Modern Technology: What I wish could be reversed


A conversation I had this week inspired this post, and got me thinking about how technology has morphed the way we live today. Writing this as an IT consultant may seem a bit ironic since new technology and software is my job security, but the psychology nerd in me sees something different. As technology continues to become more capable than anything I could ever imagine, it’s also getting us farther away from the authentic and wholesome moments we probably all have experienced in the past. Technology is meant to make our lives easier, and it does in a physical sense, I mean who would go back to a typewriter? But from my perspective, it’s starting to go a bit too far and is making the unseen parts of our lives harder such as mental health, motivation, and emotional intelligence. Technology does a lot of things for us now; taking the full experience and effort out of what we used to do without the aid of a device. Call me old fashioned, but here’s 10 things I wish I could reverse back to how they were!


1. Capturing video footage

It is so easy nowadays to whip out your phone and Snapchat your dad running around the house cheering because your mom approved of the birthday gift he gave her…I did this just the other day if you couldn’t tell already this was a true story. The fact that we can Snapchat, Instagram story, Tik Tok, or simply just use smartphone video any time we want has made moments that used to be so special…kinda just a norm. We are able to video so much now, that we are just living through a lens rather than being present a majority of the time- videoing concerts and putting a whole song on your snap story is a great example of this, or taking videos of your dinner spread. I miss the giant chunky camcorder because the fact that it was a beast made it less attractive to bring it around everywhere, meaning, we were all present and not experiencing every single moment through a lens. Did your parents ever video what you were eating for dinner at a restaurant with an actual camera? How weird would that be? Yet now, it’s perfectly normal to make your McDonalds chicken nuggets be as famous as you used to be in your home videos.

Recently I dusted off (literally) the box of Casey camcorder home video footage. The fact that I had to dig them up, and go through the whole process of loading them into the DVD and actually watch the DVD rather than skip over parts made it more authentic. I came across one of my first gymnastics classes as a 4 year old, the age I coach now, and while all the skills (even the goodbye song) have stayed the same all these years, the one thing that’s changed is the parents Snapchatting their kids through the windows and staring at their phones editing the videos for half the class. Through watching my home videos, I’ve realized the best moments to look back on are the ones not edited out, such as my brother trying to jump in the kiddy pool and wiping out completely. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with documenting kids growing up on Instagram highlights or using social media to easily access memorable moments because that is just our world now, but it feels nice to rewind back to the past in more ways than one sometimes, and see all the unfiltered, unedited, raw footage.

2. Elevators

There are just some things that really don’t need to be changed. Touch screen toasters, refrigerators, coffee makers…but the one that baffles me the most is touch screen elevators. I work in the SPS Tower on the 27th floor, and the first day I showed up to my new client, the elevator stumped the IT consultant. Answer this, would you ever imagine an elevator to not have buttons on the inside? Exactly. There’s NOTHING in there except the prayers and hope that I will not get stuck. So how does it work? There is a touch screen in the elevator lobby with every floor listed. I touch the 27th floor, and it will tell me which elevator to proceed to; I, H, K, L, O, or J -apparently A, B, C, D, E, F were taken that day. I have learned the hard way that these fancy tech ones don’t detect someone is in the doors if you try to hold the elevator for someone. I have been an elevator door Lauren sandwich several times already because those things don’t have any mercy for not walking fast enough. I decided to test out one day what would happen after I arrived at my floor and didn’t get out. The doors closed and I did not move. This led to me being stuck in the elevator for 10 minutes until someone queued it up again. This definitely is not more effective than the old way in my opinion, but it might be a great exposure therapy method.

3. Cell Phones

This is probably a very unpopular opinion, but I hate smart phones. While they give us access to so much online, they take away from everything else going on outside of the tiny little screen. Having a flip phone was one of the best things ever because all I did was text, take low quality pictures, and feel really cool when my “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz ring tone went off. I liked the fact that people weren’t glued to their phones all the time. I remember getting my first smart phone, and my interests suddenly shifted. I no longer went outside much in my free time, didn’t touch board games anymore, stopped reading books because Temple Run was life, never went anywhere without it, and all my attention was now on that little screen when I was with my friends or family. Having a smartphone definitely affected my mood a lot more, too, and created more stress in my life than there needed to be. The fact that I had to wait to get a flip phone until 7th grade I now see as a great move in hindsight. It gave me the childhood that kids should have, and protected me from a lot of crappy things in the world.

Now, elementary school kids are getting better iPhones than I am and the number of iPhones is starting to sound a lot like Kidz Bop- you don’t know if they will ever end. I miss the days where we weren’t checking our phones every minute for notifications, Facebook and email could only be checked on the computer, and finding the perfect emoji wasn’t a thing. The only options were colon + parentheses faces or a semi colon parentheses if you were flirting with your middle school crush. Emojis are a part of our vocabulary now, and middle schoolers won’t every understand the gravity of finally getting an old school smiley back from the cutie in homeroom signifying they liked you back.

4. Alarms

Call me an old lady, but I miss the days of digital alarm clocks that sat on nightstands, and having to physically get up to find which button would turn it off otherwise it would just keep going. The heart attack that my clock gave me every morning was way more effective than my iPhone alarm that I only hear half the time. By the time I finally got up for school to turn the darn thing off, I’d be awake enough that snooze would be pointless, whereas that is not the case anymore since it is so much easier to justify sleeping 10 more minutes five times when the snooze button is right in front of your face, or the “twinkle” sound isn’t as jolting. The alarm clock also eliminated the habit of sitting on my phone in the morning for a solid 5-10 minutes. When your alarm is on your phone; it only makes sense to go check every social media platform, email account, Target cartwheel discounts of the week, stalk your second cousin on Facebook, look through your whole camera roll, and order your mom’s birthday gift after turning your alarm off, right? For something that is supposed to make our lives easier and productive, making the phone alarm a norm certainly did not achieve that.

5. Social Media

I am a total hypocrite when it comes to this one since I use it daily, but I wish all social media beyond Facebook were never invented- specifically Instagram and Tik Tok. Everyone is so caught up with trying to make it look like they’re living their best lives that it has detrimental effects on mental and physical health. I wrote my senior capstone on how social media directly affects mental health, specifically body dysmorphia and eating disorders in both men and women, and that self compassion and positive psychology are a key to eliminating that. This is a legit finding, not just a correlation. The issue is that social media instills in us automatic negative thoughts (ANTs), and that’s the opposite of self compassion. There is so much comparison that it creates unrealistic expectations, and negative affirmations that our brains recite to us daily. I can even attest and confess to this. I remember having no body image issues or concerns about my life before I got Instagram, but once I did, I started to feel insecure about my looks, thought others didn’t like me if I didn’t get enough likes, and felt bad about not having perfect Pinterest moments. Not to mention, it wastes so much time, yet we all know it and still do it! Even the content that people are posting nowadays has changed. In 9th grade I was posting gymnastics pictures or pictures with my family. Now, I see 9th graders posting questionable selfies, and stories I wouldn’t dare post even as a 23 year old. The impact social media has on people’s decision making skills and emotions is astounding, and I only foresee it to get worse as Instagram will cause more disordered eating due to diet culture, hidden snap stories will promote lying/sneaking around, and Tik Tok will probably lead to even more cringey dancing in public.

6. Watches

I used to wear a watch everyday as a kid because that is how I would check the time…hence what it was made for. Now, Apple Watches are actually making the word “watch” literal- as in – watching our watches for move rings, calorie goals, weather updates, texting, and almost everything but the time. I do believe they are amazing little creations and can be helpful for a lot of things, but they also can be harmful to mental health and productivity. This past month my Apple Watch broke for a solid week, and I felt a lot of anxiety the first few days because I didn’t know how many calories I burned, what my heart rate was, how many steps I took at work, and a whole lot of other anxiety inducing things. It made me stop and think I lived 20 years without one, why is it so hard to go back to not relying on having this information and just going about my day again? Watches were not made to create anxiety except to tell you that you’re about to be late for work again. After the first few days passed without my Apple Watch, my mental health actually improved. I no longer was as concerned about closing my move ring, didn’t think about what I was able to eat during the day based on how many calories my watch told me I burned, I was a lot more present at work and with friends, and I didn’t walk into the clear wall at work again due to scrolling through watch notifications. Let’s go back to glancing at our watch rather than walking into walls shall we?

7. “Ok Google”

My family will full on be able to tell you how much this one bugs me. I am so annoyed by any and all Google Homes, Google Minis, Google lightbulbs, and any other Google device that is not the search engine (no hard feelings against the OG Google). My whole family has converted to talking to Google to do easy things like turn on lights, turn on music, etc…when it actually takes more time for Google to do it since it malfunctions or doesn’t understand half the time. What was so difficult about standing up and walking over to turn on a lamp? To this day, I still refuse to use the 4+ Googles in my parents house and will go out of my way to manually turn on the lights because I can. Yes, it is cool that technology can automate things like that for us, especially for those who may have a disability, that’s where I see technology being beneficial and it should be implemented. But for things that just make things easier simply because we may be lazy or the task takes 5 seconds longer…I can’t justify that quite yet.

8. Watching a movie

When it comes to movies, they’ve kind of lost their pizazz since they’re so easily accessible, and don’t have a “return by” date on them. One of my favorite things to do growing up was Friday night movie runs to Blockbuster. My brother and I would roam the aisles looking for the perfect movie to watch, and argue over which one to get since apparently princesses weren’t doing it for him. When we got home, we’d have a routine of being the “movie hosts” by setting up all the comfy chairs with blankets and pillows, taking popcorn orders, aka, my brother writing on a piece of paper what kind of seasoning wanted, drink options, and crushed or cubed ice then making our parents check the box and return their selections to me (I was the waitress, he was the chef). We would get so excited over this and when the movie started, we were glued to the TV. When Red Box came out, we thought that was the latest and greatest technology that would make Blockbuster go out of business. Still, we loved picking out movies at McDonalds for our Kentucky road trips to watch in the car, and being able to return them to any Red Box across the nation was groundbreaking. Something about getting to pick out a movie that could physically be held was so special. Now, I can’t tell you how many times I have flipped through Netflix, picked a movie, and barely even watched it because I don’t have the urgency to pay attention. There’s nothing ritualistic or special about hitting play on Netflix, knowing you can watch it every single day if you wanted to.

9. Cooking Gadgets

Most people would jump at the offer if someone willingly said they wanted to get you and Instant Pot or Air Fryer, but not me. My family has tried to hard to get me to cave into jumping on the kitchen gadget bandwagon because apparently it cooks lentils and mashed cauliflower like a charm, but I refuse to get on that wagon, because I don’t think I’ve touched a lentil in my life and my pre made frozen mash tastes delightful heated up in the microwave. Plus, I have a perfectly good stove, oven, microwave, and toaster in my apartment! Sure, maybe it can cook my chicken 12 minutes faster than it would in the oven, but honestly, I am not in a rush, and all the different cooking mediums are starting to stress me out! Psychology says that when you are presented with too many choices, it actually causes more stress. In my case, the fact that I would have so many options to cook a potato would make me want to give up and run to the frozen aisle at Trader Joe’s. The thought of all the dozens of cookbooks made for each device, all for different diets, makes me want to pull my hair out. I like to keep things simple, and am a bit of a minimalist if you couldn’t tell. The day everyone stops saying “Insta Pot” instead of Instant Pot will be the day I cave, which will probably be nowhere in the near future.

10. Music Medium

When I think back to how I used to listen to music, man has it changed. I never would’ve imagined that Spotify would have become so big after I spent years buying songs off iTunes that I heard on the radio. Even though the radio is still around, I rarely ever listen to it anymore because I kind of forget it is there. While I have the freedom to listen to anything any time I want on Spotify, I have to say, I get sick of my same old playlists all the time, and even when I do hit shuffle, I find myself skipping songs until I find one that I want to listen to. I definitely get tired of Spotify by the end of my work day. With the radio, I never knew what I would get next, was forced to listen to a whole song, enjoyed the talk shows, and honestly, I miss hearing the Shane Co ad every once in a while (494 and Hopkins crossroad…you finish the rest). The debut of a brand new song on the radio was a lot more exciting and hyped up than new songs on streaming methods. Would I want to get rid of Spotify at this point? No, I don’t know if I could do that now that I am instantly gratified by Thomas Rhett whenever I want, but I miss the presence of the radio a lot more now than I used to…except when the severe weather warnings would cut into the middle of the song causing me to run out of the shower mid shampoo due to fear that I would get sucked into a tornado at that instant.


Dealing with change can be hard, and I have found through my job that this is true for all ages. Even I (as you can see) have a hard time adopting changes when I am attached to how I’m used to doing things, and don’t see the need for making my chicken a little bit crispier in an air fryer. There is a whole career dedicated to helping people adjust to change in the business world; but there’s nothing out there to help us adjust to change outside the business realm such as social media platforms, streaming services, making a cake in anything other than an oven, your watch telling you when to breathe, using elevators without buttons, or turning lightbulbs off with our voices. Part of getting others to adopt change is showing why it is beneficial and how it will improve the current process…and I just can’t see that yet myself. I do believe that what technology can do now is amazing, I will not debate against that, but it makes me sad to think that future generations will never get to experience things the way I have growing up, and the simplicity of life before turning a TV on required 5 remotes. If I had one wish, I would make society go back to seeing technology as a luxury rather than a necessity. Would you?

~Lauren

Hidden Psychology: Finding psychology in the unexpected

I think most of you know by now that I am a proud psychology geek from the references I sneak into almost every post I make. Psychology, to most, is simply the study of human behavior and why we do what we do; but have you ever stopped to think about what affects our decisions, mood, motives, etc beyond the fact that our brains tells us to do or feel something? Sometimes we get so used to everyday life that we don’t stop and think about how we came to our decision to impulse buy the cereal we haven’t eaten since we were five, or why we chose to wear all black instead of a brighter color on a rainy day. Unlike math, psychology applies to literally everything, and I do mean that literally (do you use derivatives to decide what you want for lunch? Didn’t think so). While I could make a much bigger list than what I am about to explain, here are 10 places that you see or use psychology every single day.


1. Psychology is in your sandwich

Psychology has a lot to do with what foods we make and decide to eat on a given day. We base what we eat on texture, flavor, how long it takes to prepare, etc…but why does that even matter? If there was no psychological aspect to eating we would be fine with eating piles of lettuce every meal because it quiets hunger. Our decisions come from a motive…that motive being our mood and the context of our day. We’ve all heard of emotional eating, but it goes beyond that because psychology dictates what foods we eat on days where we aren’t drowning our sorrows in chocolate, too. Eating is not an act to fulfill physical needs, it also feeds us mentally, and sometimes spiritually. Have you ever noticed how comforting a warm bowl of soup is on a gloomy/cold day, but you wouldn’t dare eat some scorching bowl of chicken noodle poolside in the middle of summer? (I mean if you do, all power to you). On the converse, an ice cold lemonade by the pool is a lot more mood boosting than an ice cold lemonade watching the first snowfall. There’s a reason some foods are called comfort foods, because we eat them to feel good or connected to something. This could be along the lines of choosing a category of food that aligns with your mood (taco Tuesday is definitely a mood), toasting with a glass of champagne, or maybe eating your grandma’s famous broccoli casserole when you miss her since she lives halfway across the country. Next time you decide what you want for dinner, notice what’s happening in your life around you and how it affects what choice you make.

2. Psychology keeps you efficient

Engineering Psychology exists to essentially predict how humans will mess up. Why isn’t the reverse gear next to drive? Why is technology made the way it is? Why is “Hot” up and “Cold” down in the shower? Why does your microwave have a “popcorn” setting but not a “hot pocket” setting (still probably would be cold on the inside). It is important to involve psychology in the design of building houses, cars, new technology, and machines in order to make sure that our human tendency to mess up under pressure doesn’t put anyone at risk. But also, because our brains interact with things in a certain way, and humans resort to doing a lot of the same things. For instance, we associate two non-related things with each other such as hot with up, and cold with down which is why showers are the way they are. I can guarantee you that there was a psychologist on call for the design of the iPhone, and that there is a reason the home button was placed on the bottom rather than on the back or side (and a reason the home button is no longer there anymore). Have you ever seen some ridiculous rule or law somewhere and thought “why on earth does this need to be said?” It’s probably because some bonehead did that stupid thing, and that’s what engineering psychologists try to predict in order to prevent. I instantly think of the law in Kentucky stating “no carrying an ice cream cone in your back pocket” …someone set the precedence, and maybe that’s why women’s jeans are now designed with little to no pockets at all!

3. Psychology makes you buy blue things

We all know that the main point of marketing is to get us to buy something, or positively promote. But as I will keep saying in this post, HOW do we suddenly go from only needing to pick up shampoo at Target, to coming out with 7 new cheesy decorative pillows, 5 bags of flavored popcorn, and all the products marked “new”? Consumer Psychologists work to study consumer behavior and patterns, and psychology is the base of marketing because it kick starts the feeling centers of our brains (Amygdala) which tampers with the frontal lobes that are in charge of reasoning and decision making. First, the psychology of color. Studies show that blue is the most attractive color because it makes us feel calm, and productive- now think of all the brands that are blue; Oreos, Culvers, Pillsbury, Pop Tarts, Pepsi, etc. You are more likely to buy a product if it is blue, rather than red, since red according to studies is the least attractive color (maybe that’s why everyone hates Valentine’s Day). Color is used to both make us feel a certain way, but also to catch our attention, and make the executive decision making parts of our brains temporarily turn into the reasoning of a two year old’s.

Second, loss aversion and the scarcity mindset. Psychology says that you are more likely to buy something if you think you’re going to lose it, or never get it again. This is why seasonal products like pumpkin spice make us impulse buy nasty pumpkin spice things that should not be pumpkin spice in the first place. This is also why “on sale” signs work so well even though it’s discounted 2 cents. Humans don’t want to miss out on a good deal, even if we are spending more money just to get the stale pretzels on sale. Next time you go to Target, pay attention to the colors and notice how there’s not much black, white, or brown. Notice what items are placed on end caps and what they are (seasonal, new, or clearance, typically), and actually look at the on sale sign and evaluate if those giant tub of cheese balls that are 50 cents off will make you feel more fulfilled in life.

4. Psychology prevents road rage

Don’t laugh, but there are psychologists out there with a career solely dedicated to traffic. Before you think traffic psychology is a weird career, it is a rising career track, and how great would it be to just people watch to see what people do in their cars when they think no one is looking? Traffic psychologists evaluate driver behavior and whether it’s planned, impulsive, or habitual. Based on this, they help to determine where road signs should be placed based on where the optimal attention point will be, what the signs should say, predict road rage based on how frustrating certain intersections will be, and evaluate traffic patterns. A huge reason that traffic happens in the first place is because human curiosity is too powerful, and we need to be nosy and look at that person who got pulled over by a cop to see what they look like, of course. Traffic psychologists study why this is and how to resolve it.

Traffic psychologists help to ease any commotion, and try to eliminate negative behaviors by setting up construction sites a certain way or putting directional detour signs in the perfect spot to eliminate confusion. What goes on road signs is just as important because that is how you get people to obey them. This is where color, word placement, word size etc, is important. You’re more likely to actually read a road sign if it has a snarky/sarcastic saying than if it is your everyday “slow down” sign. Many places are seeing these new electric signs that are doing just that, and that is the kind of thing that people remember. I don’t know about you, but the one sign that read “slow down, moron” worked a lot better on me than a regular slow down sign.

5. Psychology belongs in business

This one may not be a huge surprise, but even though it’s already known that psychology exists here, people don’t actually use it to their advantage. Psychology can do some powerful things in Change Management, Employee Retention, User Experience, Business Analyzation, Recruiting, and Human Resources. This is what I have dedicated my career to, and have been trying to sneak into my daily work whether that be wording an email in a certain way to help someone be more comfortable with change, sneaking in jokes at the bottom of my meeting recap emails so people actually read them, recognizing what category someone falls in for the DISC assessment and using the communication style they respond most positively to, or working on new initiatives to make employees feel like they can be their authentic selves in the workplace.

Psychology goes all the way to the beginning: recruiting. Building a killer company starts with finding the best talent, and you get people at their best when they aren’t nervous, and can be themselves. Every time I have had to interview someone, or have been interviewed, I don’t hesitate to crack a joke or have an actual conversation with the person because that is really how it should be. Believe it or not, recruiters actually like to hear how you’re doing when they ask you instead of “good” all the time! While this is a known fact that it’s better to tailor interviews to make people feel more at ease, companies still keep interviews pretty routine and static. Fear may be a great tactic to scare people into getting things done or to see how they do under pressure, but that is the worst idea ever if you’re trying to get people to stay long term and actually want to work. I could make this a huge paragraph and explain why a good company needs an executive leadership team that uses psychology to make their employees feel safe, seen, and valued…but it seems self explanatory, right? You’d be surprised how many companies are lacking this. Psychology is still seen as a luxury rather than a necessity in the business world, and in my totally biased but actually factual opinion, putting psychology into how a company manages change, making employees feel like they matter, and having good leadership is where companies should be focusing more of their time instead of more razzle dazzle benefits or a couple more hundred dollars in a bonus.

6. Psychology predicts if not eating marshmallows leads to better money managing

Psychology is important when it comes to how you manage your money. Those who invest and see the benefit of saving their money rather than buying that new car or stupidly expensive purse probably also would have passed the famous instant gratification test done in 1972 by Stanford. This measured how well children could delay the immediate gratification of eating 1 marshmallow to receive greater rewards in the future aka 2-3 marshmallows. The longer they waited, the more marshmallows they got. This ability at a young age predicts success later in life by having the ability to be patient rather than need to feel satisfied right away.

The way you spend your money can also tell others a lot about you. Those who buy extravagant things for others or for themselves may be trying to boost low self-esteem, and money is their way of gaining status or trying to get others to like them. Money can actually buy happiness for some if they believe negatively about most aspects in their life, and their wealth is part of their identity. Additionally, extroverts are more likely to take risks with their money than introverts when it comes to investing, but also as we know, money can make people do some crazy things like doing weird jobs for a couple bucks or staying with a job you despise just for the salary. While money is just a piece of paper, it is the psychology around it that makes it come alive.

7. Psychology connects ice cream sales and homicides

Meteorologists can provide forecasts for so much more than weather if they’d tap into the psychology of weather. There is a lot of research out there saying that ice cream sales and homicides are positively correlated on hot day. The glue that binds this innocent topic to this not so innocent act is the weather. Studies show people are more likely to lose their temper when it is a hot day. In this case, ice cream shops should see a 90 degree day, and know to not give a beefy sweaty customer butter pecan when they asked for unicorn swirl because that may end more badly than if it were a chill sunny and 75. Think about it, when you’re sweating when you’re not actually trying to sweat, or trying to do something but starting to get hot, don’t you feel flustered? This goes for other moods too. Vitamin D is no happy pill, and the sun is not the reason we are happy on sunny days. It is the sunny day itself that is making us happy, calm, and content with the world. When people feel like this, there will be less homicides and more acts of kindness.

On the converse, gloomy/rainy days also have an effect on us. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a very real thing (in psychology, affect means mood). Studies show that our moods lower on doom and gloom days, so when we go from sunny summer to dull fall with less hours of light, it is no wonder that there are more cases of depression and low motivation. But, some people may thrive on depressing looking days, and I am one of those people. While studies show that gray days lowers moods, it also shows that it increases deep thinking and improves memory. I love a good, gross looking day, it is prime blogging weather. The darkness of the sky comforts me and makes me feel secure and safe inside in order to get everything I needed done without feeling guilty for being inside on a sunny day. Weather and fear of missing out can be tied together for some people. Other weather psychology phenomenons are the tie between those who live in natural disaster prone areas and mental health problems, low pressure days and suicide, and how strong the wind blows leading to road rage. Why only predict the weather when you can predict when your best chance is to remember all your test answers, too?

8. Psychology can help you flip on a wood plank

Sports psychology has been a love of mine since middle school because I have seen the fascinating effects that it produces. If I were not in business, I would be on my way to being Dr. Lauren Casey, sports psychologist. Psychology is hard to believe because you cannot see it, but really, sports are a great way to show that psychology actually does work. Sports psych helps athletes get out of their heads, hone into positive energy, visualize performance, and helps to solve any issues going on outside of the sport that may be transferring to the court. You become what you believe; so if you think that you have the worst fast ball, are going to miss your free throws, your crush came to watch you play and you’re going to mess up, or have the worlds worst goalie skills, your brain will start to make your body follow that.

Back in 6th grade, I had a mental block trying to learn to do my backhandspring on the high beam. No matter how many times I told myself to go, my body would not move (my brain doing its job and keeping me safe by refusing to do a flip on a wood plank? How terrible!) I would get a cold shock through my brain if I was about to chuck the skill which made me even more freaked out. It was like there was a brick wall behind me not allowing myself to flip, but really my mind was in the way creating a wall of fear with all the bad outcomes that I pictured in my head. My coach brought in a sports psychologist for the team that week and we did an exercise where we visualized ourselves doing the one thing we were scared of perfectly over and over. After that, I walked over to beam and threw that backhandspring with no hesitation. Athletes tend to only picture the bad outcome, but when we focus on the good, and believe we can reach new heights, that’s when we get GOAT athletes!

9. Psychology is a sleeping pill

Sleeping is a time for our bodies to finally chill out and recover after a long day, but nowadays, I am starting to hear of more sleeping problems as if sleeping is a chore. There really is a pill for everything, but sleep is something that can be fixed without a pill. The psychology of sleep is truly fascinating because our subconscious mind is just as active as our conscious mind when we give it the chance. Sleeping conditions can be a reason that you aren’t sleeping well; maybe the door open freaks you out more than you think, you’re almost asleep and then you remember your leg is hanging off the bed for the monster under the bed to get (I can’t be the only one, still), or maybe your room is too hot causing you to have some wacky dreams. Sleep psychology gets down to the bottom of why you wake up during a certain sleep cycle, helps to calm the anxieties in your head that yell at you at night, and can even help with sleep breathing disorders by working to get the parasympathetic nervous system to kick in. Next time you have a hard time falling asleep, keep in mind that the reason behind it is often psychological and you just need to listen to your mind or your body to figure out what is wrong.

10. Psychology allows you to change others’ behavior

Growing up, we were taught to never play with people’s emotions….but there was never anything said about playing with people’s behavior! The psychology of gamification can be applicable and helpful to pretty much every area of life- but especially the work world, or parenting. It can be hard to get people to do what you want if you simply ask them sometimes, but once that same thing is turned into a contest or a game, it magically gets done very quickly. Kids will respond much better to doing chores if there is a point system or a prize at the end. Employees will pass phishing tests more frequently if there’s a contest for who can pass the most tests. Why do you think snapchat is doing so well? Because of the streak concept, and the need to keep up with the task in order to not lose the “game.” Additionally, it can even work on yourself! New Years Resolutions are the most open ended initiative ever, but if your goals were turned into a game or contest, you’d be a lot more motivated to complete them. Many people struggle to work out more, eat better, etc…but that’s because motivation and willpower isn’t enough. The key to success is making everything a competition because humans are naturally wired to want to win! We all have experienced the race to finish a task before the microwave buzzer goes off, don’t deny it.


I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of you already knew of these, but you probably forgot just how much psychology affects you in day to day life. I challenge you to pay attention to the decisions you make at the grocery store, the thoughts you have while driving, the actions you take when it is rainy out, and how you respond to things and others at work this week. You will be fascinated at how it all ties together!

Happy September, friends!

Lauren

The Most Memorable Lessons from Every Year of Life

Each year my birthday rolls around, I like to look back and see all the new milestones and misfortunes I’ve encountered in previous years. This year is the iconic “golden birthday” for me, which gives me a reason to make a big deal out of turning a random age of 23. Psychology says that you remember significant moments the best because of how feelings associate with memory stores. While I don’t remember much before the age of 4; there are a few recollections I randomly have that I don’t understand the significance of at all. It’s interesting to look back at each year of your life and try to figure out why the moment that stood out the most did, because for a lot of mine, there definitely were a lot more important things going on in my life at the same time. With that, here’s a look into a memory that stood out from each year of my life (and perhaps a mini child psychology lesson on how the mind and memories change as we get older!)


1. Tantrums in public places are effective

I have always had a little bit of a stubborn side, even back to diapers. My location of choice to be stubborn has not always been the most convenient…for my parents. On this day in particular, shopping was not what I wanted on my agenda so I decided to crawl under a department store display table and started kicking and screaming and flailing my limbs. I wouldn’t let my mom get me out from under the table, it was my fortress, and no pacifier was working that day. I was just not having it with Macy’s new spring inventory I guess. I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish, but if the goal was to get out of there it worked. If the goal was to embarrass my mom, that worked too.

2. Stubby legs are a hazard

It doesn’t seem like a slide would be dangerous, but when you take a two year old wth stubby legs down a curvy carnival slide at the county fair, we learned that’s a problem. My mom put me in her lap to go down the slide, not knowing that when we approached a turn my leg wouldn’t go the same way as hers which resulted in my little leg jamming into the side of the slide. I wasn’t quite at the conversational age yet, but I did manage to repeat “leg” over and over again to confirm my mom’s worst thoughts as she felt my leg do things it wasn’t supposed to.

3. Best friends go to the bathroom together

I don’t quite remember much from being three, except for Anna. Our parents may have been what brought us together, but it was our own doing of being the dynamic duo by being each other’s plus ones to our brothers’ birthday parties, ordering the same thing at restaurants when our families went to Red Robin, making up songs, wearing matching outfits every time we saw each other, and we even hopped on the trend of girls going to the bathroom together at an early age. This is the age that I learned what having a best friend looks like, and to this day, our friendship sets the bar very high and sets my expectations. Over the years, not much has changed except for the fact that her growth spurt started when mine stopped.

4. Gymnastics is not a french toast sticks eating contest

The day I entered TAGS gymnastics will always be one of the most monumental moments to me, which is why I probably remember this. When my mom told me I was going to be starting gymnastics, for some odd reason the “stics” part translated to french toast sticks in my mind. I liked my breakfast foods so I was excited to start this new competitive hobby. When she brought me into the building for the first time, I remember looking around and through the windows at all the mats and colorful obstacles to climb on everywhere. While I did not see any french toast sticks anywhere, I was still overjoyed by what I saw instead. The rest is history.

5. I do know my address, I swear

For those who read my embarrassing stories post that included the time I submitted “how to toast a pop-tart” to my kindergarten cookbook, this memory is a close second for memories that still haunt me from kindergarten. 5 year old Lauren was painfully shy to the point where I did not like to speak to adults on my own, let alone sing. I remember this moment because it was the first time I ever felt regret for not speaking up. We were given the assignment to memorize our address to recite to our teacher. My mom helped me at home to make up a song and I was really good at it! When the time came to recite it to Mrs. Tan, I got nervous and told her I forgot, even though I didn’t. I was too shy to sing my song in front of someone, and I could have spoken it, but I had never practiced it like that before. I was all or nothing back then, too. I took the L on that one, and my mom was not happy when I got home.

6. Small people propel easily

Throwback to Mother’s Day in first grade. It was also my next door neighbors grad party. We were only going to stay 20 minutes, but it only took 5 minutes for me to be propelled out of a tiny hole in the net, which sent me flying through the air onto the ground. My left arm broke the fall, and broke itself. The 5 minute bounce session resulted in 2 pins put in my arm and I remember ending the night sitting in the hospital bed apologizing for ruining Mother’s Day. I got a stuffed pink bunny from the hospital so it was obviously worth it all.

7. I’m not the best pet owner

Back in 2nd grade, we were given the chance to take are of a mealworm as a little pet to watch it grow. We got a few minutes each day to take our mealworm out and set it on a paper plate to see it move around. I on the other hand, had different ideas. I would hang my mealworm off the edge of the paper plate with the reasoning that I was training it to be on bars like I was at gymnastics. My mealworms (yeah my teacher gave me a few tries at it) did not live long.

8. When in doubt, run killers

In 3rd grade, I was no Simone Biles that was born with natural talent. I worked hard to do what some of my other teammates easily completed. I remember clearly being called out in a team huddle one day that I wasn’t good enough and probably wouldn’t make it as a gymnast. That lit the fire in me to use what I did have- my competitiveness, and the ability to push myself. That day, I out ran everyone in killers by a landslide, and finished first in the conditioning contest. That same coach came up to me after conditioning and told me “you surprised me Casey, way to go.” I truly believe this grit mentality that was created in me since then was why I did make it so far in gymnastics.

9. I’m a poet and I didn’t know it

What I remember most about 4th grade, is that it was the year I knew I liked to write. My love for writing did not wait to surface until high school, it started in Mrs. Angermeyr’s 4th grade poetry unit. I don’t know what it was that drew me to it; the freedom she gave us to write about whatever we wanted, or the fact that we got to print it on pretty stationary. That year, our whole class wrote poems to submit to a poetry book to be published. I thought that was so cool, and the fact that my poem was in a book gave me the confidence to keep writing. Who knew a poem called “July” could have been the reason I loved AP Lit, CIS composition, and started my blog!

10. I chose my college major in 5th grade

For those who regularly read my posts, you already know my FND story and that it started at the age of 10. While most of my 5th grade year was filled with a lot of traumatizing memories, my love for psychology stemmed from it. When people ask me how I was so confident declaring my major September of my freshman year at a liberal arts college; I tell them it originates from having to learning neurology since 5th grade (that I ended up learning again in college psych). I liked hearing new theories and new facts, and I think my love for the brain made the fact that I wasn’t living the life as a typical 5th grader a lot easier to handle.

11. Life is better without bangs

By the time I got to 6th grade, I was till mourning the loss of my “signature look.” I soon came to realize that my life greatly improved by growing my bangs out since thick headbands, sparkly butt jeans and Aeropostale shirts was the “in look” to be cool at middle school. It also made life easier when I didn’t have to deal with sweaty bangs back in the day of having gym class smack dab in the middle of the school day, or blowing them out of my face at gymnastics practice.

12. Stress leads to my success

I am sure a lot of important things happened in 7th grade, but at this time in my life, gymnastics was my life. I needed to learn how to do a cast handstand on bars in order to move up to Level 7. I had every other skill, but that one. If there was not a skill I could conquer at practice, I would spend all day at school stressing about practicing drills at home, and visualizing it in bed until I got to practice to try it again. One random Tuesday night, my coach told me it was time to pack up my grips and go home after spending all of the hour bar rotation trying to do it. He insisted I could try it again tomorrow, but I didn’t get off the bar. He stood there with his arms crossed trying to coax me to go home, but I told him I could do it. I somehow casted right to handstand and he looked at me shocked. I moved up to level 7 the following week.

13. There is such thing as too many back bends

In 8th grade, out of fear of learning to do a backwalkover backhandspring for my tumbling series on beam (silly me, scared to do a flip on a wood plank), I settled with a backwalkover-backwalkover which resulted in a stress fracture in my back from so many reps. It landed me in a brace for 3 months that I could only take off to shower, and took me out of more than half of my season only giving me 1 week to learn how to swing 360 degrees around the high bar in order to qualify for state (I did it). That’s what I get for trying to go the easy way out.

14. Representing my region

9th grade was my busiest year. My balancing act between all honors classes in school, and all the time working towards my goal of qualifying for Regionals didn’t leave much time for a social life. When I couldn’t go to my friends, they came to me and cheered me on at my meets. There were many nights spent eating Culver’s cheeseburgers or leftovers from dinner at 9 PM and finishing my homework at midnight because of my daily 4:30-8:30 practices, but I didn’t mind. I learned a new backhandspring-backhandspring tumbling series to avoid literally breaking my back again, and a new bar dismount that no one had competed at state, except me. My hard work paid off and I got to represent Minnesota at regionals in St. Louis that year which was the peak of my club gymnastics career, and my last hurrah which I wasn’t aware of yet.

15. Hockey breezers are great for beam

The most significant moment of my sophomore year was making the decision to stop eating Culvers cheeseburgers at 9 PM. By this, I mean I left club gymnastics to find more balance in my life in high school gymnastics. In the gymnastics world, this is a huge change. But to my surprise, I loved the shift. I was able to spend more time with friends and be more of a typical high schooler, all while still trying to reach my dream of college gymnastics. Competing in the varsity lineup for my high school was so much more rewarding than competing for myself. I’ll never forget the time I used random hockey breezers I found outside the gym one day to conquer my fear of missing both feet while learning a front handspring on beam and breaking the fall with my crotch. I ended up competing the fronthandspring as part of my tumbling series through college.

16. No coughing during floor routines

Most people’s most memorable moment at 16 is getting their drivers license. While that is still significant for me, sections junior year is even more memorable to me. On the morning of sections I woke up sick as a dog. I had myself convinced that I was not going to compete that day, but what kind of captain doesn’t show up to sections? I remember being in the middle of my floor routine trying not to cough, then wondering if I would get a deduction if I did cough. Surely there is a deduction for coughing if there is one for your underwear involuntarily popping out. By the end of the meet I was at a fever of 102 and to this day I still have no clue how I made it through.

17. Go for comfort not fashion

I am pretty basic in the sense that Senior Prom night was my favorite part of senior year. It was the last time to be together before we all parted different directions for college. So with this, I wanted to look stunning for the big night and I wanted it to be memorable. I got brand new black heels that were taller than any pair I have owned because my date was a solid foot taller than me, and they matched my black number of a dress perfectly along with the tan I went to Wisconsin for every week since tanning under 18 is illegal in MN (I was dedicated). The night’s lineup included the dance hosted at International Market Square featuring the Johnny Holm Band, and a party bus for the night. While all of this lived up to my high school musical expectations, the pain from being in the tall heels is what I remember most, and I only lasted an hour in them. I haven’t touched them since.

18. Dreams don’t only come true at Disney

My goal to be a college gymnast began when I was 8, and seeing my name on the Gustavus gymnastics roster freshman year was a moment I will never forget, as well as the feeling as being mildly disappointed that I was second shortest on the team rather than the front runner. A lot happened freshman year, including having to quit gymnastics from injury; but being able to say that I made it, even if it was for a little bit, overpowered it all. I loved the team dinners, high energy meets, brunches at coach’s house, and dressing up as a Taco Bell hot sauce packet (I was short and spicy) for halloween with the rest of the freshmen specifically stands out to be during this time, because why wouldn’t it?

19. Everyone could use sisters

Starting out sophomore year with no gymnastics was really hard on me, but I found a new community to devote myself to and found more time to do other things such as going to France over J-Term. While France was awesome, the biggest highlight this year was being a Tri Sigma because it is when I met my Big, Perry. This sorority filled a lot of voids that I didn’t know needed filling once I had to stop gymnastics, and Perry was my biggest role model all throughout college. The day the sorority knocked on my door and sang loudly in my face to let me know I was a part of the sisterhood was something I didn’t know I needed until that moment.

20. Eggs are in everything

Junior year was not the greatest for me; I lived in an office (only could fit a bed and a small dresser in there), dealt with more health and mental health issues than ever before, and had to cut out gluten, dairy, soy, and egg from my diet to heal gut issues. I really thought that gluten and dairy would be the hardest ones to avoid, but there is egg in literally every food I wanted to eat at the caf except for the salad bar. My nickname that year was “rabbit girl” by the cafeteria ladies. Junior year was kind of a blur for me, but I was pretty great at throwing sorority picnic potlucks despite the fact I couldn’t indulge in any of it.

21. Work perks work

My favorite and most significant memory from senior year was my internship with the VP of HR at Gustavus that landed me my job at Boom lab in October 2019 before Covid kicked me out of school. I was sent on a quest to network with 15 different people at 15 different companies all over the cities. Most of my semester was a big field trip to check out the culture and what kind of company/role I could see myself in. I would not have guessed that Post had a wall of cereal and a cereal and milk bar for their employees, Cantel had a full sized basketball court, QBP encouraged bringing your dogs to work, and Boom Lab had a fridge specifically stocked with all Bubbly to go with their rooftop patio area. Psychology never said that bribing your employees doesn’t work!

22. Any year after 2020 is an improvement

Everything about being 22 was great. There wasn’t one moment that stood out more than the rest (except Covid, finding out I’ve had Lyme for 16 years, and finally having commencement), but rather, who made those moments great.

23. The golden year

While it literally is my golden year, something about this year feels more “golden” than most. I am creating a career path that I love, started up a young adult community at my church, am almost done with my Lyme Disease treatment that will hopefully complete the birthday wish I’ve made since I was 10 that my FND would get better, but most importantly, I discovered Trader Joe’s. I don’t want to speak too soon, but this golden year might just be the year that I overcome all the things I have been enduring and working towards for years….and maybe learn how to cook after saying I would for a year now!


As I was writing this and I started to write about my more recent years, I started to realize a shift and I felt like I was going off topic from the title of this blog. As I tried to reel it in, I realized that I couldn’t because my last few years were filled with a lot of milestones, but it’s more of a collective effort that makes the year memorable, and WHO I was with. Adult Development Psychology says that as we get older, the things we start to remember more have to do with people rather than specific things we did. This is along the same lines as “it’s not about what you did for someone, it’s how you made them feel.” I couldn’t agree more with that statement. I realized that as I’ve gotten older, my focus has broadened more, and I am not thinking about gymnastics (or french toast sticks), being perfect in school, achieving things for my own advantage, or bad events that happened to me like breaking a bone. Now, I’m focused on connecting with my coworkers to make a difference in someone’s day, who I want to spend my time with, and what moments have made me into the best version of myself. I have no clue what this next year holds for me, but as long as it doesn’t involve any more pandemics, ticks, department store tantrums, back bends, or singing my address- I think I am on the right track.

Have a golden rest of July, friends!

Lauren

FND and Me: Functional Neurological Disorder Awareness Day 2021

In honor of Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) Awareness Day approaching quickly on April 13, http://fndhope.org encourages those who live with this disorder to share their experience in preparation for this day! While this is my fourth year sharing my story, this year, I am sharing what it is like for me to live with FND- NOW. So much has happened the last few years, meaning, theories I’ve said in past posts aren’t correct anymore. The cause, and ways I manage it have all changed.

A recap for those who are new: FND is a problem with the nervous system that causes the brain to send incorrect signals to the body. My brain’s “hardware” is structured correctly, but the “software” and the way it communicates with my body is incorrect. FND impacts quality of life similarly to Parkinson’s, Tourette’s, Epilepsy, and stroke- but FND patients often run into the problem of doctors believing symptoms are made up or psychological due to no signs of abnormal brain waves. While I’ve had FND for 12 years now, I was misdiagnosed for 8.5 of those years with a movement disorder on the Tourette’s Syndrome spectrum and was told I would grow out of it. It was very clear after 8 years that was not the case, and it’s been a frustrating journey of trying to find the correct diagnosis which finally landed on FND through process of elimination. Currently, there is still no cure for FND itself because it is a complicated cocktail of neurological, biological, physiological, and psychological factors.

FND symptoms are unique to each person, but for me, it causes violent non-epileptic seizures (spells as I say) on the left side of my body. Spells happen primarily when I sleep happening in cycles through the night, but will happen during the day if I’m sick, sit too long, don’t exercise everyday, look at a screen too long, eat dairy, or am stressed/tired. They present as being in a sudden, uncomfortably stiff/frozen position with unnatural postures, then are followed by rhythmic and rigid jerks, and cycle through this until I distract myself or do physical activity to get it to stop. They started out mild; only in my left arm, but over the years it spread to my leg and neck, and have become more powerful than my own voluntary strength. It’s always been hard and embarrassing for me to explain to others why I have to do things the way I do (most don’t believe I must work out everyday or can’t sit too long until they see the aftermath if I disobey FND), but hopefully this gives more insight into why I have to do things a little differently than most. With that, here’s the latest update on me and FND- and check out my exciting announcement at the end that will be taking place April 13!


Cause: In the lyme-light

I’m so happy to have Lyme Disease. While it sounds like an odd thing to say, I can finally be part of the 30% of those that know the origin of their FND. This is a huge win after thinking I’d be in the 70% of those who go their lives without ever finding out why this happened since I’ve been in a game of hot potato of doctors the last 12 years…me being the potato. I previously shared I went to an alpaca farm in June for a wedding only to become extremely sick with Covid symptoms, but tests were negative. What was not known to me at the time was that I’ve actually had Lyme since I was 6, and something on the farm made it wake up after 16 years to create a horrible month of existence. Lyme was the missing piece of the puzzle all these years that has rid me of feeling like the muse for the song “Wonder” by Natalie Merchant.

2004- easy, breezy, covergirl
  • Mysterious hives/swollen joints at age 6 with no found cause => Given steroids that cleared all up => Steroids caused immune system to stop fighting off undiscovered Lyme in initial stages => Lyme became dormantly active
2008- First FND spell
  • 4 years with untreated Lyme => Bacteria reached nervous system => First FND spell at age 10 => Misdiagnosed for 8 years to follow
2017- 5 day sleep study at Mayo Clinic- officially diagnosed with FND
  • No treatment worked from any doctor/Mayo clinic => Spells worsened over the course of 12 years
2020- Post alpaca farm
  • Went to alpaca farm => Red spot appeared on arm => All tests indicated no illness after being sick for a month => Lyme antibodies test as a last resort => Results showed 2 strains of Lyme all these years => Series of events match up with FND milestones and Lyme effects explain FND symptoms:
    • FND gets worse when sick because immune systems can’t multitask well, and mine has been trying to constantly fight Lyme for 16 years. When another sickness gets added on top it becomes too much for my nervous system.
    • Sunburn, sleep deprivation, hormones, dairy, etc. create more stress on my Lyme infested nervous system, causing worsened spells.
    • Not exercising daily creates a build up of toxins from no detoxification through sweating so spells worsen from stress on nervous system. Also my main method of stress relief. Any and all stress on body/mind = bad for nervous system!

There is not one thing that my Lyme Disease does not explain about my FND. I spent years praying for answers, and never would’ve thought my answers would be through a quest to puzzle a path back to my childhood! God works in mysterious ways…if it were not for COVID, the wedding would not have been moved, which means I probably never would have discovered my Lyme either. Thank God and alpacas!

Treatment: Kill everything except people

Now that I know my cause of FND, I can treat the Lyme. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean FND will be flushed out of my nervous system, too. 16 years is a Grand Canyon amount of time for neural pathways to deepen, and Lyme caused my body to pass an internal stress threshold that triggered my FND (epigenetics jazz). Its like trying to get crumpled up paper back to its orginal state; Lyme treatment will hopefully improve my FND symptoms, but it won’t be back to my pre FND life.

Treatment looks a lot different than past attempts; I’m no longer using a techy headband listening to indian flute music for Neurofeedback therapy to train my brain waves. I’m not making old guys at Walgreens look at me weird for buying out all the pill boxes to sort my 84 supplement pills I took a day. I have not had to wear any patriotic looking electrode swim caps to map my brain. My dad isn’t delivering anti seizure medication during basketball and gymnastics practices that made me a shell of myself. I’m not on Parkinson’s medication that caused hallucinations anymore, have not had lasers shot into my head lately, and haven’t slept with sandpaper for a while. I haven’t been to the Mayo clinic in a while to give 14+ tubes of blood for testing. There’s been no peanut butter and banana brought to my bedside at 3 AM since protein apparently fixes all things, and I have not been hooked up to an epilepsy ceiling belt to go to the bathroom in the recent past.

Now, I’m on a holistic treatment called “Cowden Protocol” that was made for those with chronic Lyme. A lot are skeptical about supplemental treatment, me included, but the science has been done and targets parts that antibiotics don’t. The selected supplements are proven to flush all bacteria/spirochetes out in full which lands them a spot on the KEEP (kill everything except people) list as Dr. Cowden calls it. This has been around for 37 years and is effective for those who can actually bare to do it….let me explain:

The protocol consists of taking 14 liquid and capsule supplements four times a day for 9-12+ months. For each dose, an app on my phone tells me the mixture needed and how many drops of each. Here’s the kicker: in order for the program to work; I must take doses 30 minutes before I eat, exercise daily to detoxify tissues, cut out sugar, and the hardest one? Drink 3 Liters of water daily by taking 3-4 oz sips every 30 minutes all day long. While this doesn’t seem like a hard task; I plan out my days around drinking water and “nature’s call” so I don’t repeat my race car driver experience of finding a gas station while running errands, or seriously considering popping a squat in a backyard. The phone app sends “water pouring” sound reminders every 30 minutes, and can make things weird when it comes across my speaker on work calls (it sounds like I’m using the bathroom-found that out the hard way). Is it working? Yes. How do I know? By weird effects happening indicating the Lyme is leaving me such as random full body hives, brain fog, and swollen joints. My life is never a dull moment I can assure you.

Lyme begone

Exercise: Cardio isn’t as hardio

As mentioned, Cowden Program requires working up a sweat everyday, but even then, those who have followed me on my journey know my FND will flare up if I don’t work out everyday. This is one of the weird quirks that I’ve wished would go away so I wouldn’t have to worry about exercising on vacations, days where I don’t have time to, or am sick. Unfortunately, the fact that exercise keeps my FND from happening has not changed…. but, it has improved! Now, I can exercise at night if that’s when my schedule allows, rather than needing to in the morning since in the past I would flare up if I didn’t work out every morning. Additionally, in the past I would need at least 1.5-2 hours of cardio to keep my FND at bay. Now, I am down to 1 hour of cardio to keep it at bay. Exercise is obviously a great habit to have, but having to be dependent on it like I have for years sucks the joy out of it. Now, I am starting to enjoy it more, as I can spend more time doing exercise activities I actually like versus strictly running or elliptical for an insane amount of time.

Diet: Goodbye rabbit girl

I wrote in a past post that my nickname in college became “rabbit girl” by the cafeteria ladies after having to go gluten, dairy, soy, sugar, and egg free. My plate would be piled high with “rabbit food” since the only thing I could eat in the cafeteria (my apartment didn’t have a kitchen) was the salad bar. Everything is cooked in soy or egg these days! This was enforced back then to heal a Candida gut infection (not to brag, but my doc said I had the worst gut they had ever seen), another result of Lyme not allowing my immune system to fight infection…which in return worsened my FND because the gut and brain are so connected by the blood-brain barrier.

Now, I am down to dairy free and minimal gluten. Cowden also calls for a temporary limited sugar and simple carbohydrate intake because spirochetes like to feed off cookies as much as I do. I most likely never will be able to fully indulge in dairy like I used to as a mac n cheese, cheesy pizza, grilled cheese, ice cream loving kid since dairy is inflammatory to the brain..but I have found some stellar dairy free alternatives now that veganism is becoming a trend!

Sleep: dreams aren’t very sweet

Overnight sleep study to try to capture why it happens while I sleep.

Sleep has been and remains as my biggest hurdle since my spells have always occurred at night. But since Lyme treatment started, the bacteria coming out of me causes my spells to become a lot more severe because my body doesn’t like change, even if it’s good change. I’ve started having unconscious spells during the night- which in turn makes me scared to sleep because I can feel the seizure coming but can’t stop it- different from the warm sensation I usually get before a FND spell. I become numb and cold on my left side before extreme pressure builds in my head, my vision blacks out, ears ring, and I feel like I’m spinning/falling before my hearing shuts off and everything suddenly stops (I don’t know if feeling unconsciousness is a thing but I know for a few seconds that I’m unconscious). The first few times this happened, I thought I dreamt it because I couldn’t remember any of it and woke up perfectly fine a few hours later. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes, especially once I was informed of what happens while I’m unconscious. Most people look forward to go to sleep, but for the last few months, I do everything I can to prevent myself from sleeping out of fear that I will black out and I won’t become conscious again while alone in my apartment. This is the first time in my life I have become unconscious from my FND, and the first time I’ve felt truly terrified of what this disorder can do.

Stress and sleep deprivation are so bad for FND and Lyme, but I am ironically in a nasty cycle of not getting sleep, and stressing over being scared to sleep which releases large amounts of Cortisol that makes my nervous system even more stressed. Recently, my doc put me on a real life chill pill (Melatonin) to balance out my cortisol levels so my body can stop thinking it’s in a civil war with itself. Thankfully it has given me some relief and I am joyfully back to dreaming about my teeth being pulled out and dancing green beans!

Work: Making invisible visible

A big fear upon graduating was how my FND would react to sitting at a desk all day since my nervous system has made clear at previous internships it doesn’t like desk jobs. As much as I wish I could actually say I’ve been to my office since my final interview, working from home has been great for me! I’m able to get up for a quick elliptical session or crank out some push ups in between meetings if I feel a spell coming. I’ve never discounted myself or my abilities as an employee because of my FND, and I proved that to be true this year, as I received my first promotion, and I now am in a new role! I am rolling off my project at Allianz and will be working on 2 HR related projects at Cargill.

Along with this new assignment, I also was selected to be on a new Diversity, Equity & Inclusion task force for my company, and serve on the recruitment enablement committee. I am acting as a voice for those with invisible illnesses in the work force (and a psychology nerd) by sharing my own experience/psychology ideas in order to create an environment that feels safe, and ends stigma for those who have conditions like mine, or other circumstances that have an unconscious bias tacked to them. Great talent can be missed simply because working conditions aren’t flexible for those with invisible illnesses, recruiters are overlooking places or categories of people, or the culture doesn’t feel comfortable! It feels amazing seeing my ideas implemented, and being in a role I am so passionate about; such as educating recruiters on their own biases, and making invisible illnesses a focus along with the other categories such as gender, ethnicity, veteran status, and race. I can confidently say that work doesn’t feel like a job, but rather a vocation.

Living situation: My own homie in my homey home

I moved this month! And I have new roommates: me, myself, and I! All throughout college, I had living situations that weren’t the right fit for me or my health (throwback to living in an office cube junior year). A big part of my FND staying stirred has been not being able to fully relax in my own space and feel “at home.” I always felt like I was walking on eggshells to make sure I made my roommates happy, or hide my FND. Post graduation, I moved to a two bedroom apartment tower with a roomie, and while all was well for a while, I still felt like I was in a dorm/hotel, and didn’t feel I had my own space to relax mentally and just “be.”

I now am in a one bedroom 30 seconds down the street that is perfect for me! There’s this thing that says people adopt dogs that “look” like them, well, I adopted an apartment that looks like me. It is tucked away with a nature trails backing up to it, and feels like a home rather than a place to live. I enjoy being on my own schedule, having my own space to decorate, and not riding an elevator up to the 6th floor anymore!

Relationships: Law of attraction

Psychology says that you attract what you focus on and the energy you give off. Once I graduated from college, I committed to focusing on being positive, healthy, and finding fresh relationships. Upon doing this, it quickly revealed to me which individuals in college were with me for the long haul. My friendships have improved so much since getting out of college and starting fresh has been so good for me. After instances of being called the “R word” in class in front of everyone, being used for my skills, a curiosity case, or being treated wrongly by those who don’t understand; it’s been a breath of fresh air finding new friends through church and mutual friends. I now don’t feel ashamed for sharing about FND with others because I surround myself with the right folks and energy.

Mental health: Blame game

I always said I was fine having a causeless and cureless condition because there were much worse things in the world…but that wasn’t all true. Denial and convincing myself that I was fine was easier than facing the fact that I was missing out on things that I loved doing growing up; traveling, last minute day trips, or sleepovers are a few to name. Every time I had an embarrassing spell in public, and the stares that followed- I told myself that it didn’t bother me…but it did. I’ve always been an independent person; and having to ask for help for easy things has been something I am still trying to learn how to do without feeling weak or down on myself. I remember one time in particular I needed help walking, and I felt so ashamed and stripped of my dignity because it’s just not normal seeing a dad help his 18 year old walk through a mall on vacation.

Having a chronic condition that impacts the simple things in life that others can easily do can really take a hit on the psychie, especially when others can’t relate and get frustrated even if I try to explain why things like staying overnight somewhere is difficult for me. I’ve learned it’s hard for others to put themselves in my shoes because we are made to be in control of our bodies, not have parts of our bodies be in control of us based on certain decisions made. While my parents have seen my deepest struggles, and know the condition in and out, they still won’t ever know how it feels and the hesitation that comes with every decision I make, and that can be super hard sometimes not having anyone that I know be able to relate to me in that sense! I still struggle with feeling bad and like a burden at times because those who are with me may have to compromise to help me manage my condition, but often times still don’t understand why I need things a certain way because explaining FND to someone feels like I’m speaking spanish to someone who only knows swahili. Stuffing all my emotions over the years trying to look/feel “normal” led to even more mental health problems and manifested in other ways such as OCD/perfectionistic tendencies, and disordered eating, to feel in control since I didn’t have control over my own limbs.

But now, finally having something to blame and having real, tangible explanations for everything that has happened to me feels so dang good and is a weight lifted off me! All the memorable spells I’ve had over the years I can blame on Lyme, rather than having no explanation as to why things happened and just having to stuff it then move on. It’s a lot easier for me to explain to others that what happens to me comes from Lyme Disease, rather than FND, because Lyme is more familiar to others. I can take more risks now because I know what will trigger Lyme, rather than not participating at all from not knowing what would or would not affect FND. Because of this, I have been able to make up for what I lost in college; having my first alcoholic beverage with my friends, eating birthday cake, celebrating good news, traveling more, and blaming Lyme for any flare ups from doing all the things I haven’t been able to do. While we learn to try not to blame others/things for our actions, I am putting full blame on Lyme Disease and that minuscule tick that made the mistake of biting me 16 years ago.

Awareness: Lighting up FND

If you would’ve told me years ago that I would be the reason the state of Minnesota is lighting up the Minneapolis Lowry Ave Bridge for FND, I would’ve looked at you like you had 5 eyeballs. My awareness initiatives started off so small years ago.

Sharing my story for the first time with the world (aka Facebook) four years ago was one of the most liberating things I have ever done. That year, I teamed up with the FND Hope organization for a fundraiser in which my sorority and a few friends and family contributed to. The positive feedback and interest I received back fueled the fire for me to keep sharing my story to educate the world about one of the most unknown conditions out there – even Mayo isn’t up to speed on it yet. To this day, I have a hard time speaking about my story (writing allows me to hide behind my screen here), but I felt called to speak at a college org campus event about my FND story and how it has grown my faith. That talk led to others approaching me with their struggles and allowing me to show them how to navigate their journeys with grace and strength like I have mine. This made me want to share even more so I could continue to help others who have experienced a chronic illness, adversity, diversity, and discrimination like I have. I started sharing my treatment experiences on social media and frequently work with FND Hope to promote FND awareness and support others who have not found correct treatment yet by sharing my theories tried. Finally, as mentioned, my efforts led to getting the state of Minnesota to light up the Minneapolis Lowry Avenue Bridge orange and blue on April 13th for FND awareness day as part of a global initiative to light up landmarks around the world.


I could easily hide my condition and avoid the stigma that comes with it, but I did that for 8 years, and that was 8 years I could have been showing others that while this condition has taken a lot from me, it has also been the origin of so many good things and some of the most fulfilling work I’ve done. I know that I’m small compared to the rest of the world, but seeing what I can make happen, and how far the FND initiative has come, gives me real hope for the future of me and FND. Thank you to everyone who has supported me over the years; the kind words, hospital visits, cards, compliments that I look great with electrodes glued to my head, patience, help, understanding, and endless encouragement to finally get me where I am today!

Join me in recognizing FND Awareness Day in less than a month now on April 13- and this year, it is a happy one, indeed!

~Lauren

Christmas: Then and Now

Let me set the tone right off the bat here: this post has absolutely nothing to do with Covid because I would like to keep Christmas untouched by it on this blog even though in reality, Covid has invaded Christmas’ personal space entirely. Instead, this post has everything to do with holiday norms and traditions when we were youngins versus the adult versions now because I have come to learn over the years that it slowly drifts away from what it used to be without even realizing it. This isn’t to say it is totally a bad thing…it’s just different. Most of you can probably relate to some of these things I’m about to share, but if not, think about your then versus now. I hope this brings you some laughter and a solid five minutes without thinking about the disease that shall not be named.


Making Christmas Cookies

Then:

Back in the good old days of Barbies and cartwheels; my mom, Christopher, and I dedicated one night to turn the kitchen into a mess of dough, flour, and sprinkles. My mom would make the dough, while my brother and I suited up in our aprons with our mini rolling pins and cookie cutters at the counter ready to fill the special Christmas cookie jar with cookies from our family’s secret sugar cookie recipe. While Christopher was pretty tidy and good at his job, I on the other hand, got flour everywhere it shouldn’t be, ate probably way too much dough, made blue trees, yellow mistletoes, and angels that were too thin and burned alive in the oven. I loved the quality time with my mom and my brother and was so proud of my ugly looking cookies. I protected them so no one else could eat them but me. The best part about it back then, was that my definition of making cookies was doing nothing except the decorating.

Now:

I wasn’t even sure if I was going to make cookies this year because I realized the ingredients, sprinkles, and cookie cutters still lived at my parent’s house and I would actually have to make the dough myself rather than have it magically appear before me like it used to. I convinced myself to follow through with my mission and made it happen by roping Jeff into helping me, and going grocery shopping at Casa de Casey for the ingredients-where everything is free. While pulling the cookies out of the oven definitely was a lot more anti climactic and less magical than it used to be, it was still a lot of fun sharing one of my favorite childhood experiences with Jeff, and proving to myself that I can make something edible. As much as I hate to say it, the dazzle of this experience has dimmed since I’ve gotten older, and I now make my Christmas trees green rather than blue which is the true indicator that I have reached adulthood.

Christmas Eve

Then:

As a kid I loved Christmas Eve, and honestly, probably more than Christmas. The anticipation of all that was to come was one of the best feelings. I was giddy knowing Santa was coming that night, imagining waking up to all the amazing gifts I would get, seeing half eaten carrots as proof that Rudolph was actually in my house, and knowing we were leaving for Kentucky to see all my family- it made me too excited to sleep. Because of that, I would make myself stay up super late (11 was midnight to me back then), and I would try to catch Santa in the act by sneaking around the house without my parents seeing me, which I never found out if they knew I did that or not. The naivety of it all back then made being a kid so much fun. My biggest concerns were if I would get all the gymnastics equipment or sparkly new leotards that I wanted. Somewhere along the way, the grinch must have bitten me or something because that giddy feeling of anticipation slowly started to fade.

Now:

Now that I am officially an adult, I gotta say, I am a little confused on how everything is supposed to play out. There is no Santa rulebook that declares what age or stage of life you should stop correcting your kids that Santa got it and not the parents when they call it out. It definitely will have a different feel this year since Christmas Break isn’t a thing in the work world, and I won’t be with the Sparrow side of the family because of it. I feel everything from my childhood is starting to become permanently a memory rather than a reality as deep and sad as that sounds. I mean, I definitely could lay out the carrots at my apartment, but I am pretty sure they won’t eat themselves now that I know Rudolph never did make it into my house. I could stay up late trying to watch for Santa out my window, but the only thing I would find is the sunrise the next morning and no Santa. I could lay my shoes out by the front door for Saint Nick to fill up but I’d still have a chocolate-less empty shoe, but rather, a full reminder to work out. You get it, at some point, special days that we had as kids become regular days as an adult, and for that, I whole heartedly wish I could zap myself into Little Lauren again who was excited over half eaten carrots. But hey, at least I still have the Disney Princess tree to blast me to the past.

The Christmas List:

Then

Oh the joy of the Toys R Us , GK, and Target catalogs. I would spend so much time flipping through the pages with a pen and circling everything I wanted as well as putting a bunch of stars around what I REALLY wanted. My list back then was filled with anything and everything from American Girl, gadgets I’d see in commercials between my episodes of “Spongebob,” or crafts which ended up on the shelf (and still are there). It later turned into gymnastics equipment to fulfill my dream of a home gym, and ITunes gift cards for the days I used to spend hours downloading songs to my brand new Ipod nano. Clothes were no where to be found on my list unless they had “gymnast” on it. I hated getting clothes back then, specifically “church clothes” that I had to pose with every time I opened them, or anything fancy that was farthest away from a leotard. I didn’t care how expensive or ridiculous my asks were, even the 9 ft tall uneven bar set that I figured we’d just put it in the basement with an 8 ft tall ceiling and call it good.

Now:

Now that I am paying for my rent, groceries, car, gas, and all the other things I wish I didn’t have to pay for; my list has changed. If it was socially acceptable to put my grocery list, a few months of car payments, or a month of rent on my Christmas List, I would, and I am not kidding. I’d be overjoyed if I unwrapped a brand new bottle of laundry detergent and toilet paper, or pulled out of my stocking a giant roll of trash bags or shampoo, because that stuff is expensive! I’ve reached the age where clothes are the most exciting thing on my list, followed by kitchen cookware, bed sheets, replacements for things that broke, and car mats. Since starting my job and living on my own, I have learned that every dollar truly counts, and I now see holidays as chances to get what I want rather than need because my salary goes to all the things I need rather than want…except at Target. I miss the days where I was too embarrassed to unwrap a bra, fancy underwear, or pull razors out of my stocking in front of my family and they’d all go “ohhhhh Lauren what’s that for?” as my face turned the color of Rudolph’s nose.

Christmas Dinner

Then:

One of my favorite things about Christmas was all the good food I got to scoop onto my plate that my Gram made and ultimately did not eat because my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Back then; I didn’t know what food allergies were or that I had them, calories were not in my vocabulary, and Instagram was not a thing which meant diet culture was not all up in my face 24/7. Christmas dinner at Gram’s is quite a sight to see for all those who aren’t accustomed to it – it is like Thanksgiving on steroids. This was the one time a year I got to eat all my favorite southern dishes such as broccoli casserole, Gram’s homemade mac and cheese, sweet potato casserole, banana croquettes, “cranberry fluff”, pineapple pretzel salad, her fluffy mashed potatoes with a pool of butter, cornbread dressing, and of course there was turkey and country ham but I didn’t like those because they weren’t carbs. If you thought that was a lot, dessert was so overwhelming and I never knew where to start! Rum cake, chess pie, Japanese fruit pie, carrot cake, peanut butter fudge, Gram’s christmas cookies, chocolate cherries, white chocolate pretzels, five versions of cookies and donuts from the famous Burkes Bakery, and boiled custard all made an appearance. I miss the days where I ate everything I wanted, and as much as I wanted, with no worries at all about how I’d feel, both physically and emotionally the next day. I also miss the days of getting my own gingerbread man to bite the head off of.

Now:

Everything I have listed above has not changed. The Christmas dinner table still is full from edge to edge with all my favorites, but now, my body has decided to reject dairy which eliminates all my favorites except the country ham and turkey which I never touched back then. That right there is karma. On top of that, it’s hard to ignore all the social media posts about new years resolution weight loss, calories in your Christmas dinner meal, making healthier versions of everything, and all the other hooey that Instagram and Facebook nail into our minds. It causes us to look at things subjectively rather than objectively- one meal will not make you gain 10 lbs like we all think, people! Yeah, it’s important to watch how much you eat in a meal, but more for the reason of not upchucking while opening gifts after dinner, not because calories are the devil. It’s been a battle the past couple years learning to enjoy the moment and not stress over food due to calorie counting and my dairy dilemma, but I have gotten used to my new “now” and have found other ways to enjoy myself like wearing questionable sweaters. I definitely will miss even the sight of the Christmas table spread this year since I will be stuck in MN, but I know my mom will snapchat me some broccoli casserole- same thing, right?…

Christopher and Lauren’s Button Factory

Then:

For those of you who have not seen or received buttons over the years, they are a grid pretzel with a melted Hershey Hug topped with a holiday M&M. They really should come with a warning label because they are highly addictive. Back in the day, my parents would take one night a year to get Christopher and I all set up to make buttons so they could escape and go on a Christmas shopping sprint since we kept them too busy on weekends with all day gymnastics meets, basketball tournaments, and math help for those dang word problems about marbles or oranges that made me cry. Christopher and I would make these for hours on hours straight, and never got tired of it. He was head chef, aka, was in charge of handling all things in the oven, and I was his sidekick. We cranked up the Christmas tunes and the hours flew by as I unwrapped hundreds of hershey hugs while standing on my step stool so I could reach the counter. I have always looked up to my brother, and I loved this time with him because I thought he was so cool for knowing how to use the oven. We would give our finished products to all our extended family, friends, and of course, fill our Christmas treat bowl with them so I could eat them before dinner when my mom wasn’t looking.

Now:

The button factory unfortunately lost a partner once we got to the age where we were old enough to be without a babysitter or needed to stay entertained while there was no parental supervision. Instead, I have kept the tradition running all by myself and still have loyal consumers. I gave them to all my friends, and sorority sisters in college, as well as professors and staff at Gustavus because the way to a person’s heart is always chocolate. This year, I made them in my apartment for my family, friends, and Jeff to get him addicted, too. It was nice to have a sliver of normalcy even though everything around me is different, including the fact that this was the first year I made them anywhere other than my childhood home, and burned myself on a different oven than the one I’m used to burning myself on once I got to the age where I could reach it without a step stool. While I still enjoy making them every year, and still probably will for as long as my fingers are able to unwrap that finicky foil, I miss the days where my brother was right there beside me yelling at me to not go near the oven.

Gift Giving

Then:

I think it is pretty obvious that as an elementary school kid, I did not have an income except for the cash I’d get in my holiday cards or the penny I’d find in the Target parking lot. With that, my definition of gift giving was picking out something my mom bought to put my name on and say I got it for them. Half the time, I didn’t even know what I was giving people and was just as surprised as they were when they opened it. Christmas was about receiving and not giving….the closest I ever got to giving a gift was wrapping (badly) to help out. As much as I don’t like admitting it, I bypassed the true meaning of Christmas, and as they say on “The Bachelor”: I was in it for all the wrong reasons- being getting as many presents as possible.

Now:

There’s this thing in psychology called buyers remorse: buying something and once the act is done, instantly regretting it. I experience this every time I get anything for myself, but never when I get something for others. This is not a good thing for my bank account, and I have realized that this year more than ever now that I pay for my own things to help me survive. Even knowing that I was on a budget and didn’t have to go all out for my family, I still chose to buy the perfect gifts rather than make sure I had enough money for groceries this month (whoops). It’s hard to refrain from buying more or nicer things for the people in my life who have already given me so much. I’m now at the point where I would rather give than receive anything at all (unless it’s my groceries, you can buy me toothpaste any time you’d like) because watching the look on my friend’s and family’s face as they receive the gift they didn’t know they needed or wanted is enough satisfaction for me, such as, much needed fashion upgrades, or pjs with my face all over them. Eventually, the goal is that my whole family and friends will be hit with Lauren face socks.

MinneSNOWta

Then:

This isn’t exactly Christmas related, but society has seemed to pair Christmas with snowmen and snowflakes. When I was little, I was a snow bunny. I was out there for hours sledding and launching myself off homemade sketchy and totally unsafe ramps with the neighborhood crew, making elaborate connecting igloo forts, and fancy snow KY wildcats and MN gophers. I’d bring my snowpants to school everyday because our elementary school had a giant hill that we could sled down at recess or body slide down the one part of pure ice. I didn’t care how frostbitten I got (except for the one time my mom found a scream crying Lauren at the back door in the dark because I could’t get my glove back on and my hand was traumatized). As nerdy as it may be, shoveling snow was one of my favorite things to do, and after I got done with our driveway with my mini shovel, I would go do the neighbors’ just for the heck of it. Maybe the key to getting kids to do chores is to make all things miniature, because it would not have been as fun for me if I had to use something other than a “Lauren sized” shovel. By the end of 4+ hours outside; my hair would have icicles on it, my snowpants would be soaked, and every part of my body would be frozen, but it was all worth the hot chocolate with mini marshmallows (See? Mini is better!).

Now:

I now have turned into one of those people that takes in the first snowfall from the comfort of the great indoors; warm cup of coffee in hand, the fireplace going (I don’t have one so I pretend my candle makes up for it), and all the other cozy vibe things that millennials do. I can safely say I have outgrown my purple overall snowpants, and my answer to Frozen’s “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” is a big no. It makes no sense as to why I love Minnesota and don’t want to move anywhere else because I hate being cold. The last time I went sledding was at Gustavus my freshman year on a cafeteria tray down the hill of Old Main. I must admit, I liked the rush I got from trying to dodge the concrete benches on the way down, and it was the same rush I got when I was trying to dodge trees when I was little. While I can definitely live without skiing, tubing and sledding- the one thing that I will sacrifice my warmth for is ice skating, and hopefully Lake Harriet and Centennial freeze over soon!

The Drive

 Then:

This one has always been a love hate relationship. Every year we have made the 13-15 hour (the hours got shorter because we got better at getting our bladders on the same schedule as we got older) trek down south, which is always an adventure in itself. Over the years, we have gotten stuck overnight on the interstate, found out what “homeless week” was for colleges leading to all hotels being booked all the way to MN, I got into the wrong van at the rest stop, have gotten stuck in Chicago traffic, caught stomach flu mid trip, and put Gracie in a beach bag with a bunch of other stuffed animals to sneak her into hotels. The part I enjoyed about the drive years ago was getting to do all the things I never got to do which was text my friends and current crush all day long on my new flip phone, watch movies on my portable DVD player, and pick out my favorite snacks at our favorite gas stations (Yes, we did have our staple gas stations. No, they were not Casey’s). What I disliked about it back then was being stuck with my family for a day – sorry, guys, your talk radio and adult conversations annoyed me – and the fact that I couldn’t do cartwheels whenever I wanted because I was strapped to a seat for longer than my legs wanted to be.

Now:

Everything has seemed to flip. I now love being stuck with my family for a day because that rarely ever happens anymore, and it’s like one giant catch up session that usually leads to a vent sesh, love life gossip, life advice, or reminiscing on the good old days. I love getting to sit there with my butt glued to the seat and do absolutely nothing until my legs go numb rather than feel the need to go do something because nowadays, my body and brain never get to rest as I am on the go all the time. It’s the perfect excuse to have 0 responsibilities (especially since I have never been asked to drive since I got my license 6 years ago…should I be offended?) It actually makes me sad that I won’t be able to go with the rest of my family this year because I like the quality time with them and the FOMO (fear of missing out) is real. On the bright side: Gracie will finally get a seat to put her doggie car seat in this year rather than putting her dog bed in the middle of the seats on a cardboard box!

Christmas with the Caseys

Then:

With half my family in the north, and half in the south, we alternate years for where we will be on Christmas Eve. But before we head on down to Kentucky, we always have a Casey get together. Being the youngest cousin, it always took me a solid hour to “warm up” and get the nerve to go interact with the older cousins, or honestly anyone, without my brother or mom being there to hide behind them. Once I finally did come out of my shell, I’d show them all my new gymnastics tricks (in full Christmas attire, not sure how I made that work). Casey celebrations were my favorite to go to because they never failed to make me laugh, especially during the Yankee Swap. For those who don’t know what a Yankee Swap is; there is a gift bank and each person takes turns trying to roll dice to get doubles. Once you get doubles, you can either pick a gift from the bank, or steal someone else’s. One of the perks from being the youngest, was that no one wanted to steal from me since there seemed to be an unwritten rule that it was illegal to steal from “cute little Lauren.” During this madness, you best believe there was full on family roasting going on, bartering, sarcastic comments, and weird gifts that began to appear in Yankee Swaps years to follow such as the magic head scratcher. While I did not say much during the entire night, I did occasionally like to drop my one liners that made the whole room burst out laughing.

Now:

Thankfully I’ve gotten past the stage of being too shy to say hi to anyone without my mom’s help. Since the days of tumbling in my Christmas dress; more Caseys have been added to the family, all cousins are out of college, and significant others have joined the madness making for an even more eventful Yankee Swap that still lives on. I now get my own stupidly practical gifts to contribute to the pile instead of piggy backing off my parents and ending up with our gift because I liked it for myself. Other than that, things haven’t really changed and when it comes to Caseys, and I’m not sure if it ever will which is comforting in a weird way. Dylan and Sam still sarcastically show their appreciation for the hand soaps they got but don’t want, Uncle Chip still tries to persuade everyone to take the fuzzy socks, and the unwritten rule of “don’t steal from little Lauren” is still alive. I’m excited to bring Jeff to his first Casey yankee swap because the 80th birthday party that included unnecessarily competitive croquet was just a warm up.

Christmas in the South

Then:

As long as I can remember, I have always had a green Christmas. Being in Danville, Kentucky for Christmas was always a non-negotiable no matter what was going on during the year, how much homework I had, if I was sick (one year the stomach flu led to upchucking on the curb at a McDonalds in the rain), or if I had a gymnastics meet coming up and missed a chunk of practices. This was the one time a year where schedules always lined up for everyone since the kiddos of the family were all on break. It was one of my favorite times of the year because I got to see all my family that I rarely see, sit on Grandad’s lap in his favorite chair while he read the paper, scooter or run around the Centre College campus, help Gram make “Big Breakfast” (by help I mean supervise), eat the best donuts in the world from Burke’s Bakery, play home run derby in the yard with my dad an brother only to lose the ball over the fence because the neighbors had a scary dog, wear my new matching “something” with my cousin Fielden, and drive the electric red toy jeep around the cul de sac with a cousin riding shot gun. This is how it went every single year until the whole getting older thing happened.

Now:

I told myself back then that I probably wouldn’t have to worry about things changing until I was “old and 20 something.” Well, that time that I never thought would come, has came, and my seven year old self would now consider me an old lady. This year, I won’t be going to Kentucky because I have this new addition to my life called a job, and unfortunately life insurance does not have a Christmas Break. But even then; things have, and are, still changing around me and will continue to as Grandad has been gone for several years now, family has moved, and my “little cousin” as I’d always say is in college which makes me feel like the old lady my seven year old self believes I am. I also now have someone to kiss at New Years instead of Gracie! This adds to the mix having more than my family to gladly share the holidays with which changes the who, what, and where to celebrate every year. As time goes on, work will probably continue to get even busier, and schedules aligning like they did when we were kids will become even less common. I’ve accepted that it just comes with adulthood as our lives become less intertwined.


Psychology says: we are less stressed, and we succeed, when we anticipate change rather than trying to keep everything the same. This has held true this year more than ever because of you know what, but also the fact that a lot of us are just experiencing normal life changes! As a kid, there was no way I could anticipate the fact I’d start to date some dude from a town I’d never heard of in my life in the middle of a pandemic, or that I would be an IT consultant rather than a sport psychologist and D1 college gymnastics coach like I thought I would be. I find it so weird how things can change right before our eyes and we don’t even realize it until hindsight. My dad told me a few years ago that circumstances would change once jobs and significant others entered the picture, and that it is OK that things will change, and still is OK that not everything works out like it used to. Hearing that has made the transition from childhood to adulthood a lot easier and less stressful with less feelings of guilt. The one thing I am still trying to cope with? The ugly after effects of believing that my dairy issues have magically gone away for a day and fully participating in a dairy loaded Christmas dinner despite the fact that I know that’s probably not the case!

Happy Christmas, y’all, and I sincerely wish everyone in the entire world a happy NEW year! May 2021 bring you more time with friends, family, maskless trips to public places, ample toilet paper supply, less Terrible Tuesdays, fulfilled resolutions, happy hours with coworkers, and whatever the heck normal is supposed to be now!

~Lauren

10 Things to be Thankful for in the Season of Covid

Thanksgiving is a week away all while we are going in reverse with gyms and restaurants closing causing a potential threat to our sanity…what a weird time to try to be thankful, right? Covid makes it feel like Thanksgiving has suddenly disappeared from the calendar, and plans shifting somehow translates to eliminating the historical holiday that has happened since 1621. While plans for some families may not have changed, this is the first time in 22 years that I haven’t celebrated with extended family after coloring the turkey in the paper while watching the Macy’s parade. Even though my traditional family Thanksgiving was canceled (the email chain subject line was titled “Thanksgiving? Not this year.”), that doesn’t mean that all parts have to be demolished; just the part where I get grilled about my love life, job, future plans, avoid the rutabaga, and get stuck at the kids table on the porch. The part that I am keeping and sharing with you all, is probably the most important part, and the part that you probably lose sight of during the year because our brains like to focus on the negatives. With that, here are just 10 of many, perhaps random, things I am thankful for this year: Covid edition.

The official documentation

My job 

I will just go ahead and get the obvious, and least Thanksgiving-ish one, out of the way: I am grateful for making my own money! But, this isn’t the reason why my job is on this list. I am extremely thankful to have been offered a job from Boom Lab in October 2019, because I can’t help but feel the big man above was looking out for me back then, knowing that Covid was going to strike in the prime time of the college grad job search. Because of this, I have been granted the ability to live the life a 20-something should be living; first apartment, first car, working for an innovative company that I love, meeting new people and going to “adulty” happy hours, visiting new places I probably should have seen years ago (I’m not the best Minnesotan), sitting out on my balcony watching the lights of Minneapolis light up the night, date nights, making doctors appointments without my mom doing it for me, getting to enjoy my new sense of freedom, and learning that taxes make me sad.

I feel for those who have been impacted by Covid that may still be searching for a job, and are not at the point in their life they thought they would be at by now. It’s unfair the clock can’t be reversed after all this is done so those who feel they’ve been robbed can go back and experience life how they should be during their early 20s. Everyone deserves to feel, on time, the pride of their first paycheck only to have it replaced by the pain of their first rent payment.

Alpacas

Out of everything I am grateful for this year, this is close to number one. It may seem strange, but this summer, this alpaca changed my life. This is not comparable to when people say their pet has changed their life, I truly mean that a random alpaca in South Dakota actually changed and improved my quality of life till the day I die. It’s a long story, and a bit of a life update, but let me explain (although it would be pretty funny if I just left you hanging here).

If you have been following my blog for a while, you read about my FND story, and the theories and treatments I have tried for 12 years, but everything that worked for others and “should have” worked for me, never did. You also read my “Summer Summary” post and how I had a grand old time with an alpaca at my best friend’s wedding in South Dakota, as well as getting very sick in July but having no clue what it was.

After the wedding, a weird red circle appeared on my arm, but I chalked it up to no big deal along with my mom who received this lovely Snapchat. A few weeks after, I got very sick and was tested for everything you can think of….except Lyme Disease. Once I showed my FND doctor the weird spot on my arm and shared my 2 weeks of symptoms that truly resembled Covid, she proposed a new theory that I have maybe had Lyme for years. The only incident we could think of that could confirm this theory was a rash I got in 2004 with no known cause. Doctors gave me steroids to get rid of the rash back then, but they also got rid of my immune system’s strength to fight the Lyme. She explained the alpaca must have reinfected me which woke up the Lyme that had already been in my body for 16 years and seeped into my nervous system in the mean time. Hint: FND is a problem with the functioning of the nervous system.

For those who have Lyme that is untreated, stage 3 often presents as neurological symptoms that can turn chronic if not treated within a 6 ish month window. I got a very specific tick borne illness test, and found that I did in fact have Lyme since I was 6, which finally explained the rash I had back then that led to this tub toy photoshoot (the rest of the pictures are PG-13, sorry). The body is incredible at fighting off diseases, but when it’s had something for 16 years, it kind of loses motivation to keep trying at full effort once it realizes it’s not improving…kind of like me and golf.

In addition, the immune system and nervous system are terrible at multi-tasking: notice how you can only get one sickness at a time in most cases. My body is like texting and driving- you can’t do both without sending typos and wrong messages, but once you do one thing at a time, things work a lot better, and I’m not accidentally sending to Jeff “I’m almost a tree” instead of “I’m almost there.” This phenomenon is why my FND gets worse whenever I experience sickness or more stress- because my nervous system gets overloaded and sends wrong messages to my brain! Finally, the ultimate puzzle I’ve been trying to put together for 12 years makes a visible, clear, picture. To sum it up: I’m thankful that an alpaca reinfected me so the Lyme I’ve had all these years was finally found, and I may have found the origin to my FND!

All 5 feet of me functions

When paging through my “Gratefulness Journal” that I jot in every morning, this is one of the items that shows up the most because I often stop and remind myself just how much my body does and puts up with. Instead, most focus on trying to change it and what it can’t do anymore. I put my body through 16 years of flinging through the air and smashing into beams, body slamming mats, short landings on ankles, snapped toes, bending in half, holding on for life as I swung 360 degrees around bars 9 feet off the ground, and all this came to a halt once the permanent nerve damage set in…the graceful sport I call gymnastics. I did this all while my body managed to function somewhat normally despite 16 years of undetected Lyme disease and a movement disorder. It’s been hoisted in the air and picked up many times because apparently being small means that’s acceptable to others. Can’t forget the number of weeks I trained on wood floors to be a tumbling Russian Dancer in a professional ballet (long story). Lastly, it put up with years of malnourishment due to dealing with stressors the wrong way, and the unrealistic expectations on social media that humans should be pencils with abs.

This year more than ever, I have appreciated all my body DOES for me, rather than what it looks like, or that it is functionally dysfunctional at times. Now, I remind myself that I am thankful to have two feet that allow me to dance terribly with Jeff (and his aunt). My arms have allowed me to do my handstands all these years to knock every beefy bodybuilder off their high horse at the gym. I have two hands to bake brownies confirmed as “nasty” by my family. I possess a booty that can sit for hours at a time watching mind numbing shows on Netflix. My two legs helped me escape the goose that chased me down the road on a run. I have a stomach that can digest my favorite foods, but, most importantly, my body as a whole keeps me alive!

Coffee mugs

I always say it: it’s the little things, and this is just one of those little things that brings me joy every morning. I started off as a firm believer that I only needed one mug due to being an aspiring minimalist, but once my brother gave me my second one, I started to realize I had an emotional attachment with it because every time I used it or looked at it, I would think of him. This is the case for all the future mugs to follow. Whenever Jeff is gone on a work trip, or it’s a Terrible Tuesday, I use the mug he gave me and it’s like he is there with me, cheering me on (the mug says “Hot Stuff” on it, that may not be accurate in the morning). Choosing a mug for the day brings me a lot more joy than it probably should, but sometimes, being able to use the ugly mug I made in 6th grade art class with an awkward handle is just the kind of energy I need for the day. Not everyone may personify mugs to be like having coffee with the person that gave it to them, but every mug I have comes from someone special both near and far ranging from West Virginia to Colorado to good ol’ St. Peter, MN. Every mug has a story or deeper meaning behind it, but most importantly, they hold my coffee for me.

Frozen dinners

I told myself that once I moved into my apartment that I would become an avid cook. This lasted for about a week before I discovered the frozen “meals for one” aisle at the grocery. There are a lot more brands other than Hot Pockets now, and they offer quick, healthy meals for one. After work, the last thing I want to do is coat slimy raw chicken breasts or squeeze ground turkey chubs out into a skillet and try to forget that image in my mind as I am eating it. Not to mention, these homemade meals last for days, and I don’t know about you, but eating a giant pot of chili for a week straight is not my cup of tea. I have become a gourmet microwaver of meals that probably look and taste better than anything I could ever make, or if I tried to make, something or someone would end up burnt to a crisp. While I say my prayers of thanks before my meals, I pray extra thanks that the most challenging part of making my meal was getting the box open!

My support squad

If you ask people what they are thankful for on Thanksgiving, most of the time “family” is their cliche response. Well, I too, am cliche. I am thankful my family has gotten me through a lot of just downright unnatural and new things this year like having a graduation ceremony with my mailbox, starting my new job yet never have been to my office or have met my coworkers, quarantining alone in my apartment for nothing for 2 weeks because my Lyme disguised itself as Covid, turning 22, moving out, Terrible Tuesdays occurrences, etc…but not only my family gets credit for this. My friends, both old and new, and my little fur ball have been a huge part of making my 2020 manageable.

I already wrote a giant sappy paragraph about my boyfriend Jeff in my Summer Summary, and don’t worry I won’t do anything near that again for your sake, but even since then, I have become so much more thankful for him. He has introduced me to new people; being his amazing family that makes me want to spend more time with them whenever I’m with them, and my new friend, Megan, who is also a blonde psychology major that loves fitness and basically is the same person as me down to the smallest details…honestly creepy how similar we are sometimes. I often forget that college isn’t the only way to make lifelong friends.

Ok, so I said I wouldn’t write a giant paragraph about Jeff…never said anything about two! In all seriousness, I’m so thankful that he continues to blow me away with all he does and his ability to support me. He’s been here for me whether that be watching movies with me on days I haven’t felt too peachy, but also has been there for the celebrations, achievements, and everything in between. He’s seen both the good sides of me, but also the bad like witnessing an actual seizure due to Lyme meds which included going unconscious and my eyes rolling back in my head (definitely “Hot Stuff” like my mug says). I wouldn’t mention all these details if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve never had someone other than my parents be my rock like this during my weird FND quirks, that for some, I myself am experiencing for the first time. He’s my biggest hype man, and my best friend all in one which is the best combo because I know he somehow makes every situation better by a big hug, sending me unexpected stupid snapchats to make me laugh, wearing matching sweatshirts with me, or sarcastically roasting me into a better state of mind.

The nut milk movement

For those of you that have not picked up on it yet, I unfortunately live a dairy free life. This has led to a few sad Thanksgivings of bringing my own green beans because the green bean casserole has that dang can of cream of mushroom, surpassing pie, or having a mashed potato-less plate because they were pre buttered. Now, veganism has started to spread like Covid- even to McDonalds with their new “McPlant”, what a name – and things like almond milk, oat milk, cashew cheese, almond oil butters, and other things that I didn’t know nuts could be made into are actually getting space in grocery stores.

A lot more companies are reducing the discrimination against those whose digestive systems can’t “do the dairy,” and have worked to make non-dairy products actually taste good because they realize just how many people are dairy free, and will buy products that taste like the things we had to give up! So with that, I am thankful that Country Crock made a dairy free butter that doesn’t taste like wax. I am thankful that Nada Moo made an ice cream that doesn’t taste like a mix of chalk and rubber cement. I am thankful that Almond Breeze now has some friends on the shelf and isn’t the lone almond milk. I’m thankful that Sweet Loren’s has a great name and has allowed me to bake cookies again and eat half the dough before it even reaches the oven, instead of buying prepackaged hockey pucks. And lastly, I am thankful for Kraft Mac and Cheese for still continuing to use cheese that isn’t actually cheese.

TV dinner trays 

I never thought I would be so thankful for foldable TV dinner trays, but they have been such a God send this summer since I have had to work from home in my apartment. When living in an apartment, there is not exactly a lot of room for a desk, or a reason to get one for if I ever get to go back to the office. These babies have allowed me to transport my work station to my balcony, to my living room, to my bedroom, heck, I could even set up in the bathroom if I wanted to (already got a “chair” in there). I went about a month without a desk, and put the “lap” in laptop, but that got old real fast. I use these more than any desk I’ve ever owned because after a long day of work, it turns into my kitchen table since that doesn’t fit into my apartment either. Best $3 ever spent at Savers.

Technology

Imagine Covid without technology. There would be no zoom meetings where your coworker forgets to turn on mute and is yelling at their dog but the presenter thinks they’re yelling at them (true story), no virtual school, no Netflix to pass the time, no texting your friends that you can’t see right now, no listening to music while working out, no stalking your crush on Instagram, no talking to your grandma’s nostrils on Facetime because she can’t see you all tiny in the corner, and I wouldn’t typing about your grandmas nostrils on this blog right now. Life would be so much worse without our tech during all of this. Watching paint dry might be the highlight of our day, or we would actually have to read a real, non electronic, book! I am thankful for the little rectangle I carry around more than I ever have been in my life nowadays, even the little flip phone I had in 7th grade that I only wanted because it was pink.

Covid

Dare I say this out loud; I am thankful for Covid. I am not thankful for the terrible disease itself, but more, the indirect effects it has had on me. Covid has opened my eyes to see that there is so much more to life than what I used to think was important, and as we go into lockdown again, this will all become relevant again.

First, I am thankful that Covid literally forced me to heal my several year battle with an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise from college and college gymnastics, by shutting down gyms and taking away my ability to spend hours working out like I used at practice or the gym. It also took away the ability to be super picky about meals since going to restaurants or the grocery wasn’t very convenient during lockdown, and turning my nose up at something seemed ungrateful and silly during a pandemic. I started to be more open to and grateful for the food that I did have, was less concerned about the numbers, and remembered how much I enjoyed things I swore off eating for years like any and all forms of dessert. Any exercise I did during the day such as old piano lesson book bag back squats (say that 5 times fast), or a walk, was enough, and I didn’t have to feel dead at the end of every workout in order to feel like it was successful.

The reason I am so thankful for Covid in this sense, is because it has allowed me to enjoy life and live again! It freed me from the grip of my all or nothing mentality and has allowed me to enjoy going on dates with Jeff, family ice cream outings to Seb Joes, breweries with friends, and give my body what it needs through my Lyme fiasco – all of this would have caused me extreme stress before. I started to enjoy working out again and now do it to stay healthy, bring out the strong gymnast in me again, and relieve stress rather than feel like a slave to it and have it be my source of stress. This pandemic has shown me that there’s a lot more to life than trying to be a certain way or trying to have control over all things and try to do things perfectly all the time… with that being said, live a little and eat the dang cookie!

I am thankful that Covid also forces me to work from home. It has been a blessing in disguise because if my ongoing Lyme fiesta happened any other year, I don’t think I would be able to get to the office much. There were some days this summer, and recently, where I could not get out of bed, and was so sick from the effects of Lyme exiting my body (fun fact, it is called Herxing), but because I had to work from home, that was totally acceptable. I fully believe there is no way I could have worked and recovered like I have been able to while working at home, and for that, I am so thankful. Lastly, the week I had sun poisoning would have been so embarrassing if I had to go into work with a swollen tomato face, eye sockets, and balloon hands making me look unrecognizable. Thank goodness I could turn my camera off!

Finally, it has also made me value time with family and experiences so much more. Before all this I definitely took it for granted, I mean, I could have flown to KY any time I wanted but I didn’t. I could have gone over to my grandmas and breathed on all her belongings for no reason, but I didn’t. I could have done a lot more sorority squats with my sisters, but didn’t. I could have had a giant group hug and sung Kumbaya at the last family Christmas, but we didn’t…new tradition?? And I never would have thought that having to stand across the yard from my Kindergarten teacher on my college graduation day would be such a bummer, but it was. Any time is now quality time with my family, and every experience is valued no matter how old I get or where I’m at, even if that means finally getting to have a college commencement 4 years later to recreate a “peace out Covid” rendition.


If Covid has taught you anything, it is to make the most of all situations, to get creative, and to forget about the petty problems you thought were a huge deal before all this mess. To bring this full circle, I think Covid has forced us to focus on the real meaning of Thanksgiving more than ever before because there is no rushing off to sit in the parking lot of a Walmart for Black Friday this year. It has forced us to focus on what we have, and quality time with loved ones rather than complain how garlicky the mashed taters are. I always like to find blessings in disguise, and maybe this is some twisted way to find those blessings in your life. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, eat your pie and be happy!

~Lauren