
  • 1 can of diced tomatoes (or 1 diced Roma tomato)
  • 1 bag of shredded lettuce
  • 1 can of corn
  • Green Goddess dressing (Sub Taco sauce for DF option)
  • Corn Tortilla chips or Doritos (or both)
  • Fixings of choice (avocado, salsa, bell peppers etc)

Instructions

  • In a pan, cook turkey until brown. Drain the pan, add the taco seasoning along with 3/4 cup of water. Mix in seasoning until meat is covered.
  • Open and drain cans of black beans, corn, and tomatoes
  • In a large bowl, combine lettuce, meat, beans, corn, tomatoes and chips. Stir in dressing to taste.
  • Note: To save for leftovers, add dressing separately rather than combining in the bowl (the chips and lettuce get soggy – gross). Ingredients can also be served separately to make it “build your own.”

4. Peanut Butter Chocolate No Bake Cookies

While they may look like stepped on dog poop in your yard, I assure you, they don’t taste like it. These are a great gluten and dairy free recipe that I have made these for many sorority events, parties, and for friends. Starting out, I did not realize cocoa powder was not the same as the chocolatey powder in brownie mixes, so I was in for an unpleasant surprise when I ate a heaping spoonful of it only to realize that I made a huge mistake. While the recipe calls for quite a bit of sugar, I usually half the amount and they taste the same, and swap regular milk for almond milk.

Ingredients

  • 1 cup sugar (I do 1/2 cup)
  • 1/2 cup milk of choice
  • 1/2 stick butter or plant butter (Country Crock sticks are fantastic dairy free sticks)
  • 1/4 cup cocoa powder
  • 3 cups of quick oats
  • 1 cup of creamy peanut butter
  • 1 tbsp vanilla (optional)

Instructions

  • In a small pan; add sugar, cocoa powder, milk, and butter. Stir until melted completely and looks like chocolate sauce.
  • Bring mixture to a boil; let it boil for 45 seconds before taking off the burner.
  • In a large mixing bowl, combine oats, peanut butter, and vanilla.
  • Add chocolate sauce and stir until it is fully coated.
  • Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and use a spoon to scoop out mixture. Form into round cookies.
  • Place in fridge until they are not the consistency of fresh doggie doo doo in the yard. You all know exactly what I mean.

5. Sweet Potato Black Bean Burgers

These are an awesome recipe a friend crafted for me while I was gluten, dairy, soy, and egg free. Before you stop reading this because food without everything that makes it taste good seems questionable, these will throw you for a loop. My family has said that they taste better than regular burgers! These can be frozen which make them great for meal prep, and since they are vegan, gluten free, and dairy free, these are an ideal option when hosting a dinner party that can adhere to all dietary needs unless you’re on the carnivore diet, then you’re out of luck.

Ingredients

  • 1 large sweet potato (1 cup mashed) 
  • 1/2 cup black beans 
  • 1/2 cup instant brown rice
  • 1/4 cup rolled oats
  • 1/2 tsp cumin
  • 1/4 tsp garlic powder
  • 1/4 tsp salt

Instructions

  • Preheat oven to 375 degrees
  • Cook rice according to package directions 
  • Cook the sweet potato in the microwave, make sure to pierce with a fork.
  • Mash the sweet potato, black beans, oats, and everything else in a bowl. Mix in cooked rice until everything is combined. Mixture should be moldable. 
  • Line the baking tray with tin foil and spray with cooking spray. Place 4 inch diameter patties on sheet
  • Place tray in oven and bake 30-40 minutes flipping halfway through
  • Store in fridge for up to 5 days or freezer for 3 months.

6. Banana Oat Cookies

Need to use your brown bananas but are sick of banana bread? These are an easy and fast dessert or breakfast cookie to make, as well as a great tricep workout due to mashing them naners. Don’t expect the regular texture of a cookie because you aren’t going to get it.

Ingredients

  • 2 mashed bananas
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1 cup of rolled oats
  • Chocolate chips- the more the merrier is my motto – Check out Enjoy Life foods for DF chips

Instructions

  • Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  • Mash the bananas and mix with oats, cinnamon, and chocolate chips
  • Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
  • Use a spoon to scoop and form into balls. Flatten with spoon on baking sheet.
  • Bake for 18-20 minutes

7. Mashed Cauliflower Shepherds Pie

A lighter take on shepherd’s pie, and I personally think it tastes better! This is a better-for-you version that swaps ground beef for ground turkey, and mashed taters for mashed cauli. For those with an Instant Pot, go ahead and use it for the mashed cauliflower. For those who don’t have one like me because the steam spout scares the living daylight out of me, the old fashioned way or store bought mashed cauli works just fine. My family likes to add in a can of corn and green beans for some extra color but also because shredded zucchini tastes like nothing. Comfort food that doesn’t make you unbutton your pants afterwards-it does exist.

Ingredients

  • Mashed cauliflower or 1 large head of cauliflower cored and cut to florets
  • ½ tsp garlic powder
  • 2 tsp minced garlic 
  • 2.5 tsp sea salt 
  • 1 tbsp olive or coconut oil
  • 1 diced onion
  • Shredded carrot 
  • 1 medium zucchini, shredded
  • 1 tsp chili powder
  • 1 tbsp low sodium Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 pound ground turkey
  • Optional- 1 can of green beans
  • Optional- 1 can of corn

Instructions

  • Preheat oven to 350
  • Without instant pot- cook mashed cauliflower according to package, or boil in water until soft and mash.
  • In skillet, add oil, and onion. Saute until onion is translucent (5 min). Add turkey, carrot, zucchini, minced garlic, sauce, and spices.
  • With instant pot- Add 1 cup water to pressure cooker, place trivet inside. Put cauliflower on trivet. Using display panel, select MANUAL, select 3 minutes with + buttons. When it beeps switch pressure knob from sealing to venting and release steam. Open cooker and remove, drain, and place in bowl. Add garlic powder and 1 tsp salt. Blend until smooth.
  • Bake 25-30 minutes

8. “Buttons”

Ok so these aren’t dairy or gluten free at all, but for all of my fellow allergen sensitive people out there, we all know that we have some foods that are worth the pain. For me? This is one of those foods. These are a family tradition that are fun to make for different holidays, especially Valentine’s Day M&Ms, because they taste better than regular ones even though they’re exactly the same. I’ve been making these since elementary school, and to this day still give them to friends, and professors (brownie points for when I’m at a 92.5% and they round me up). Side note: Hershey hugs melt a lot easier than Hershey kisses, and are a lot more aesthetic.

Ingredients

  • Snyders grid pretzels
  • Hershey Hugs
  • M&Ms

Instructions

  • Preheat oven to 200 degrees
  • Line pretzels on parchment paper covered baking sheets
  • Place unwrapped Hershey Hugs in center of pretzels
  • Put in oven for 5 minutes until melty
  • Place M side down of M&M on tip of Hershey Hug and press lightly
  • Put in fridge to set.

9. Freezer Friendly Egg White Muffins

On the go breakfast! These are a perfect meal prep recipe for those who struggle with getting in a nutritious breakfast unlike Spongebob Edition Pop Tarts. One serving is two egg cups! Freeze the rest for later.

Ingredients

  • 2.5 cups of egg whites
  • 1 cup chopped spinach
  • 1/2 cup quartered cherry tomatoes or diced Roma tomato
  • 1/2 cup diced mushrooms

Instructions

  • Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease muffin pan.
  • In a large bowl, whisk together egg whites, spinach, tomatoes and mushrooms. Add ½ tsp salt and ¼ tsp pepper. Divide mixture evenly among muffin pan.
  • Bake for 20-25 minutes or until egg whites are cooked.

10. Shortbread Thumbprint Cookies

I happened to come across these on Pinterest one day when I was looking for an excuse to use the rest of my almond flour and procrastinate homework. I always loved those little flower cookies with the red raspberry centers when I was little, so I thought I’d give these gluten free versions a go! As I mentioned before, I am new to the kitchen, so when I read that the recipe called for confectioners sugar, I had no clue what that was without the help of Google. Why not just call it powdered sugar, people? The nice part about this recipe is that my indecisiveness is accepted and encouraged. I used all five flavors of jams we had in the fridge. For those of you who aren’t the fruity type; sub honey, maple syrup, or caramel sauce for the center.

Ingredients

  • 1 cup of almond flour
  • 3 tablespoons of butter of choice-softened
  • 3 tablespoons of powdered sugar
  • 1/8 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
  • Jam of choice

Instructions

  • Preheat the oven to 350°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
  • Mix all of the ingredients in a small bowl until a cohesive dough forms.
  • Scoop 1″ balls of dough onto the prepared baking sheet; a teaspoon cookie scoop works well here. Arrange the balls of dough about 1 1/2″ to 2″ apart.
  • Use a fork to flatten each cookie to about 1/4″ thick, use your thumb to press an indentation into the center of each ball of dough. Fill the hole with about 1/4 teaspoon jam.
  • Bake the cookies for 8 to 10 minutes, until they start to turn light golden brown on top.

While these may not look like anything on the Food Network or anything Instagram worthy, sometimes the simple and quick, yet still good for you options are the best! For those who read this looking to clean up their diet, but don’t want to give up foods you love: look for ingredients you can swap out or do without (ex: ground turkey, Caulipower brand pizza, portioning, natural peanut butter, cocoa powder, natural sugars vs added). Similarly, those looking for allergen friendly recipes, look for where you can use alternatives! Most of these recipes weren’t allergen friendly when I found them. For those looking for new recipes or are new to cooking/baking, a lot of these ingredients are probably already in your house so you can #stayathome! And for those who read this out of disbelief that I actually cooked something without burning it- let this be proof that people can change.

Let me know if you make any of these! I am curious to see if they actually taste good or if it’s just due to the bias of “I made it therefore it tastes better” 🙂

~Lauren

Coping with Self-Compassion during Covid: How and why it works

We are well past a month of staying at home. Not going to lie, at first I saw this new lifestyle as an exciting challenge where my introverted-ness could thrive. I got competitive with myself to see all the productive tasks I could get done, and do all the activities that I never had time to do. But now, all the books have been read, the basement has been cleaned, senior capstone paper written, and everything I can think of to sell has been sold. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to do something other than what I have been doing yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that… It’s daunting knowing this could be what life is like for who knows how long. 4th of July festivities are already getting canceled, new job training moved online, favorite restaurants put the for sale sign in the window (RIP Old Chicago), alternate plans for the fall are already being talked about, and to put the scary cherry on top of all this, Dr. Michael Osterholm, director of the U of M Center for Infectious diseases said that this won’t be over by summer and 60-70% of us are going to get the virus despite our efforts all these months of being locked inside.

This isn’t meant to scare you even though you’re probably feeling worse than you were before deciding to sit down to read a blog that you thought would make you feel better, hold on, I’ll get there. If a simple paragraph can make you feel anxious, think about how bad the media is for our sanity when we wake up every single day being bombarded with more bad news accompanied by staying locked up all day. People are starting to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, which in turn is going to put us in a worse place when this is all said and done. There is a better way to get through this than stuffing yourself with snacks, giving up, or impulse buying puppies.

Self-compassion is our secret weapon that no one is utilizing! Positive Psychology is a relatively new field that basically says “why does psychology have to be about fixing people when they have problems? Let’s take perfectly average baseline people and make their lives go from good to great.” Self-compassion falls in this field, and also is being utilized to fix mental health problems. Research has been conducted and shows that it eases depression, anxiety, eating disorders, negative body image, sleep problems, and enhances both physical/mental health. These are all problems that we are possibly dealing with during Covid. Self-compassion consists of three components; self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff, 2003), and it takes all three to work! Join me on a magical journey as I further explain just how these “fluffy” sounding concepts that seem like they’d never work, actually work. As cheesy as it sounds, self-compassion is one of those “if you believe it, you can achieve it” concepts.

1. Self-Kindness

Raise your hand if you have said anything along these lines during all this:

“I look terrible today and am a lazy human being.”

“I look so old now that I can’t get my gray covered up.”

“There’s no point in working out or taking care of myself right now.”

“I suck at online classes, I am a failure and shouldn’t even try anymore.”

“I am going to get fired from my job because I am not as valuable as others.”

“I shouldn’t have eaten that and am probably going to gain the Covid-19 lbs and everyone is going to think I am ugly once we can go out in public again.”

“I am never going to find a girlfriend/boyfriend and I am going to end up alone living in my parents house just like this for the rest of my life.”

“I have no purpose anymore”

It is so easy to let those thoughts come into our heads, and for some twisted reason, we believe criticizing ourselves is more motivating than being kind. I don’t know about you, but telling myself that I suck and am ugly doesn’t make me want to go on a run, or outside for that matter. Current research tells us that self-kindness is the most important component that has a positive correlation for reducing negative behaviors and thoughts. Being kind to ourselves is so crucial during this time. Our best is not going to be the same everyday during this; some days you may get a ton done, other days your best may just be getting out of bed. Both are OKAY. Self-kindness is being your own cheerleader for the things that you DID get done. Change out of your pjs? Go you! Get one thing done on your to-do list but not all? One is better than none! Eat 2 cookies instead of 3? Progress! Only cried in the shower 4 times this week instead of everyday? Look at you! Self-kindness is learning to forgive yourself, even for those who have a black belt in beating themselves up. Maybe you feel guilty for not working out- that’s just fine, you are not training for a marathon since they’re all canceled. Maybe you accidentally turned off mute on a zoom call while you were using the bathroom – as that one children book teaches us “Everyone Poops,” so don’t rip yourself to shreds about it days later because we all make mistakes. It’s so easy to feel shame for eating badly – don’t worry, that is human. Self-kindness is not easy, because self-criticism is easy! Bottom line, talk to yourself as you would a family member, and I don’t think you’d tell your grandma that she has no purpose and is a worthless, ugly, lazy human being… if you would say that to her you may need more help than I can provide.

2. Common Humanity

This one may seem like “common” sense (pun intended), but part of self-compassion is recognizing that you are not alone in your feelings and other people feel this way, too. When we are suffering it is common (and not logical at all) for us to think we are the only person on planet earth experiencing that exact situation and feeling that exact feeling at that moment. Everyone else around you seems happy but you. Hate to break it to you, but you aren’t that special, feelings are shared! To humans, suffering together feels better than suffering alone, which is why this component works for Covid. Fun fact- the same goes for hazing!

Covid presents us with unprecedented situations leaving us confused, alone, on a kick to sell everything we own (it can’t be just me I hope), depressed, lost, many other feelings, and behaviors- some positive of course so don’t feel bad for feeling happy when you think you should feel bad! Personally, some days I have woken up during all this with absolutely no motivation at all, and it makes me feel better knowing that I am not the only one who has no motivation to change out of sweatpants or try to look presentable. It’s kind of motivating to know others have no motivation either!

Many people suffer with depression, and this situation makes it ten times worse, but they aren’t the only person with those feelings, as others are acting the same, or even are in worse shape. The news has broadcasted eating disorder relapses (the urgency to broadcast about at-home workouts does not help this problem) showing that it is a national problem and those who struggle with them aren’t the only ones thrown for a loop. We aren’t alone in feeling like we are lazy and will look worse after all this is done hence why there are so many jokes about the quarantine 15 and not needing to get a bikini body since pools are closed. We aren’t alone in being scared about all this, and while it may seem like there are some people who aren’t phased by this at all, chances are more people are feeling the same way you do. Just because you see everyone outside on a nice day when you don’t feel like it, doesn’t mean you’re the only one, so don’t feel bad or FOMO (fear of missing out). Yes, it can be hard to make yourself feel better by telling yourself a stranger has the same feelings you do, but that is where self-kindness comes to play and buffers against negative thoughts. Your subconscious benefits from knowing that you truly aren’t alone in the world. Lastly, I’m sure you aren’t the only one who is sick of cooking.

3. Mindfulness

This is usually the component where people dip out and are like “nah I am not doing this voodoo type thing.” That’s exactly what I said when I first started my mindfulness training as part of my Neurofeedback therapy prior to Covid. Let’s get this straight: mindfulness is not just about sitting with your eyes closed and picturing trees or colors while listening to calming music. This is the “fluffy” part I was talking about where people’s pride gets to them before they try it. Mindfulness is all about being mindful of your thoughts- allowing them to happen but not judging them. It’s like fishing: you catch a thought and release it back into the water until the next thought comes. It’s all about being objective and in the present. For example, you may think I have no clue how I am going to find a job and I am probably going to end up living with my parents for the rest of my life which will result and never finding love and I will die alone with 17 cats. Mindfulness would allow you to observe that thought objectively, responding with something like well, I just had that thought, it’s all good, that may or may not happen, but right now I can’t predict the future so how bout you just chill. Thinking about the future is downright terrifying right now, and thinking about the past and how everything used to be is depressing, so let’s just not think about those things, eh?

This is why this component is important; being in the present benefits how we talk to ourselves and think. Take each hour at a time and make the most of them; each good moment builds momentum to have a good day which leads to having a good week, and before you know it, a month has passed. A lot of people think negative thoughts and stuff them away until they build up inside and cause deeper issues. Mindfulness is different in which it allows for those thoughts to happen, but learning to observe them rather than believing them. Psychology shows that mindfulness can be trained, and can improve. I can attest to this, as my mindfulness stats have improved since I started. Not only how you think about things improves, but it goes down to a neurological level where your brain starts to react to stressful situations differently-more objectively. There are thousands of mindfulness podcasts, and youtube videos, so try them out! The only thing you have to lose by giving it a go is anxiety and negative feelings!


You may be asking why you haven’t seen more about self-compassion during all this- that’s because a lot of people don’t believe in solving mood problems or mental health issues without medications (let’s be real, you aren’t asking yourself that, but I’m going to talk about it anyways). A little mindfulness and self-kindness seems insane in treating a complex issue like depression or eating disorders. Heck, even therapists aren’t on board with it yet. Self-compassion is not all about rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns. It’s not a “fluffy” concept. It’s not just for women. It’s not just for times of trial. These are all common misconceptions I have come across. Use these “uncertain times” as all commercials are saying way too much to practice your self-compassion skills. Start small; don’t attack yourself for eating a donut, try to catch and dismiss a negative thought, and remember that your neighbor feels just as stir crazy as you do. Self-compassion goes far beyond Covid, so might as well start now so you can apply it to doubts about starting a new job, guilt or shame in relationship problems, newness of life changes, failure regarding diet changes, or even trying to fix the sink sans plumber without swearing at yourself.

Have a self-compassionate weekend, friends! Stay healthy 🙂

~Lauren

FND FAQ: Commonly asked questions about Functional Neurological Disorder

In honor of Functional Neurological Disorder Awareness Day 2020, I’m sharing the most frequently asked questions I get about FND, as well as the questions I received through a recent Instagram forum. I share my story to raise awareness for a condition that has been studied incorrectly until recently, seen as “not real” for years, and to help find a cure since it is as debilitating as stroke, Epilepsy, and Parkinson’s. Last year I shared what it is like to live with FND, and the year before I shared my story of how it all came to be. You can check out both of those at the bottom of this post!


Can you explain it in a “FND for dummies” kind of way?

It’s like Siri or Alexa: there is nothing wrong with your phone, but Siri never fails to interpret what you say incorrectly and send the wrong message which results in an undesired outcome like when you ask her to call Mom and you end up with facts about Guam. There is nothing structurally wrong with my brain, but the way it sends messages is incorrect. I’ll try not to go all psych nerd on you, but it comes down to my brain waves and basal ganglia (movement part of the brain, not a fancy cooking spice). Over the past 11 years my brain taught itself to fire more high activity brain waves (high-beta), but not enough calming brain waves (alpha). To sum it up: when my body experiences something out of the norm such as sickness or stress, it copes by sending waves that sound more like sororities than medical terms. My brain is all gas, and barely any brakes. Over the years my brain learned to use exercise as a mechanism to balance out my lack of calming waves. Exercise would be like the emergency brake in my all gas no brakes situation; it is a temporary fix but the problem will keep coming back. When I don’t exercise every day or I go to sleep at night, I have no way of compromising the high activity waves because sleeping and doing pushups all night isn’t an option.

When did your symptoms develop?

I’ve always been one to enjoy a good foreshadow. My symptoms didn’t appear until 5th grade…technically. One day I was perfectly fine, but the next day I went to school and FND decided to show up out of no where like a MN blizzard in the middle of April. I said “technically” because I recall having the same sensation in my arm years before that I can sense before I have a spell now. My arm would occasionally fly up on its own while I was watching cartoons in the morning, and we chalked it up to sleeping on it wrong. Even though I was young, I knew deep down that something wasn’t normal about it – and just like I have a hard time explaining what it feels like now, little Lauren didn’t have any better luck at it back then.

What caused it?

Hate to break it to you, but your guess is as good as mine. For 30% of FND patients it stems from emotional or physical trauma, but the rest of us have no clue why it came to be, and usually never find out. Needless to say, it’s hard to cure something when you don’t know what needs to be fixed, or even if you do find out what needs to be fixed, there may not be a way to fix it! Theories over the years include trauma from breaking my arm by being blasted out of a trampoline, which required two pins being put in, having them taken out while I was awake, and one pin getting stuck in my bone in the process (sorry to the queasy folks out there). I don’t know if I’m repressing some dark trauma of some sort; but as far as I’m concerned, my childhood was awesome. It was filled with sports, smiles, dolls, and the neighborhood crew I played with everyday. The only trauma I can think of is being dragged to my brother’s cold baseball tournaments (kidding…kind of). Another theory from my doctor is years of gymnastics trained my brain to become muscle dependent, so when I’m not using my muscles, it releases those pent up high activity waves. I know I always say I like to stay busy, but this is not what I meant!

What does it feel like? Does it hurt?

Explaining what it feels like compares to explaining what sound a dog makes without saying “woof” or making the noise… seriously, try it. No one will understand what I feel unless they have a spell themselves- just like you don’t know what woof sounds like until you say “woof.” It’s hard to fathom what it’s like to tell your body to stop moving but it won’t listen, and I liken it to trying to tell a toddler to stop running, and they do the exact opposite of that. It begins with a sensation in my shoulder that makes my arm feel lightweight and warm, it is my warning sign that tells me it’s about to start. Since I was diagnosed, my left arm permanently feels different from my right, almost like my left arm has a constant current running through it. I have about a minute between the sensation and my spell to get to a place where I can let it happen, or try to prevent it. If I can’t hold it off, it starts by contracting which feels like flexing a straight arm and leg, but with magnified intensity and can’t be bent at all no matter how hard someone tries to. I’m stuck like this for about 10 seconds-similar to the feeling of a charlie horse and not knowing when it will release. It then releases and violently shakes at a steady tempo, and then it will stop. The cycle continues until I try to do something to interrupt the cycle.

Does it hurt? No. But when it causes me to kick things it does! If I am sitting and there is a table right in front of me, I will indeed kick it with full force when my limbs contract. My spells themselves don’t hurt on any “regular” day, but when I am having a flare up due to one of the triggers, my spells become more violent which is a lot harder on my body as it strains my muscles.

What goes through your head when it happens?

What I tell myself during a spell depends on the situation. I was first diagnosed with a movement disorder on the Tourette’s Syndrome spectrum (this would be the incorrect diagnoses for the next 8 years), and I went to therapy for the “kid’s version” of CBT which didn’t last long because I was painfully shy. The one thing that stuck with me all these years, along with the crippling fear of having to share my feelings, was to tell myself: brain, it’s ok. It doesn’t make it stop, but it helps me to grasp onto that one phrase when I have a spell. When they happen at their usual time at night my inner dialogue is usually oh come on just let me sleep! But if I am in public? It’s a natural panic: What if someone sees me? I need to get out of here. I’m humiliated. I need help, but that attracts attention. Why are people staring at me? I’m stuck here. I can’t move. Why me, God? What do people think of me right now? Don’t start crying. I wish I could live like everyone else can. I’m alone, no one understands me. Brain you’re ok, brain you’re ok… Being in public when it happens is one of my greatest fears.

How were you a gymnast with a movement disorder?

I get asked this question a lot, but never really stopped to think about the irony of doing a sport that requires precise and specific movements all while having a disorder that is the exact opposite of that. I grew up doing gymnastics, but I also grew up with a movement disorder. I never saw FND as something that prevented me from doing what I loved, both were reality to me and went hand in hand. The gym was my safe haven; it was the place where I pounded out my stressors on floor, could sprint down the vault runway to release any anger, swing around the bars and feel lighter than the worries that weighed on my brain. I turned negative energy into pure power. Gymnastics was what kept my disorder at bay, and truth be told, I think the reason my disorder worsened when I stopped was because I no longer had my stress outlet that I had for 15 years.

What makes a spell stop?

Over the years it has changed, but the one method that never fails is movement. When I was little, I could just squeeze my left arm and it would stop, so I now have a reflexive habit of grabbing my arm when it happens even though it doesn’t do a thing anymore except prevent it from flailing out in front of me (you can see in the picture, old habits die hard). Simply standing up used to stop it, but now I can’t stand up on my own when it happens. Currently, I have to get up and do push ups, walk, or handstands. The challenge with this is if I try to stand up too quickly, my brain gets startled, and it makes another round of spells instantly start. I have to be careful when I try to move, or have someone help me because I’ll tip over if I don’t time it right. My spells are stronger than I am, and continue to get stronger as I get older. People have told me to try yoga, positive self talk, meditate, and other holistic methods; and while I’m sure those work for some people, all I need to do is drop and give myself 20 and I’m good as new. What can I say, I am a simple gal.

Why do you seem so…normal?

I get asked this more than you’d think. FND is acting normal, but not looking normal, at the same time. Maybe that’s my new party trick. I seem normal, because my brain IS normal. When I tell people I have non epileptic seizures they ask if I start to foam at the mouth, or go unconscious. FND is anticlimactic in the sense that it sounds scary, but in reality, nothing changes except that my left side is now moving on its own. I remain fully conscious, can still make fun of your bad haircut, have a full discussion about The Bachelor, crack stupid jokes, read incredibly dense psych articles, and use my whole right side to do things my left side temporarily can’t do. One time I was asked “how are you able to understand things in your AP and CIS classes with special needs?” My answer to them was “just like you do” and made sure I was out of sight before the waterworks flowed out of frustration that people don’t get it at all. Growing up, I participated in sports, held leadership positions, and did everything a normal teen would do. Most people didn’t know I had FND until I released my story two years ago. I spread awareness so no one else’s abilities get doubted like mine have just because they confuse cognitive disorder with neurological disorder.

What is the most embarrassing moment it has caused?

While there have been several embarrassing moments such as falling into a wall at the movie theater, getting called mentally handicapped by a student in the middle of class in front of everyone, or handstands in the locker bay and getting caught by a teacher who didn’t believe my situation and sent me back to class; my mind goes directly to competing my first gymnastics meet as a new Level 6 in Wisconsin. I had a lot to prove that day since I was new to that team, and of course, my FND decided to start about two minutes before I had to get up on a four inch wide beam and perform flips that required full control of my left side. My teammates had never seen what a FND spell looks like, so when they heard I was moved to the end of the line up and looked over at me needing help to stand up from my coach, they couldn’t take my eyes off me which made it that much harder to stop. Luckily by this age I knew what could get a spell to stop. I started to crank out push ups and handstands like no other, and within seconds, I was perfectly fine, got up on that beam, and stuck my routine like nothing ever happened. No one said anything about that instance ever again.

What is the scariest moment it has caused?

There is no doubt the one time I had a flare up while driving, or the nights I spent in the hospital when it first started were terrifying, but the one that comes to mind is the one I mentioned in my FND story two years ago; the night of the Gustavus vs. Oshkosh gymnastics meet. During a flare up, any slight startle will send me into a spell such as a loud noise, someone touching me, a bump in the car, or something unexpected happening. That day, I was watching bar warm ups and a girl’s foot slipped off, making a spell start. This time, push ups didn’t make it stop. It lasted for hours, and kept getting stronger with every cycle of sensation, contract, shake, rest. The whole ride from Wisconsin to the hospital in Minnesota, my spells were throwing me into the side of the car, and that was also the moment when it spread from just my leg and arm, to my neck. I can sense what a spell’s intensity will be which makes the anticipation the scariest part. While my parents were with me the whole time, there was no way they could make it stop or comfort me, and I felt completely alone and helpless.

Has it limited you in any way?

Yes it has. Over the years, I’ve found random triggers that flare it up. The first is I can’t travel much. It’s not the act of traveling; I’m perfectly fine on a plane, car, boat, horse and carriage, scooter, wagon, *insert any and all forms of transportation here.* It’s rather the fact I am sleeping anywhere but home that flares it up. In 7th grade I was at a sleepover and in the morning a girl approached me saying that I scared her because I wouldn’t stop shaking in the night and I looked like I was in an exorcism. Safe to say that stuck with me and I haven’t had a traditional sleepover since then.

Second, I can’t sit for too long. It’s made me think about my career path differently because if I have a job sitting at a desk all day, it will, and has, flared up. My summer internships were not only a career learning experience, but also a test run to see what my FND can handle. Binge watching Netflix is not an option for me, maybe this is FND telling me to get off my butt and be productive.

Third, it has limited relationships and opportunities. I have lost friends because they were scared of it and saw me as different once they found out, bosses didn’t handle things or treat me as they should have, and I’ve had guys end things because they “wanted someone normal and didn’t want to deal with it.” I’m one to find silver linings in situations, so in this situation, my brain doubles as a weed whacker.

Fourth, I have to exercise everyday. People say “that’s great!” but it sure didn’t feel great when I had no time in my schedule except at 4:30 AM to drag myself to the gym before my internship, was injured, or was sick. FND doesn’t care what state I am in, all it knows is that if it doesn’t get at least 1.5 hours of cardio a day, it freaks out like my dog does seeing the vacuum.

Fifth, eating dairy flares it up. All I have to say is if refraining from dairy were my day job, I would be fired ten times over already. I have to choose my battles when it comes to dairy, and a DQ run will never lose.

What are some of the weirdest theories you have tried to find a cure?

  1. Anti-seizure medication: I was misdiagnosed with focal seizures for a couple months at the beginning, and I respect anyone who has to take this everyday because it sucks all energy and life out of you.
  2. “Seratonin Smoothies”: These did absolutely nothing except burn me out on whey protein smoothies to this day.
  3. 3 AM Snack: Protein does not fix all things contrary to popular opinion. During flare up weeks my mom would come deliver me banana and peanut butter in the middle of the night.
  4. Sleeping with a sponge: For some FND patients, rubbing something scratchy distracts the brain and makes their spell stop. All I’m going to say is that the sponge that hung from my bedpost for years should have just stuck to cleaning the dishes.
  5. Parkinson’s medication: I understand the theory behind this one, but common sense says don’t take a drug unless you have the condition because it probably won’t work and may lead you to hallucinating a little bit 🙂
  6. Anti-anxiety medication: FND has incorrectly thought to be like Conversion Disorder aka psychological, and since I am a perfectionist, the doctor thought it would help. Plot twist: it led to an actual seizure.
  7. Not eating past 8 PM: I decided to be my own experiment participant. This one actually worked, but my p value wasn’t big enough to prove my data to be significant. Ya I’m a psych nerd, and I’m proud.
  8. No gluten, dairy, soy, or egg: This healed my gut problems that caused brain inflammation, but lemme tell ya this was harder than anything I’ve ever done. 110% do not recommend.
  9. Cuddling ice: Ice distracts the brain, so one night I decided to sleep with an ice cup. I don’t know about you but I prefer my teddy bear.
  10. Brain physical therapy: This included having my friends move my limbs for me, performing “BBQ rolls”, staring at dots, and a lot more things that look very weird to do in public.
  11. Supplements galore: At one point, I was taking 32 pills in the morning, 15 at lunch, and 32 at night. These supplements were for brain and gut health, and I bought out all the pill boxes at Walgreens to try to manage this situation. Turns out, the stress of having to literally meal prep pill boxes every week increased my cortisol levels!

What does Neurofeedback Therapy do, and has it helped?

It is basically potty training my brainwaves to send the right waves at the right time and getting positive feedback for doing so. This therapy came out in the past year to help those with ADHD, ADD, and Epilepsy, so might as well be a guinea pig for FND. The headband has sensors and electrodes that directly target the area of the brain that needs help. It then connects to an app called MyndLift which takes me through 20 minute sessions a day that consist of games ex: (correct brain waves=runner speeds up, incorrect brain waves=runner slows down), movies (correct= screen brightens, incorrect= screen dims), and music (correct=music louder, incorrect=music softer). They need to get a better music selection because I am very tired of Bach and Indian flute music.

Has it helped… yes?.. While the app results and my doctor tell me that my stats are improving and my brain is learning to send the correct brain waves, I have yet to feel any improvement. I started out only being able to send correct waves for 5 seconds in a row, and now I am at 194 consecutive seconds. It was explained to me that everything is stirred up for a while and once the dust settles that’s when results are felt. It will be like the great reveal in Fixer Upper, as my brain is getting up and fixed.

What is the best thing about having it?

I am glad someone asked me this because it hasn’t been all bad. It’s been a blessing in disguise that has made me who I am as I share time and time again. First, it’s shown me who I can trust and who my support system is. Second, it has made my faith stronger because- quite literally- God only knows how to help me through this so I gotta trust Him. Third, I can’t complain about having my own room in college and not going through the stress of room draw (especially since my number was terrible every single year). Lastly, it keeps my body and brain healthy in the sense where I do have to exercise everyday, eat right, and since alcohol and a brain that hates any bodily changes probably don’t mix well, I haven’t had a drink unless church wine counts. Has it been hard being the minority in college? Yeah, but it’s also been cool seeing people respect my decision. Not to mention it’s a tad bit entertaining when I tell them alcohol could lead to non epileptic seizures in which their eyes bug out and they say “yeah girl you should just stick with water!” I don’t think my body is missing lukewarm pitcher beer anyways.

Why are you so public about it when you can easily hide it and avoid the stigma?

I kept my FND to myself for eight years. I wish I didn’t because that’s eight more years I could have been helping others find their faith, and strength. Hiding it made me feel like I was supposed to be ashamed of this part of me I couldn’t control, and I finally got to the point where I’d rather be open about it than keep quiet to preserve a reputation. I share my story because it allows me to help others by relating to them in ways they didn’t think I could. I can connect with those who have experienced bullying, discrimination, other illnesses, and adversity. It’s been rewarding opening others’ eyes to believe that yes, life has dragged you through a time that’s as bad as a middle school hallway sprayed with too much Axe body spray, but each step makes you stronger. This year, someone I’ve never met approached me in the cafeteria after I shared my FND story about blessings in disguise on campus, and said it inspired them to find blessings in disguise to give them hope to keep going. FND helps me help others grow a relationship with Christ. Multiple people have asked me how I still believe in a God that has given this disorder to me. I answer that I fully believe God gave me this disorder to be a light so He can work through me to help others start to believe in themselves, and overcome their own battles. They usually don’t have a counterargument to that and later ask me to show them how to see life through my lens. Sharing my story has led to some of the most fulfilling work I have done. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says God gives us challenges and comforts us so we are able to comfort others. This is exactly what I have chosen to do with my challenge, and it makes my life a lot more purposeful than it would be if I kept to myself.

What’s the first thing you would do if you were cured?

I actually never thought about this before! I vaguely recall what pre FND life was like. I think the first thing I would do is go do everything that would flare it up (traveling, sitting too long, going off my sleep schedule, eating dairy, not exercising, sunburn) all at once. This poses me with several hypothetical options:

  • Travel to Italy (post Coronavirus of course) in which I would indulge in all the dairy filled gelato, and the cheesiest Italian pizza that I have ever had.
  • Sit for a very very long time on a plane to Australia and go get a nice sunburn on a beach just because I can.
  • Take a road trip with my friends and stay up late every single night.
  • Have my first ever “rest day” by choice (it’s been YEARS). Learn how to enjoy exercise again and not see it as a chore.
  • Go find someone who has strep throat and catch it from them to truly prove that my FND is gone (strep is the worst thing I can get with this disorder).

While these options all sound so amazing (maybe not the last one), I don’t think I would know what to do with myself – kind of like a too good to be true type of thing -but I would work to knock down the years of barriers it has built and go back to pre FND Lauren. She was fearless, happy all the time, open minded, always moving and full of energy. She was never scared to say yes to anything, loved to travel, and she lived in the moment. That is my ultimate goal, and FND has been my road block all these years even though I’ve tried my hardest to go around it. While I want to be the bright eyed witty character I used to be, and she’s starting to come back more these days, the one thing I can leave in the past about pre FND Lauren is the bangs!


Thank you to those who have supported me these last three years, but also to those who have stuck with me the other eight years! Each year this day comes around, there’s been more research and more findings. That is my light at the end of the tunnel. This day is not only to bring awareness for a disorder, but it’s also an opportunity for me to be grateful for those who have educated themselves in order to support me, celebrate how far I have come, and remind myself why it is so important to stay positive and be thankful for each day. Any lingering questions? Don’t hesitate to send me a message or check out http://fndhope.org ! Below are the links to my last two posts!

https://lifeoflauren.online/2019/04/07/life-with-fnd/ (Life with FND)

https://lcasey47.wixsite.com/lifeoflauren/single-post/2018/03/29/My-FND-Story?fbclid=IwAR31fw8Sdkt-fhdgxynbqAggdyWxYAmCNAcMuYeIu0QcQNrry7sFdsnATJ4 (My FND Story)

Thanks for reading and becoming more #FNDaware,

~Lauren

COVID-19 Realizations

I don’t think I need to inform you that our world’s have been tipped upside down and shaken a couple times like trying get the last bit of ketchup out of the bottle. Target has no TP, stocks are plummeting, social distancing has become a hashtag, the health club is closed, and restaurants that have served us for years have closed their doors. Nothing about this is normal, but as terrible as this all may be, many of you know I like to find blessings in disguise. In this case, being stuck inside has been one. While I am still trying to find the hidden blessing in having to end my senior year of college at home, online, and am missing out on all the big things spring of senior year brings, I know someday I will have my answer. This post is to highlight everything I have realized since I’ve been stuck in the Casey quarters, as well as to voice my thoughts on the matter that I am sure many of my fellow seniors share.


You don’t know what you have until it is gone

As deep as this may sound, that’s not where I am going with this. First, toilet paper. I never would guess this is where peoples’ minds would go in a crisis, and while it seems like there are more important products to focus on, think about the last time you went and reached for TP but it wasn’t there – your stomach dropped and you panicked, don’t deny it. Second, food items. The phrase “where’s the beef?” has turned into an actual question. America also seemed to throw the low carb Keto diet out the window. Bread and cereal are disappearing, and this is the first time my family has gotten white bread in years instead of our fancy flax fiber bread (maybe with less fiber we won’t need as much TP). Whether people believe cereal will keep them alive, or if they’ve just rediscovered their Lucky Charms addiction because they were out of Raisin Bran and had to make up for all the years they missed out on it by buying out the store? I don’t know. Third, the gym. I have found that making my own workouts or the thought of going for a run is so daunting when I’m used to hopping on an elliptical everyday while watching Netflix. Third, independence. While I love my family and can easily go hide in my room all day, there really is no true independence when forced to be in the same place for days at a time, and honestly I feel bad for my parents having to deal with me when I’m in a mood! I love the company and not being alone through this, but I am starting to get flashbacks to my middle school/high school days and slowly am forgetting I am a 21 year old senior in college! Lastly, college. The thought that I can’t go back and do over the events and celebrations I am missing makes my heart break.

I am a homebody…to an extent

This situation is so ironic because I was always one to come home from Gustavus on the weekends because I missed the comfort of my room, and a shower bigger than a MRI machine tube. Now, I can’t wait for the day I can go inside a building other than my house. Heck, even going inside the DMV sounds fun at this point. I am getting tired of the bubblegum pink walls in my room the more I’m encased in them, and it is never something I have felt before! I love my home, but when you are forced to stay in it, everything looks different.

Wants vs. needs

Maslow’s heirarchy of needs has never been so true; because I don’t see getting my hair done, going to yoga class, needing new clothes, buying a certain brand of bread, or going to the movies anywhere on that pyramid. During this time, I have been rocking sweatpants and no makeup every day – because mascara won’t keep me any more alive than I already am (although it makes me look more alive am I right ladies?). I have eaten leftovers multiple times this week (12 lbs of ground turkey for a now canceled sorority event coming in clutch) -because where I eat doesn’t matter as much as what I eat. I have let my roots grow out, revealing that I am not a true bright blonde anymore- because my hair color won’t kill me. My days have become so simple, and I actually enjoy it. Relying on what I truly need vs want has left more time for important things such as family and self growth. At the end of the day, your acrylic fingernail job won’t get you very far if you are feeling alone and need a hug from family to get you through all this.

Take things one day at a time

For someone who likes to be in control of everything in my life, more specifically the future, this has been a test for me. Hearing that I had to finish school online which includes writing my senior capstone research paper, my stress levels hit the roof (they’d go higher but I’m stuck inside). My dad always told me to take things one day at a time, and that’s all I can do right now so I don’t freak myself out thinking about how I’m going to figure out how to present my final research to my class online, how much strength I’m losing without the gym (soup cans can only take you so far), or if I need to keep planning things that were supposed to happen in May. Honestly, I don’t even know what day it is today because everyday is so different that I can’t keep track! It’s amazing how much more calm I feel when I am not trying to figure out answers to questions that only God knows.

True community

I never thought I’d see so many people coming together to help each other, and it is heartwarming and screams Mark 12:31! It’s also been refreshing hearing officials on the news come together to fight this rather than fight each other. All the small businesses offering free delivery, curbside service, and the community rallying to support them has been eye opening. Strangers offering resources and time to those who need it most is incredible. There certainly are no shortage of babysitters, food donations, positive hashtags, and time for one another. It makes me wonder what more we could do if we all had more time in our lives. I have enjoyed seeing more people out walking in my neighborhood, the hanging of Christmas lights to unify neighborhoods and knowing a big snowstorm probably won’t accompany them as usual, and knowing that we all share the same struggle right now. Psychology shows that tough times make humans feel a closer bond, and I can definitely see that happening!

How great technology is

This is not a humble plug due to the fact that I’m going to be an IT consultant soon…or is it. I can’t even imagine what life would be like during this time if technology were not a thing. I wouldn’t finish class, attend a church service, wouldn’t get to Facetime my best friend in quarantine, make and watch Tik Toks to pass time (maybe that’s why it’s called Tik Tok), snapchat ugly pictures to people in order to make them feel better, record my at home work outs to post for my fit fam, write this blog, or call my grandparents to see if they are ok and continue to answer the same questions about my love life. If we had none of this, we would have to do something insane like actually read a book or even worse, have nothing to do for more than five minutes at a time.

I’m extremely grateful

Seeing how everything has unfolded, it has made me so grateful for where I am in life right now. I am grateful to have accepted a job offer last fall, and I can’t even imagine what my peers are going through right now trying to get hired during a hiring freeze. I am grateful for the resources I have. Food on the table, a bubblegum pink room to sleep in, a car to act as a safe haven bubble when I need to get away, and plenty of toilet paper as well as other paper products I could possibly wipe with (I bet those XL dinner napkins work great) are available to me and a for sure thing during this unsure time. Lastly, I am grateful for my health, and that I started my new treatment when I did. It has given me the privilege to feel less anxious than those who may have other conditions, and know that my brain can handle this situation a lot better than it would have a couple months ago. As weird as it sounds, I am grateful to have FND rather than asthma like my brother. This time of trouble has shown me just how many people aren’t sure if their kid will get lunch that day, or even a meal a day. Not everyone can zoom off to the store or get away when they want to. Not everyone has a family they love being around, and not everyone can even be with their family during this time.

Nature is neat

Due to the fact my gym is closed, it means I had to swap out the treadmill with the “outdoor walk” scene, for the actual outdoors. The past weeks I have gone on very long walks and runs through town, and even though I take the same route each time, I still have yet to be bored. Spring is one of my favorite times; it reminds me that all the cold and ugliness of winter is literally melting away as the sun shines longer and brighter each day. I’ve felt closer to God this week out on my walks, because something about being out in nature brings more clarity to me. I can only hope that God will let the cold and ugliness of this pandemic melt away and bring more warmth to the world soon. The one thing that’s not so neat about nature? Getting chased by a goose down the road during a run, 100% would not recommend this experience!

A new level of productivity

Upon arriving back home, I realized I had two weeks of break, and nothing to do. I have never wished away a spring break until now. At first doing nothing sounded great; Netflix, sleeping in, and absolutely no sense of responsibility except to make sure I feed myself. That becomes very boring after about a day, and usually I don’t use the word boring in my vocabulary. This week the most fun parts of my day were researching my senior capstone for three hours, cleaning out and organizing 20 years of stuff in the basement, photoshooting all 40 of my Webkinz to post on Facebook Marketplace, and counting in my head all the change I have accumulated from when I was little consisting in $39 in quarters, $20 in dimes, $16 in nickels, and $14.62 in pennies…yes I did in fact willingly spend my time counting 1,462 pennies. Everyday chores such as laundry, clearing out the dishwasher, and vacuuming are now fun for me. What else are you supposed to do so much time on your hands?

New definition for exercise

When I found out Lifetime closed down, I immediately had two thoughts: 1. The irony of a health club closing to keep people healthy and 2. How am I supposed to get my exercise without the gym? I have a weird belief that exercise doesn’t work as well if it isn’t in the gym, but logically that isn’t true, and this experienced has forced me to challenge that belief and heal my weird relationship with exercise. Muscles don’t know the difference between a dumbbell and a soup can, or running on the treadmill versus running outside! I’ve gotten creative with my workouts including using therapeutic corn bags for weights, using a cardboard box full of textbooks for sled pushes, squatting my portable gymnastics bar with bags full of piano books hanging off the ends, coming up with weird new exercises because squats get boring after a while, dancing for cardio and realizing I go a lot harder while dancing to Shake it Off by T Swift than I do on #SprintSaturdays, and seeing what random items I can deadlift. Lastly, walking is so underrated; try walking at a 4 mph pace for 4 miles straight..not like a walk in the park at all!

Little things mean a lot

This experience has made me appreciate the little things in life a lot more. It is normal for me to go spend my afternoon in Starbucks blogging away with my cold brew, and meeting up with my family later at our favorite restaurant spots. Church and brunch every Sunday is a tradition I never thought would be interrupted, especially since I’ve never seen church “close” for anything. The lack of normalcy led me to sitting in the Starbucks parking lot, cold brew in hand, trying to feel that normalcy again, and it felt so nice! Changing up dinner has also been a little thing that makes a huge difference (can’t have taco meat every night, gross), and having my favorite restaurant in take out form has been a luxury! Being able to stream my church service is a small source of courage even though it’s not the same, and cooking up brunch at home led to my brother joining us at the table which hasn’t been a scene in the Casey house since he moved out- something I forgot I enjoyed so much. I always say it is the little things that count; even if that’s sitting in a parking lot jamming out, watching your pastor make a joke even though no one laughs because no one is there, driving through your favorite place to eat, getting outside for a walk around the block, an outing to Target, or talking to a friend over Facetime; they make a huge difference.

I’m ready to adult

When I was back at school, I was apprehensive about graduating because I wasn’t sure how well I would do on my own. I can’t cook nor did I have a kitchen at school, trying to understand anything finance related is a lost cause, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to break off from my parents quite yet. Being home, I have caught senioritis and have realized that I can do all the things I was nervous about, and I actually want to! Like I mentioned, I love my parents, but it is so weird coming back from school where I am used to being independent, then switching to having my mom do my laundry for me again. It feels like a step backwards, and I am at the point where I am ready to move forward and take matters in my own hands, even if that means making some mistakes at first. Although I must say, I am still scared to cook for myself out of sincere concern for my own health.

Being alone doesn’t have to be a bad thing

With all this time on my hands, I have renewed my love for writing, reading for fun, and psychology. None of it feels like a chore, or forced relaxation anymore. It’s amazing how having time to spend improves mindset and perspective. All my life I have been an introvert, and I feel like this experience has been the ultimate test of that. I enjoy being alone, except for when I am alone with negative feelings in which I am a pro for avoiding by staying busy. This ordeal has taught me to actually feel out my sadness from not seeing my friends, stress from uncertainty, and anger from seeing my senior year gone like the TP supply. I’ve learned so much about myself by having that time to figure myself out and become at peace with the wrong kind of March madness.

I’m actually not okay

I thought I was ready to be done with school, but having it end with no closure or warning isn’t what I meant. As I mentioned, I stuff my feelings like my uncle stuffs himself at Thanksgiving. I avoid letting others know I am feeling anything other than great, but this has felt like trying to hold a beach ball under water, so yeah, I did have a meltdown one night at dinner like I did during my terrible twos. Usually when I say I am fine, I truly am fine, but this time the cliche “when a girl says she’s fine she’s not” applies to me. Saying so long to Gustavus on my own terms, my class that I loved going to each week, being able to say bye to my friends who live across the country, my final Honors Day Ceremony, my last formal for sorority, my last term as Psi Chi honor society co-president and receiving my cords, senior week, spring recruitment, potentially commencement… all vanished in the same second. It feels like accidentally letting go of a balloon and watching it fly away, slowly with each confirmed case of COVID-19, my chance of getting my senior year back is farther out of reach and I’m just sitting here watching it go away. It really hit me as I was peeling the pictures off my wall in my dorm, tears rolling down my face in disbelief, and disassembling the place I called home. Many of you know my last three years of college have not been the most enjoyable due to all the adversity I faced, and I was looking forward to the memorable events and ceremonies that would make every hardship I dragged myself through worth it to say that I finally made it to the other side. To be able to say this semester was adversity free. This spring has always been my light at the end of the tunnel, and it hurts knowing that end of the tunnel closed up as I won’t be ending it the way I envisioned it to be as a freshman. I have no other way to put all of this into words except that this situation absolutely positively sucks and feels like a gaping hole is inside me that hasn’t been patched up.

But it is ok to feel this way

Living in the middle of history, while it will always be memorable, these aren’t the memories I wanted to have. I don’t like to feel like I am complaining, which is why I kept these feelings to myself in the first place. I’ve got great things ahead of me; a job and a new apartment, so why should I stay stuck on the death of a few events and recognitions while people are dying? As my parents helped me realize, I am allowed to be angry and sad, but I didn’t expect to feel grief and extreme loss like this. While I know I need to move on eventually, it is ok for me to be jealous of everyone who had their senior year go as planned. While I know Gustavus will do their best to give the seniors the ceremony they deserve, it feels a lot to me like trying to make a crumpled piece of paper back to its original state-it will never be or feel the same. Some of my worst Terrible Tuesdays happened at Gustavus, those who have been following me for a while have heard about the shower curtain situation many times. I can’t help but feel a weird sense of comfort that all of this news hit me on a Tuesday, confirming that my theory of Terrible Tuesday is real, and I now can dump all the blame on the fact that it was a Tuesday rather than someone or something. I know God has a plan for everything and a silver lining will come out of this such as my senior class coming together like never before, but man, what a twisted way to do that. Years from now I’ll look back on this and see how it strengthened me and taught me so many things that I needed to learn before I started the new chapter in my life. Hopefully someday I will look back and laugh at how upset I am that I won’t get one more caf dinner.

It can be hard to find light and be the light in such a serious time, but once we are on the other side of this, nothing will be the same, and I truly believe we will be better than we were. Sometimes it takes something drastic to have a reality check – I know I’ve personally had one and I feel like a new person despite the confusion I am still feeling. I challenge you to find loopholes or new hobbies this week: Facetime a friend over dinner, have a “quarantini” with your girl gang over Zoom, go have a nice lake walk date 6 feet apart (maybe this is the Lord’s universal way of saying save room for Jesus on dates), have lunch at your favorite spot in the parking lot, start a new book, make up a fun workout with the can of beans you know you’ll never actually eat, journal your experience to you have it years from now, get chased by a goose like I did if you’re up for that challenge, or sit and just feel everything you’ve denied. God knows what he is doing, He knows all the answers that we don’t have, and He will guide us down this unknown path. Philippians 4:13, y’all!

Stay inside, and stay sane!

~Lauren