New Year’s Goals: Forget resolutions and reframe your thinking

Let me start off right away pointing out that I am posting this at the end of January rather than the “new year, new me” time frame. But here we are again, a new year, with new aspirations and declarations that tend to only last a solid two weeks. I’ve been there; I’ve made the promises to myself that I would get back my club gymnast body even though I no longer need to be in shape to fling myself over objects that don’t care if I kill myself in the process. I’ve told myself I’d floss every single day, and read a non psychology related book every morning (trying to read books that normal people read for fun). Well, it never happened, and I don’t like resolutions. You see, the reason I don’t like resolutions isn’t because I don’t think I can accomplish weaving a piece of string through my teeth, it is because resolutions, from a psychological standpoint, ironically aren’t very healthy or attainable for a large percentage of people.

I like to make goals for myself, not resolutions. While psychology does show that a new sense of motivation is created by fresh starts and our brains are better at comprehending things in chunks… there is no science backing up that these said chunks have to start on the first of a month, first day of a new year, or a Monday! This is why I don’t like the giant starting line on January 1st, because what happens if you’ve got all your resolutions ready to go, but you get a 24 hour stomach virus on New Years Eve and spend the night on the toilet? (true story, sorry Ryan Seacrest, I created my own fireworks out of both ends this year). If I followed a resolutions mentality, I would have already failed the minute the clock hit 2022. Psychology shows that resolutions can lead to failure due to the fact that it sets us up for an all-or-nothing mindset. We put so much pressure on January 1st by swearing off to never eat a potato chip again, but then once we give in day later, we throw in the towel and give up because we lose faith in ourselves.

The benefit of setting goals is they can be made on a random Tuesday at 3:07 PM and can be started over 17 times a day.; it’s on your time and your terms. Our brains don’t like being told “no,” and that is what a resolution does. In fact, our brains like to act like toddlers and do the exact opposite of what it is told not to do. Even though I’ve been fully aware of this psychological phenomenon in years past and swore off “unhealthy food,” that lasted until dinner that night because the forbidden fruit causes even more temptation (if you need further proof go look up a little story called Adam and Eve). This is why this year, I am focusing on goal setting, not changing my habits overnight. While there are big differences between a resolution and a goal, there is one pretty big similarity, and the reason why the line between resolutions and goals is so fine lately when really, it should be a thick line. As social media has grown and comparison culture is a legit thing, goals have become a lot more about getting something, or getting rid of something, rather than achieving something, and I’d like to help y’all reframe your resolutions and goals.

The reason resolutions and “modern day goals,” shall I call them, exist are because we are dissatisfied with parts of our lives, or we want something to happen. As I was thinking about content for this post in the shower (this is typically where all my ideas originate, as well as during my dreams, or any other random times instead of when I intentionally sit down to write), I thought about my goals for this year and the fact they weren’t all quantitative like my past resolutions were. Instead, they are qualitative, and I felt a lot more peace and hope when thinking about them. I realized that my goals actually get to the root of what I want, not just a fix that I thought would get me to where I want (ex: lose 10 pounds to feel good about my body again). I promise this will apply to you in some way, and I want to help you see what you should STOP doing when it comes to goal setting.

My goals this year are meant to create that thick line between goals and resolutions again. They are more than something I want to just get, it is something I want to achieve, and live out daily. I’m going to preface by saying that my goals go against all the SMART goal (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, timely) setting we did in middle school/high school/college. My goals are broad as heck, can’t be measured with numbers, and time frame? No, that’s a recipe for failure! And you know what? That’s ok, because goals have no rules (unless you’re at a hockey or soccer game). If having smart goals works better for you to hold you accountable, then go for it! But for me and my perfectionistic, type A, all or nothing mentality; giving myself a number to hit, and then falling one number short = failure in my mind rather than seeing all that I did do along the way. So with that, here’s my 5 main goals for this year, and maybe they will spark some for you, too.

There’s no way you didn’t do this in middle school

Stop trying to lose 10 pounds

For someone reading this thinking they’ll finally learn how to lose the last 10 pounds, don’t exit out of this yet. Remember how I said that we often make goals that are quick fixes to get to the root of what we actually want? How about we just make what we truly want our goal? For me (and probably you, too), this is being happy with how my body looks. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being a gymnast, but being judged on how “my lines” looked in a leotard, and making sure my body was in prime shape for half my life didn’t go without causing extreme attention to how my body looks daily. Since I’ve retired, I’ve spent time recovering from disordered eating, body image issues, and have believed that I’d finally be happy once I lost 10 pounds…but I never thought to make my goal to work on accepting my body right now; what it does right now, how beautiful it still is right now, and the fact that I can whoop someone’s butt in a handstand contest right now. My goal is to learn to love my body in the present. The reason losing 10 pounds is STILL on everyone’s “to do” list, is for two reasons. 1. We assign a time to it, and so much pressure to do it that we go to unsustainable extremes so it becomes this nasty cycle of giving up then starting over. 2. Giving ourselves a goal that is more like a task we can check off is a lot easier than facing internal feelings we have to battle. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t like talking about emotions, or letting people know that I feel anything but confident at all times. But here I am announcing to the internet that I avoid icky feelings like a pro, and have bad negative self talk when it may seem that I am A-okay 95% of the time. How bout we skip the quick fix and make our goal to do the real work and acceptance? How will I know when I’ve achieved this goal? When quality of life is better, and I feel joy in situations that currently cause me stress such as looking at a picture with my boyfriend or my family and despising what I look like. Seriously, is your goal to see a certain number on the scale? Or is it so feel a certain way about yourself? *mic drop*

Stop trying to read for fun

I did indeed, get this from Pinterest

Before you start to think this is a blog about promoting bad habits, the theme I’m going for here is that we make goals that are basically a cry for help for something else that we truly want. In this case, reading for fun is code for I WANT TO LEARN TO RELAX! So I’m making my goal to learn to relax. Serious question here: do you even know how to relax? Cause I don’t think I actually do. I used to think relaxing was sitting on the couch and being able to scroll through Instagram until I realized I started to feel stressed about seeing other people’s amazing Lyme-less lives or started to feel my anxiety bubbling up as I see the 13 unread email notifications from work on a Saturday (I think those 13 people need to learn to chill more than I do). So then I switched my beliefs and thought relaxing meant having the time to read for fun since that seems like something chill people do. That became my resolution until I realized my mind was taxed and didn’t want to read 12 point font at 11 PM after a full day of school (and no, it is not because psychology books are my idea of reading for fun, this also applied to Nicholas Sparks books, too). Relaxing these days is so much harder than I thought. It requires not picking up my phone and scrolling through Facebook while trying to watch Netflix…emphasis on trying to watch Netflix. Watching a show with undivided attention and actually enjoying it requires effort for a lot of people nowadays! For me, my goal is to be able to pay attention to an activity I enjoy doing with no thoughts about work the next day, the fact I still have Lyme spirochetes using my nervous system as a playground, and that I haven’t been to the gym yet today. For the record, I feel that tranquility and calmness I’m aiming for when I am blogging away at my favorite Starbucks listening to my #soft playlist on Spotify. Relaxing does not always equal laying on the couch reading a book with a candle lit, coffee in hand, while the snow is lightly falling like Pinterest and Instagram has coaxed us into thinking that’s what it is (especially in Florida or Kentucky, that would just be odd). It is whatever makes you feel like you can finally exhale for once, and at least for me, brings me closer to God and can feel His presence.

Stop trying to floss 7 days a week

This resolution of mine never did get off the ground, even when it involved using dino flossers as extra motivation. Well, that’s because I didn’t actually want to floss 7 days a week…sorry Dr. Mittelsteadt and Zach’s dad. What I wanted all these years, was to take better care of myself and my health, and this somehow translated into thinking that flossing made me feel like I had my life together. So my goal here, is to take better care of my overall health by setting in place a night routine. My morning routine I’ve got down solid, but when it comes to night time, I unfortunately have procrastinating going to bed down solid, too due to a psychological concept called “revenge bedtime procrastination” that a lot of people experience because we feel like sleep robs us of leisure time after having a full schedule all day. (The fact that my FND happens primarily at night time and I have a slight fear of sleeping definitely doesn’t help either). This is why I want to get a routine going, because my brain thrives with set routines, and getting more consistency at night might be the sleeping pill I’ve needed all these years to let my body know that the natural human need to sleep is not a living nightmare and is actually enjoyable. I’d love to get to bed at the same time every night (perhaps after I brush my teeth AND floss), say my prayers, jot a few lines in my 5 year journal, read a little bit, and go to sleep knowing that I’m doing everything in my power to better my overall health. What about you? Do you have a good nightly routine? Or are there some areas you could improve?

Stop trying to have a weekly date night

This started out as a really good goal in my mind until I realized that having to actively, with effort, carve out time during my week for a few hours to spend quality time with the person I love sounds really sad. What is keeping me so occupied that I have to literally plan out a day I’m going to wear jeans instead of sweatpants, and plan to put on makeup for an hour or two? I realized that the reason for this is because I am always in a hurry, and because of this, am exhausted by the end of the day. So with that, my goal is to eliminate the need to hurry in my life so I am not always exhausted, and sweatpants won’t look more attractive than my handsome man of mine after a long day of work! This realization came to light from a book my church is doing a sermon series on called The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer. I highly recommend that everyone on this planet reads this book, especially those who don’t come to a full stop at stop signs, always choose the shortest line at the grocery store, or look at your phone during any lull in your life (that’s all of us, my point exactly). I have realized through reading this book, that I make myself exhausted every single day just by being in a hurry in all aspects of my life for no reason at all. For example; replying to emails right away rather than allowing my mind to rest and give it at least 5-10 minutes, working over my lunch break, driving over the speed limit, multitasking all day long, and heck, I even try to use the bathroom as fast as I can, and for what? Because of this, it takes away from the things that should be rewarding after a long day (I’m not talking about going to the bathroom here anymore), and makes me a version of myself that I don’t particularly enjoy. I want to have the energy to do date nights every night if I wanted to, rather than just one day a week, and start to balance out my jeans to sweatpants ratio.

Stop trying to find a cure

As much as I’d love to finally rid myself of Lyme Disease and Functional Neurological Disorder, the last few years have revealed to me that all the focus and effort I’ve put in to ridding myself of all of my problems, is taking away from other parts of my life that I used to enjoy regularly. So with that, my goal is to give more of my attention to what brings me joy in order to bring back “pre-FND Lauren.” Of course, I will never give up hope that I will someday be set free of it, but at some point, I need to draw the line where managing how many pills I take at night doesn’t become my life and I can just be me minus FND. Psychology has actually shown that the more attention given to an issue, the worse it can get because it stays in the mind, and subconscious. Over the years, I’ve noticed that as I’ve given more attention to treating FND, it’s actually gotten worse which leads to more attention given to it. Now, it has turned into what feels like I’m the project manager on an all consuming, 24/7 project that I don’t want to be on anymore. I’ve been grateful for the treatment and time my parents have contributed, especially since it led to discovering Lyme after all these years, but sometimes I just want to go cold turkey for treating FND, and live my life like I used to before I started any treatments. Before I started treatments in college, my condition was much less severe and not always on my mind which left room for thoughts about time with friends, vacations, games, cooking new foods, flying lawn mower videos, and everyday things that I actually do enjoy, rather than fear now. It was much easier to enjoy myself in the moment because there was never the lingering thought that I’d have a spell because of what I was doing. Thankfully since I met Zach, pre-FND Lauren has started to come back more these days, she’s a lot more bubbly and less stoic. But there is still that fear and hesitation that I’ve been conditioned to have if I make the wrong move, don’t take my medication on time or correctly, sit too long, use too much energy, or get too tired. I don’t want to live my life in fear anymore, I want to just live it like the fearless kid I used to be, and my own mind is what is stopping me! Do you have something you give too much negative attention to? Put your mind elsewhere, you have control of it!

My goals aren’t really a to do list like a lot of people seem to create when goal setting, and because of that, it will take time! But as they say, all good things take time. I hope these 5 goals made you think about the areas of your life that you could change to better your health, bring you back to the person you want to be if you’ve strayed from that, help you eliminate the hurry in your life, make you stop at stop signs, and learn how to appreciate the lulls in life. I’d love to hear some of your goals for this year, and if flossing 7 days a week is something you’ve achieved already, teach me your ways, please.

Happy January!


What Are You Actually Thankful For?

Happy Thanksgiving week! I am changing this post up a bit, and rather than making a list of 5-10 things I am thankful for this year, I’m straying from my list format completely (it kind of hurts my type A tendencies a tad). I want to challenge you to put in the thinking with me. I know, you’re probably thinking well Lauren, that’s easy; I am thankful for my friends and family, my job, my smoking hot significant other, my house…etc. While that is probably a true statement for most (it is for me as well), those responses have become such a default that I feel it’s equivalent to saying “good” to the “how are you?” question. You all know how much I preach that it’s the little things in life that bring me joy- and I mean that quite literally. How about we deep dive to find what little things in your life make more than an impact than you know?…and feel free to change your “how are you?” answer while you’re at it to something more honest and interesting like “I’m actually doing pretty great today” or “I feel like I’ve watched the Sarah McLachlan Humane Society commercial one too many times aka not great.” But I digress…

Have you ever just sat and thought about what you’re thankful for? I mean that literally, just park it in the middle of your living room to think about what brings you more joy than it probably should for the average person. Psychology shows that taking the time out of your day to think of 3-5 things you’re thankful for leads to better mental health and life satisfaction- this is a component of Positive Psychology. I am not one to pass up a good psychology experiment, so I picked up this habit and now use my mornings accompanied with my coffee to actually stop, sit, and think before I start my 7-4 grind. This allows our minds to recognize that life ain’t so bad even when you’ve got a million things to do at work, you despise the thought of leg day later, or you back into a concrete pole in your parking garage (true story). Again as I always say, the little things can mean a lot more than you realize.

How I start my mornings!

I think some people believe that being thankful for something has to mean it is this life-changing phenomenon, person, place, or something they are told they should be thankful for in their lives. While it’s definitely something to be thankful for if you met the peanut butter to your jelly, found out via alpaca the cause of your mysterious disease, or went on a memorable trip (try to guess which one of these is about me); being thankful for something doesn’t need to be big. Heck, most of what I jot down in my journal every morning sounds like I have nothing exciting going on in my life ever…but once you start to view those insignificant little things in life as a big deal, your perspective quickly changes. Then, the days where you feel like everything is going down the toilet…you’ll at least be thankful you have a toilet to flush things down (this is so true though, can you imagine how hard life would be without those things?)

Keeping things too broad won’t have the same positive psychological effect as getting into the little things- and companies know that, and use that against you. A good example of this is the body positivity movement. This preaches that in order to improve negative body image and accept what we look like right now, we must be thankful for our bodies no matter if we don’t feel great. While this all has good intentions, it doesn’t get into the WHY, which leaves people stranded still thinking they aren’t worthy because it’s more of a statement that tries to get you to convince yourself that you believe it, and to buy products to help you do so. On days that I don’t feel great about myself, I don’t write in my journal that I am thankful for my body; I write that I am thankful that I have muscular legs that allow me to jump up and reach high shelves because I am really short. I write that I am thankful for my eyeballs that allow me to watch the bachelorette every week. I write that I am thankful for my stomach that endured all the body slams as a gymnast (proof below). I write that I am thankful for my arms that allow me to show up every cocky body builder in the gym with a simple handstand. You get it- be specific about how it affects you, not just that something exists, because seeing that something serves a purpose to let you live the life you want is what leads to life satisfaction- not the concept itself.

So how do we deep dive to find the little things? Think about your routines throughout the day and what brings you joy. When I think about what brings me joy, I immediately think of coffee post rolling out of bed. The act of picking out my favorite mug, and the fact that it forces me to go slow for once in my life (going fast results in a scorched mouth), is a constant every morning that I look forward to. I’m thankful that I have this pause in my day no matter how hectic the day will be shortly after. What little things bring you joy? Maybe it’s a favorite outfit, goodnight texts, everything but the bagel seasoning, your favorite candle on a chilly morning, the dollar aisle at Target, a good hair day, warm showers, the Vikings aren’t as terrible as usual, a favorite playlist, sweatpants, when your man wears a backwards hat (ladies, you know), a new book, a free weeknight…the everyday things right in front of you that would put a damper on things if they weren’t there!

Next, what makes your life easier? I mean this in the most literal way possible. There’s no rules for what you feel thankful for- all needs are different for everyone at all times! This week, I have been extremely thankful for my bike shorts. Yes, my unattractive padded booty bike shorts. I could easily answer this question with something like: I am thankful for my friends, and the support they give me during a tough week…but that does absolutely nothing if what I need this week is rear end support so a bike seat doesn’t end up in a place I don’t want it to be (I mean I guess friends could help you out with that, but I don’t need to be THAT close with my gal pals).

I find it interesting that a lot of the time, when I ask people what they are thankful for, it isn’t something tangible or visible, it is something like “I am alive today” or “my family’s love.” Not that those aren’t valid answers, but come on people do you actually wake up every morning and the first thing you do is sit up in bed and think about how alive you are or how much your family loves you? No, you go get coffee, hop in the shower, or hit the snooze button etc. People never mention physical things in their lives they’re glad they have, probably because it feels silly, or totally forget about the mundane. So what in your life are you thankful for that makes life easier for you? Perhaps it’s online shopping, your husband’s love for driving you everywhere, your girlfriend’s weird interest in folding laundry, dating apps, dairy free butter (hallelujah), wireless earbuds, wrinkle free dress shirts, working from home, elevators,….you get what I mean. Being thankful is recognizing those little things that ultimately make you feel less strained, more relaxed, relieved, less like you want to cry in the shower, and saves you from climbing 27 flights of stairs to your office!

Now, think about what you dread. We have all heard the “change your thinking from I HAVE to, to I GET to” phrase, right? Practicing being thankful for the things you think you hate, but deep down appreciate because they benefit you greatly, is a prime way to make every day less like Terrible Tuesdays. For me, this is the Sunday Scaries and the daunting feeling of the work week ahead. I get so anxious thinking about all the future emails in my inbox, and how tired I am going to be by Friday…but I am thankful for the Sunday Scaries because that means I have a job to pay my rent, a purpose and a calling, and I have coworkers that appreciate me. What about you? Common things I know we all dread are going to the gym…but some people can’t! We dread going to work…but some out there wish to have a job or the job you have. Some despise grocery shopping, cleaning the house, shopping for a new outfit for a special occasion…you fill in the blank. There’s always a way to put a positive spin on the things we love to hate, we just don’t do it enough.

Well, that’s it folks. No giant list of paragraphs this time around (maybe you’re thankful for that). I truly, TRULY, challenge you to start a daily list of 3-5 of those little things you’re thankful for. I have enjoyed going back through my journal to see what simple pleasures did it for me depending on the stage of life I was in, and picking those simple pleasures back up if I forgot about them along the way. One honorable mention I wrote down during a stressful time in college was “I’m thankful for chairs that are short enough that my feet touch the ground so my calves don’t swell up during finals.” I’d love to hear some of the things that bring you joy, make your life easier, and what things you can learn to love on days you really don’t want to. What do you have to lose other than less stress in your life and less negativity?

Before I go…Here are 5 top things I am grateful for this year (did you really think I could resist my list?)

  1. Free parking at work solely for the purpose that parallel parking downtown Minneapolis makes me want to cry.
  2. Breweries- a lot of great beginnings started at these this year, and I am on a quest for the best sour.
  3. Trader Joe’s because if you know, you know.
  4. Taco salads. That’s it, that’s the sentence.
  5. My step stool because I am short if you did not already notice that yourself.

Go eat all your favorite things this week, and be thankful for your fork!


Modern Technology: What I wish could be reversed

A conversation I had this week inspired this post, and got me thinking about how technology has morphed the way we live today. Writing this as an IT consultant may seem a bit ironic since new technology and software is my job security, but the psychology nerd in me sees something different. As technology continues to become more capable than anything I could ever imagine, it’s also getting us farther away from the authentic and wholesome moments we probably all have experienced in the past. Technology is meant to make our lives easier, and it does in a physical sense, I mean who would go back to a typewriter? But from my perspective, it’s starting to go a bit too far and is making the unseen parts of our lives harder such as mental health, motivation, and emotional intelligence. Technology does a lot of things for us now; taking the full experience and effort out of what we used to do without the aid of a device. Call me old fashioned, but here’s 10 things I wish I could reverse back to how they were!

1. Capturing video footage

It is so easy nowadays to whip out your phone and Snapchat your dad running around the house cheering because your mom approved of the birthday gift he gave her…I did this just the other day if you couldn’t tell already this was a true story. The fact that we can Snapchat, Instagram story, Tik Tok, or simply just use smartphone video any time we want has made moments that used to be so special…kinda just a norm. We are able to video so much now, that we are just living through a lens rather than being present a majority of the time- videoing concerts and putting a whole song on your snap story is a great example of this, or taking videos of your dinner spread. I miss the giant chunky camcorder because the fact that it was a beast made it less attractive to bring it around everywhere, meaning, we were all present and not experiencing every single moment through a lens. Did your parents ever video what you were eating for dinner at a restaurant with an actual camera? How weird would that be? Yet now, it’s perfectly normal to make your McDonalds chicken nuggets be as famous as you used to be in your home videos.

Recently I dusted off (literally) the box of Casey camcorder home video footage. The fact that I had to dig them up, and go through the whole process of loading them into the DVD and actually watch the DVD rather than skip over parts made it more authentic. I came across one of my first gymnastics classes as a 4 year old, the age I coach now, and while all the skills (even the goodbye song) have stayed the same all these years, the one thing that’s changed is the parents Snapchatting their kids through the windows and staring at their phones editing the videos for half the class. Through watching my home videos, I’ve realized the best moments to look back on are the ones not edited out, such as my brother trying to jump in the kiddy pool and wiping out completely. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with documenting kids growing up on Instagram highlights or using social media to easily access memorable moments because that is just our world now, but it feels nice to rewind back to the past in more ways than one sometimes, and see all the unfiltered, unedited, raw footage.

2. Elevators

There are just some things that really don’t need to be changed. Touch screen toasters, refrigerators, coffee makers…but the one that baffles me the most is touch screen elevators. I work in the SPS Tower on the 27th floor, and the first day I showed up to my new client, the elevator stumped the IT consultant. Answer this, would you ever imagine an elevator to not have buttons on the inside? Exactly. There’s NOTHING in there except the prayers and hope that I will not get stuck. So how does it work? There is a touch screen in the elevator lobby with every floor listed. I touch the 27th floor, and it will tell me which elevator to proceed to; I, H, K, L, O, or J -apparently A, B, C, D, E, F were taken that day. I have learned the hard way that these fancy tech ones don’t detect someone is in the doors if you try to hold the elevator for someone. I have been an elevator door Lauren sandwich several times already because those things don’t have any mercy for not walking fast enough. I decided to test out one day what would happen after I arrived at my floor and didn’t get out. The doors closed and I did not move. This led to me being stuck in the elevator for 10 minutes until someone queued it up again. This definitely is not more effective than the old way in my opinion, but it might be a great exposure therapy method.

3. Cell Phones

This is probably a very unpopular opinion, but I hate smart phones. While they give us access to so much online, they take away from everything else going on outside of the tiny little screen. Having a flip phone was one of the best things ever because all I did was text, take low quality pictures, and feel really cool when my “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz ring tone went off. I liked the fact that people weren’t glued to their phones all the time. I remember getting my first smart phone, and my interests suddenly shifted. I no longer went outside much in my free time, didn’t touch board games anymore, stopped reading books because Temple Run was life, never went anywhere without it, and all my attention was now on that little screen when I was with my friends or family. Having a smartphone definitely affected my mood a lot more, too, and created more stress in my life than there needed to be. The fact that I had to wait to get a flip phone until 7th grade I now see as a great move in hindsight. It gave me the childhood that kids should have, and protected me from a lot of crappy things in the world.

Now, elementary school kids are getting better iPhones than I am and the number of iPhones is starting to sound a lot like Kidz Bop- you don’t know if they will ever end. I miss the days where we weren’t checking our phones every minute for notifications, Facebook and email could only be checked on the computer, and finding the perfect emoji wasn’t a thing. The only options were colon + parentheses faces or a semi colon parentheses if you were flirting with your middle school crush. Emojis are a part of our vocabulary now, and middle schoolers won’t every understand the gravity of finally getting an old school smiley back from the cutie in homeroom signifying they liked you back.

4. Alarms

Call me an old lady, but I miss the days of digital alarm clocks that sat on nightstands, and having to physically get up to find which button would turn it off otherwise it would just keep going. The heart attack that my clock gave me every morning was way more effective than my iPhone alarm that I only hear half the time. By the time I finally got up for school to turn the darn thing off, I’d be awake enough that snooze would be pointless, whereas that is not the case anymore since it is so much easier to justify sleeping 10 more minutes five times when the snooze button is right in front of your face, or the “twinkle” sound isn’t as jolting. The alarm clock also eliminated the habit of sitting on my phone in the morning for a solid 5-10 minutes. When your alarm is on your phone; it only makes sense to go check every social media platform, email account, Target cartwheel discounts of the week, stalk your second cousin on Facebook, look through your whole camera roll, and order your mom’s birthday gift after turning your alarm off, right? For something that is supposed to make our lives easier and productive, making the phone alarm a norm certainly did not achieve that.

5. Social Media

I am a total hypocrite when it comes to this one since I use it daily, but I wish all social media beyond Facebook were never invented- specifically Instagram and Tik Tok. Everyone is so caught up with trying to make it look like they’re living their best lives that it has detrimental effects on mental and physical health. I wrote my senior capstone on how social media directly affects mental health, specifically body dysmorphia and eating disorders in both men and women, and that self compassion and positive psychology are a key to eliminating that. This is a legit finding, not just a correlation. The issue is that social media instills in us automatic negative thoughts (ANTs), and that’s the opposite of self compassion. There is so much comparison that it creates unrealistic expectations, and negative affirmations that our brains recite to us daily. I can even attest and confess to this. I remember having no body image issues or concerns about my life before I got Instagram, but once I did, I started to feel insecure about my looks, thought others didn’t like me if I didn’t get enough likes, and felt bad about not having perfect Pinterest moments. Not to mention, it wastes so much time, yet we all know it and still do it! Even the content that people are posting nowadays has changed. In 9th grade I was posting gymnastics pictures or pictures with my family. Now, I see 9th graders posting questionable selfies, and stories I wouldn’t dare post even as a 23 year old. The impact social media has on people’s decision making skills and emotions is astounding, and I only foresee it to get worse as Instagram will cause more disordered eating due to diet culture, hidden snap stories will promote lying/sneaking around, and Tik Tok will probably lead to even more cringey dancing in public.

6. Watches

I used to wear a watch everyday as a kid because that is how I would check the time…hence what it was made for. Now, Apple Watches are actually making the word “watch” literal- as in – watching our watches for move rings, calorie goals, weather updates, texting, and almost everything but the time. I do believe they are amazing little creations and can be helpful for a lot of things, but they also can be harmful to mental health and productivity. This past month my Apple Watch broke for a solid week, and I felt a lot of anxiety the first few days because I didn’t know how many calories I burned, what my heart rate was, how many steps I took at work, and a whole lot of other anxiety inducing things. It made me stop and think I lived 20 years without one, why is it so hard to go back to not relying on having this information and just going about my day again? Watches were not made to create anxiety except to tell you that you’re about to be late for work again. After the first few days passed without my Apple Watch, my mental health actually improved. I no longer was as concerned about closing my move ring, didn’t think about what I was able to eat during the day based on how many calories my watch told me I burned, I was a lot more present at work and with friends, and I didn’t walk into the clear wall at work again due to scrolling through watch notifications. Let’s go back to glancing at our watch rather than walking into walls shall we?

7. “Ok Google”

My family will full on be able to tell you how much this one bugs me. I am so annoyed by any and all Google Homes, Google Minis, Google lightbulbs, and any other Google device that is not the search engine (no hard feelings against the OG Google). My whole family has converted to talking to Google to do easy things like turn on lights, turn on music, etc…when it actually takes more time for Google to do it since it malfunctions or doesn’t understand half the time. What was so difficult about standing up and walking over to turn on a lamp? To this day, I still refuse to use the 4+ Googles in my parents house and will go out of my way to manually turn on the lights because I can. Yes, it is cool that technology can automate things like that for us, especially for those who may have a disability, that’s where I see technology being beneficial and it should be implemented. But for things that just make things easier simply because we may be lazy or the task takes 5 seconds longer…I can’t justify that quite yet.

8. Watching a movie

When it comes to movies, they’ve kind of lost their pizazz since they’re so easily accessible, and don’t have a “return by” date on them. One of my favorite things to do growing up was Friday night movie runs to Blockbuster. My brother and I would roam the aisles looking for the perfect movie to watch, and argue over which one to get since apparently princesses weren’t doing it for him. When we got home, we’d have a routine of being the “movie hosts” by setting up all the comfy chairs with blankets and pillows, taking popcorn orders, aka, my brother writing on a piece of paper what kind of seasoning wanted, drink options, and crushed or cubed ice then making our parents check the box and return their selections to me (I was the waitress, he was the chef). We would get so excited over this and when the movie started, we were glued to the TV. When Red Box came out, we thought that was the latest and greatest technology that would make Blockbuster go out of business. Still, we loved picking out movies at McDonalds for our Kentucky road trips to watch in the car, and being able to return them to any Red Box across the nation was groundbreaking. Something about getting to pick out a movie that could physically be held was so special. Now, I can’t tell you how many times I have flipped through Netflix, picked a movie, and barely even watched it because I don’t have the urgency to pay attention. There’s nothing ritualistic or special about hitting play on Netflix, knowing you can watch it every single day if you wanted to.

9. Cooking Gadgets

Most people would jump at the offer if someone willingly said they wanted to get you and Instant Pot or Air Fryer, but not me. My family has tried to hard to get me to cave into jumping on the kitchen gadget bandwagon because apparently it cooks lentils and mashed cauliflower like a charm, but I refuse to get on that wagon, because I don’t think I’ve touched a lentil in my life and my pre made frozen mash tastes delightful heated up in the microwave. Plus, I have a perfectly good stove, oven, microwave, and toaster in my apartment! Sure, maybe it can cook my chicken 12 minutes faster than it would in the oven, but honestly, I am not in a rush, and all the different cooking mediums are starting to stress me out! Psychology says that when you are presented with too many choices, it actually causes more stress. In my case, the fact that I would have so many options to cook a potato would make me want to give up and run to the frozen aisle at Trader Joe’s. The thought of all the dozens of cookbooks made for each device, all for different diets, makes me want to pull my hair out. I like to keep things simple, and am a bit of a minimalist if you couldn’t tell. The day everyone stops saying “Insta Pot” instead of Instant Pot will be the day I cave, which will probably be nowhere in the near future.

10. Music Medium

When I think back to how I used to listen to music, man has it changed. I never would’ve imagined that Spotify would have become so big after I spent years buying songs off iTunes that I heard on the radio. Even though the radio is still around, I rarely ever listen to it anymore because I kind of forget it is there. While I have the freedom to listen to anything any time I want on Spotify, I have to say, I get sick of my same old playlists all the time, and even when I do hit shuffle, I find myself skipping songs until I find one that I want to listen to. I definitely get tired of Spotify by the end of my work day. With the radio, I never knew what I would get next, was forced to listen to a whole song, enjoyed the talk shows, and honestly, I miss hearing the Shane Co ad every once in a while (494 and Hopkins crossroad…you finish the rest). The debut of a brand new song on the radio was a lot more exciting and hyped up than new songs on streaming methods. Would I want to get rid of Spotify at this point? No, I don’t know if I could do that now that I am instantly gratified by Thomas Rhett whenever I want, but I miss the presence of the radio a lot more now than I used to…except when the severe weather warnings would cut into the middle of the song causing me to run out of the shower mid shampoo due to fear that I would get sucked into a tornado at that instant.

Dealing with change can be hard, and I have found through my job that this is true for all ages. Even I (as you can see) have a hard time adopting changes when I am attached to how I’m used to doing things, and don’t see the need for making my chicken a little bit crispier in an air fryer. There is a whole career dedicated to helping people adjust to change in the business world; but there’s nothing out there to help us adjust to change outside the business realm such as social media platforms, streaming services, making a cake in anything other than an oven, your watch telling you when to breathe, using elevators without buttons, or turning lightbulbs off with our voices. Part of getting others to adopt change is showing why it is beneficial and how it will improve the current process…and I just can’t see that yet myself. I do believe that what technology can do now is amazing, I will not debate against that, but it makes me sad to think that future generations will never get to experience things the way I have growing up, and the simplicity of life before turning a TV on required 5 remotes. If I had one wish, I would make society go back to seeing technology as a luxury rather than a necessity. Would you?


Hidden Psychology: Finding psychology in the unexpected

I think most of you know by now that I am a proud psychology geek from the references I sneak into almost every post I make. Psychology, to most, is simply the study of human behavior and why we do what we do; but have you ever stopped to think about what affects our decisions, mood, motives, etc beyond the fact that our brains tells us to do or feel something? Sometimes we get so used to everyday life that we don’t stop and think about how we came to our decision to impulse buy the cereal we haven’t eaten since we were five, or why we chose to wear all black instead of a brighter color on a rainy day. Unlike math, psychology applies to literally everything, and I do mean that literally (do you use derivatives to decide what you want for lunch? Didn’t think so). While I could make a much bigger list than what I am about to explain, here are 10 places that you see or use psychology every single day.

1. Psychology is in your sandwich

Psychology has a lot to do with what foods we make and decide to eat on a given day. We base what we eat on texture, flavor, how long it takes to prepare, etc…but why does that even matter? If there was no psychological aspect to eating we would be fine with eating piles of lettuce every meal because it quiets hunger. Our decisions come from a motive…that motive being our mood and the context of our day. We’ve all heard of emotional eating, but it goes beyond that because psychology dictates what foods we eat on days where we aren’t drowning our sorrows in chocolate, too. Eating is not an act to fulfill physical needs, it also feeds us mentally, and sometimes spiritually. Have you ever noticed how comforting a warm bowl of soup is on a gloomy/cold day, but you wouldn’t dare eat some scorching bowl of chicken noodle poolside in the middle of summer? (I mean if you do, all power to you). On the converse, an ice cold lemonade by the pool is a lot more mood boosting than an ice cold lemonade watching the first snowfall. There’s a reason some foods are called comfort foods, because we eat them to feel good or connected to something. This could be along the lines of choosing a category of food that aligns with your mood (taco Tuesday is definitely a mood), toasting with a glass of champagne, or maybe eating your grandma’s famous broccoli casserole when you miss her since she lives halfway across the country. Next time you decide what you want for dinner, notice what’s happening in your life around you and how it affects what choice you make.

2. Psychology keeps you efficient

Engineering Psychology exists to essentially predict how humans will mess up. Why isn’t the reverse gear next to drive? Why is technology made the way it is? Why is “Hot” up and “Cold” down in the shower? Why does your microwave have a “popcorn” setting but not a “hot pocket” setting (still probably would be cold on the inside). It is important to involve psychology in the design of building houses, cars, new technology, and machines in order to make sure that our human tendency to mess up under pressure doesn’t put anyone at risk. But also, because our brains interact with things in a certain way, and humans resort to doing a lot of the same things. For instance, we associate two non-related things with each other such as hot with up, and cold with down which is why showers are the way they are. I can guarantee you that there was a psychologist on call for the design of the iPhone, and that there is a reason the home button was placed on the bottom rather than on the back or side (and a reason the home button is no longer there anymore). Have you ever seen some ridiculous rule or law somewhere and thought “why on earth does this need to be said?” It’s probably because some bonehead did that stupid thing, and that’s what engineering psychologists try to predict in order to prevent. I instantly think of the law in Kentucky stating “no carrying an ice cream cone in your back pocket” …someone set the precedence, and maybe that’s why women’s jeans are now designed with little to no pockets at all!

3. Psychology makes you buy blue things

We all know that the main point of marketing is to get us to buy something, or positively promote. But as I will keep saying in this post, HOW do we suddenly go from only needing to pick up shampoo at Target, to coming out with 7 new cheesy decorative pillows, 5 bags of flavored popcorn, and all the products marked “new”? Consumer Psychologists work to study consumer behavior and patterns, and psychology is the base of marketing because it kick starts the feeling centers of our brains (Amygdala) which tampers with the frontal lobes that are in charge of reasoning and decision making. First, the psychology of color. Studies show that blue is the most attractive color because it makes us feel calm, and productive- now think of all the brands that are blue; Oreos, Culvers, Pillsbury, Pop Tarts, Pepsi, etc. You are more likely to buy a product if it is blue, rather than red, since red according to studies is the least attractive color (maybe that’s why everyone hates Valentine’s Day). Color is used to both make us feel a certain way, but also to catch our attention, and make the executive decision making parts of our brains temporarily turn into the reasoning of a two year old’s.

Second, loss aversion and the scarcity mindset. Psychology says that you are more likely to buy something if you think you’re going to lose it, or never get it again. This is why seasonal products like pumpkin spice make us impulse buy nasty pumpkin spice things that should not be pumpkin spice in the first place. This is also why “on sale” signs work so well even though it’s discounted 2 cents. Humans don’t want to miss out on a good deal, even if we are spending more money just to get the stale pretzels on sale. Next time you go to Target, pay attention to the colors and notice how there’s not much black, white, or brown. Notice what items are placed on end caps and what they are (seasonal, new, or clearance, typically), and actually look at the on sale sign and evaluate if those giant tub of cheese balls that are 50 cents off will make you feel more fulfilled in life.

4. Psychology prevents road rage

Don’t laugh, but there are psychologists out there with a career solely dedicated to traffic. Before you think traffic psychology is a weird career, it is a rising career track, and how great would it be to just people watch to see what people do in their cars when they think no one is looking? Traffic psychologists evaluate driver behavior and whether it’s planned, impulsive, or habitual. Based on this, they help to determine where road signs should be placed based on where the optimal attention point will be, what the signs should say, predict road rage based on how frustrating certain intersections will be, and evaluate traffic patterns. A huge reason that traffic happens in the first place is because human curiosity is too powerful, and we need to be nosy and look at that person who got pulled over by a cop to see what they look like, of course. Traffic psychologists study why this is and how to resolve it.

Traffic psychologists help to ease any commotion, and try to eliminate negative behaviors by setting up construction sites a certain way or putting directional detour signs in the perfect spot to eliminate confusion. What goes on road signs is just as important because that is how you get people to obey them. This is where color, word placement, word size etc, is important. You’re more likely to actually read a road sign if it has a snarky/sarcastic saying than if it is your everyday “slow down” sign. Many places are seeing these new electric signs that are doing just that, and that is the kind of thing that people remember. I don’t know about you, but the one sign that read “slow down, moron” worked a lot better on me than a regular slow down sign.

5. Psychology belongs in business

This one may not be a huge surprise, but even though it’s already known that psychology exists here, people don’t actually use it to their advantage. Psychology can do some powerful things in Change Management, Employee Retention, User Experience, Business Analyzation, Recruiting, and Human Resources. This is what I have dedicated my career to, and have been trying to sneak into my daily work whether that be wording an email in a certain way to help someone be more comfortable with change, sneaking in jokes at the bottom of my meeting recap emails so people actually read them, recognizing what category someone falls in for the DISC assessment and using the communication style they respond most positively to, or working on new initiatives to make employees feel like they can be their authentic selves in the workplace.

Psychology goes all the way to the beginning: recruiting. Building a killer company starts with finding the best talent, and you get people at their best when they aren’t nervous, and can be themselves. Every time I have had to interview someone, or have been interviewed, I don’t hesitate to crack a joke or have an actual conversation with the person because that is really how it should be. Believe it or not, recruiters actually like to hear how you’re doing when they ask you instead of “good” all the time! While this is a known fact that it’s better to tailor interviews to make people feel more at ease, companies still keep interviews pretty routine and static. Fear may be a great tactic to scare people into getting things done or to see how they do under pressure, but that is the worst idea ever if you’re trying to get people to stay long term and actually want to work. I could make this a huge paragraph and explain why a good company needs an executive leadership team that uses psychology to make their employees feel safe, seen, and valued…but it seems self explanatory, right? You’d be surprised how many companies are lacking this. Psychology is still seen as a luxury rather than a necessity in the business world, and in my totally biased but actually factual opinion, putting psychology into how a company manages change, making employees feel like they matter, and having good leadership is where companies should be focusing more of their time instead of more razzle dazzle benefits or a couple more hundred dollars in a bonus.

6. Psychology predicts if not eating marshmallows leads to better money managing

Psychology is important when it comes to how you manage your money. Those who invest and see the benefit of saving their money rather than buying that new car or stupidly expensive purse probably also would have passed the famous instant gratification test done in 1972 by Stanford. This measured how well children could delay the immediate gratification of eating 1 marshmallow to receive greater rewards in the future aka 2-3 marshmallows. The longer they waited, the more marshmallows they got. This ability at a young age predicts success later in life by having the ability to be patient rather than need to feel satisfied right away.

The way you spend your money can also tell others a lot about you. Those who buy extravagant things for others or for themselves may be trying to boost low self-esteem, and money is their way of gaining status or trying to get others to like them. Money can actually buy happiness for some if they believe negatively about most aspects in their life, and their wealth is part of their identity. Additionally, extroverts are more likely to take risks with their money than introverts when it comes to investing, but also as we know, money can make people do some crazy things like doing weird jobs for a couple bucks or staying with a job you despise just for the salary. While money is just a piece of paper, it is the psychology around it that makes it come alive.

7. Psychology connects ice cream sales and homicides

Meteorologists can provide forecasts for so much more than weather if they’d tap into the psychology of weather. There is a lot of research out there saying that ice cream sales and homicides are positively correlated on hot day. The glue that binds this innocent topic to this not so innocent act is the weather. Studies show people are more likely to lose their temper when it is a hot day. In this case, ice cream shops should see a 90 degree day, and know to not give a beefy sweaty customer butter pecan when they asked for unicorn swirl because that may end more badly than if it were a chill sunny and 75. Think about it, when you’re sweating when you’re not actually trying to sweat, or trying to do something but starting to get hot, don’t you feel flustered? This goes for other moods too. Vitamin D is no happy pill, and the sun is not the reason we are happy on sunny days. It is the sunny day itself that is making us happy, calm, and content with the world. When people feel like this, there will be less homicides and more acts of kindness.

On the converse, gloomy/rainy days also have an effect on us. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a very real thing (in psychology, affect means mood). Studies show that our moods lower on doom and gloom days, so when we go from sunny summer to dull fall with less hours of light, it is no wonder that there are more cases of depression and low motivation. But, some people may thrive on depressing looking days, and I am one of those people. While studies show that gray days lowers moods, it also shows that it increases deep thinking and improves memory. I love a good, gross looking day, it is prime blogging weather. The darkness of the sky comforts me and makes me feel secure and safe inside in order to get everything I needed done without feeling guilty for being inside on a sunny day. Weather and fear of missing out can be tied together for some people. Other weather psychology phenomenons are the tie between those who live in natural disaster prone areas and mental health problems, low pressure days and suicide, and how strong the wind blows leading to road rage. Why only predict the weather when you can predict when your best chance is to remember all your test answers, too?

8. Psychology can help you flip on a wood plank

Sports psychology has been a love of mine since middle school because I have seen the fascinating effects that it produces. If I were not in business, I would be on my way to being Dr. Lauren Casey, sports psychologist. Psychology is hard to believe because you cannot see it, but really, sports are a great way to show that psychology actually does work. Sports psych helps athletes get out of their heads, hone into positive energy, visualize performance, and helps to solve any issues going on outside of the sport that may be transferring to the court. You become what you believe; so if you think that you have the worst fast ball, are going to miss your free throws, your crush came to watch you play and you’re going to mess up, or have the worlds worst goalie skills, your brain will start to make your body follow that.

Back in 6th grade, I had a mental block trying to learn to do my backhandspring on the high beam. No matter how many times I told myself to go, my body would not move (my brain doing its job and keeping me safe by refusing to do a flip on a wood plank? How terrible!) I would get a cold shock through my brain if I was about to chuck the skill which made me even more freaked out. It was like there was a brick wall behind me not allowing myself to flip, but really my mind was in the way creating a wall of fear with all the bad outcomes that I pictured in my head. My coach brought in a sports psychologist for the team that week and we did an exercise where we visualized ourselves doing the one thing we were scared of perfectly over and over. After that, I walked over to beam and threw that backhandspring with no hesitation. Athletes tend to only picture the bad outcome, but when we focus on the good, and believe we can reach new heights, that’s when we get GOAT athletes!

9. Psychology is a sleeping pill

Sleeping is a time for our bodies to finally chill out and recover after a long day, but nowadays, I am starting to hear of more sleeping problems as if sleeping is a chore. There really is a pill for everything, but sleep is something that can be fixed without a pill. The psychology of sleep is truly fascinating because our subconscious mind is just as active as our conscious mind when we give it the chance. Sleeping conditions can be a reason that you aren’t sleeping well; maybe the door open freaks you out more than you think, you’re almost asleep and then you remember your leg is hanging off the bed for the monster under the bed to get (I can’t be the only one, still), or maybe your room is too hot causing you to have some wacky dreams. Sleep psychology gets down to the bottom of why you wake up during a certain sleep cycle, helps to calm the anxieties in your head that yell at you at night, and can even help with sleep breathing disorders by working to get the parasympathetic nervous system to kick in. Next time you have a hard time falling asleep, keep in mind that the reason behind it is often psychological and you just need to listen to your mind or your body to figure out what is wrong.

10. Psychology allows you to change others’ behavior

Growing up, we were taught to never play with people’s emotions….but there was never anything said about playing with people’s behavior! The psychology of gamification can be applicable and helpful to pretty much every area of life- but especially the work world, or parenting. It can be hard to get people to do what you want if you simply ask them sometimes, but once that same thing is turned into a contest or a game, it magically gets done very quickly. Kids will respond much better to doing chores if there is a point system or a prize at the end. Employees will pass phishing tests more frequently if there’s a contest for who can pass the most tests. Why do you think snapchat is doing so well? Because of the streak concept, and the need to keep up with the task in order to not lose the “game.” Additionally, it can even work on yourself! New Years Resolutions are the most open ended initiative ever, but if your goals were turned into a game or contest, you’d be a lot more motivated to complete them. Many people struggle to work out more, eat better, etc…but that’s because motivation and willpower isn’t enough. The key to success is making everything a competition because humans are naturally wired to want to win! We all have experienced the race to finish a task before the microwave buzzer goes off, don’t deny it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of you already knew of these, but you probably forgot just how much psychology affects you in day to day life. I challenge you to pay attention to the decisions you make at the grocery store, the thoughts you have while driving, the actions you take when it is rainy out, and how you respond to things and others at work this week. You will be fascinated at how it all ties together!

Happy September, friends!


The Most Memorable Lessons from Every Year of Life

Each year my birthday rolls around, I like to look back and see all the new milestones and misfortunes I’ve encountered in previous years. This year is the iconic “golden birthday” for me, which gives me a reason to make a big deal out of turning a random age of 23. Psychology says that you remember significant moments the best because of how feelings associate with memory stores. While I don’t remember much before the age of 4; there are a few recollections I randomly have that I don’t understand the significance of at all. It’s interesting to look back at each year of your life and try to figure out why the moment that stood out the most did, because for a lot of mine, there definitely were a lot more important things going on in my life at the same time. With that, here’s a look into a memory that stood out from each year of my life (and perhaps a mini child psychology lesson on how the mind and memories change as we get older!)

1. Tantrums in public places are effective

I have always had a little bit of a stubborn side, even back to diapers. My location of choice to be stubborn has not always been the most convenient…for my parents. On this day in particular, shopping was not what I wanted on my agenda so I decided to crawl under a department store display table and started kicking and screaming and flailing my limbs. I wouldn’t let my mom get me out from under the table, it was my fortress, and no pacifier was working that day. I was just not having it with Macy’s new spring inventory I guess. I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish, but if the goal was to get out of there it worked. If the goal was to embarrass my mom, that worked too.

2. Stubby legs are a hazard

It doesn’t seem like a slide would be dangerous, but when you take a two year old wth stubby legs down a curvy carnival slide at the county fair, we learned that’s a problem. My mom put me in her lap to go down the slide, not knowing that when we approached a turn my leg wouldn’t go the same way as hers which resulted in my little leg jamming into the side of the slide. I wasn’t quite at the conversational age yet, but I did manage to repeat “leg” over and over again to confirm my mom’s worst thoughts as she felt my leg do things it wasn’t supposed to.

3. Best friends go to the bathroom together

I don’t quite remember much from being three, except for Anna. Our parents may have been what brought us together, but it was our own doing of being the dynamic duo by being each other’s plus ones to our brothers’ birthday parties, ordering the same thing at restaurants when our families went to Red Robin, making up songs, wearing matching outfits every time we saw each other, and we even hopped on the trend of girls going to the bathroom together at an early age. This is the age that I learned what having a best friend looks like, and to this day, our friendship sets the bar very high and sets my expectations. Over the years, not much has changed except for the fact that her growth spurt started when mine stopped.

4. Gymnastics is not a french toast sticks eating contest

The day I entered TAGS gymnastics will always be one of the most monumental moments to me, which is why I probably remember this. When my mom told me I was going to be starting gymnastics, for some odd reason the “stics” part translated to french toast sticks in my mind. I liked my breakfast foods so I was excited to start this new competitive hobby. When she brought me into the building for the first time, I remember looking around and through the windows at all the mats and colorful obstacles to climb on everywhere. While I did not see any french toast sticks anywhere, I was still overjoyed by what I saw instead. The rest is history.

5. I do know my address, I swear

For those who read my embarrassing stories post that included the time I submitted “how to toast a pop-tart” to my kindergarten cookbook, this memory is a close second for memories that still haunt me from kindergarten. 5 year old Lauren was painfully shy to the point where I did not like to speak to adults on my own, let alone sing. I remember this moment because it was the first time I ever felt regret for not speaking up. We were given the assignment to memorize our address to recite to our teacher. My mom helped me at home to make up a song and I was really good at it! When the time came to recite it to Mrs. Tan, I got nervous and told her I forgot, even though I didn’t. I was too shy to sing my song in front of someone, and I could have spoken it, but I had never practiced it like that before. I was all or nothing back then, too. I took the L on that one, and my mom was not happy when I got home.

6. Small people propel easily

Throwback to Mother’s Day in first grade. It was also my next door neighbors grad party. We were only going to stay 20 minutes, but it only took 5 minutes for me to be propelled out of a tiny hole in the net, which sent me flying through the air onto the ground. My left arm broke the fall, and broke itself. The 5 minute bounce session resulted in 2 pins put in my arm and I remember ending the night sitting in the hospital bed apologizing for ruining Mother’s Day. I got a stuffed pink bunny from the hospital so it was obviously worth it all.

7. I’m not the best pet owner

Back in 2nd grade, we were given the chance to take are of a mealworm as a little pet to watch it grow. We got a few minutes each day to take our mealworm out and set it on a paper plate to see it move around. I on the other hand, had different ideas. I would hang my mealworm off the edge of the paper plate with the reasoning that I was training it to be on bars like I was at gymnastics. My mealworms (yeah my teacher gave me a few tries at it) did not live long.

8. When in doubt, run killers

In 3rd grade, I was no Simone Biles that was born with natural talent. I worked hard to do what some of my other teammates easily completed. I remember clearly being called out in a team huddle one day that I wasn’t good enough and probably wouldn’t make it as a gymnast. That lit the fire in me to use what I did have- my competitiveness, and the ability to push myself. That day, I out ran everyone in killers by a landslide, and finished first in the conditioning contest. That same coach came up to me after conditioning and told me “you surprised me Casey, way to go.” I truly believe this grit mentality that was created in me since then was why I did make it so far in gymnastics.

9. I’m a poet and I didn’t know it

What I remember most about 4th grade, is that it was the year I knew I liked to write. My love for writing did not wait to surface until high school, it started in Mrs. Angermeyr’s 4th grade poetry unit. I don’t know what it was that drew me to it; the freedom she gave us to write about whatever we wanted, or the fact that we got to print it on pretty stationary. That year, our whole class wrote poems to submit to a poetry book to be published. I thought that was so cool, and the fact that my poem was in a book gave me the confidence to keep writing. Who knew a poem called “July” could have been the reason I loved AP Lit, CIS composition, and started my blog!

10. I chose my college major in 5th grade

For those who regularly read my posts, you already know my FND story and that it started at the age of 10. While most of my 5th grade year was filled with a lot of traumatizing memories, my love for psychology stemmed from it. When people ask me how I was so confident declaring my major September of my freshman year at a liberal arts college; I tell them it originates from having to learning neurology since 5th grade (that I ended up learning again in college psych). I liked hearing new theories and new facts, and I think my love for the brain made the fact that I wasn’t living the life as a typical 5th grader a lot easier to handle.

11. Life is better without bangs

By the time I got to 6th grade, I was till mourning the loss of my “signature look.” I soon came to realize that my life greatly improved by growing my bangs out since thick headbands, sparkly butt jeans and Aeropostale shirts was the “in look” to be cool at middle school. It also made life easier when I didn’t have to deal with sweaty bangs back in the day of having gym class smack dab in the middle of the school day, or blowing them out of my face at gymnastics practice.

12. Stress leads to my success

I am sure a lot of important things happened in 7th grade, but at this time in my life, gymnastics was my life. I needed to learn how to do a cast handstand on bars in order to move up to Level 7. I had every other skill, but that one. If there was not a skill I could conquer at practice, I would spend all day at school stressing about practicing drills at home, and visualizing it in bed until I got to practice to try it again. One random Tuesday night, my coach told me it was time to pack up my grips and go home after spending all of the hour bar rotation trying to do it. He insisted I could try it again tomorrow, but I didn’t get off the bar. He stood there with his arms crossed trying to coax me to go home, but I told him I could do it. I somehow casted right to handstand and he looked at me shocked. I moved up to level 7 the following week.

13. There is such thing as too many back bends

In 8th grade, out of fear of learning to do a backwalkover backhandspring for my tumbling series on beam (silly me, scared to do a flip on a wood plank), I settled with a backwalkover-backwalkover which resulted in a stress fracture in my back from so many reps. It landed me in a brace for 3 months that I could only take off to shower, and took me out of more than half of my season only giving me 1 week to learn how to swing 360 degrees around the high bar in order to qualify for state (I did it). That’s what I get for trying to go the easy way out.

14. Representing my region

9th grade was my busiest year. My balancing act between all honors classes in school, and all the time working towards my goal of qualifying for Regionals didn’t leave much time for a social life. When I couldn’t go to my friends, they came to me and cheered me on at my meets. There were many nights spent eating Culver’s cheeseburgers or leftovers from dinner at 9 PM and finishing my homework at midnight because of my daily 4:30-8:30 practices, but I didn’t mind. I learned a new backhandspring-backhandspring tumbling series to avoid literally breaking my back again, and a new bar dismount that no one had competed at state, except me. My hard work paid off and I got to represent Minnesota at regionals in St. Louis that year which was the peak of my club gymnastics career, and my last hurrah which I wasn’t aware of yet.

15. Hockey breezers are great for beam

The most significant moment of my sophomore year was making the decision to stop eating Culvers cheeseburgers at 9 PM. By this, I mean I left club gymnastics to find more balance in my life in high school gymnastics. In the gymnastics world, this is a huge change. But to my surprise, I loved the shift. I was able to spend more time with friends and be more of a typical high schooler, all while still trying to reach my dream of college gymnastics. Competing in the varsity lineup for my high school was so much more rewarding than competing for myself. I’ll never forget the time I used random hockey breezers I found outside the gym one day to conquer my fear of missing both feet while learning a front handspring on beam and breaking the fall with my crotch. I ended up competing the fronthandspring as part of my tumbling series through college.

16. No coughing during floor routines

Most people’s most memorable moment at 16 is getting their drivers license. While that is still significant for me, sections junior year is even more memorable to me. On the morning of sections I woke up sick as a dog. I had myself convinced that I was not going to compete that day, but what kind of captain doesn’t show up to sections? I remember being in the middle of my floor routine trying not to cough, then wondering if I would get a deduction if I did cough. Surely there is a deduction for coughing if there is one for your underwear involuntarily popping out. By the end of the meet I was at a fever of 102 and to this day I still have no clue how I made it through.

17. Go for comfort not fashion

I am pretty basic in the sense that Senior Prom night was my favorite part of senior year. It was the last time to be together before we all parted different directions for college. So with this, I wanted to look stunning for the big night and I wanted it to be memorable. I got brand new black heels that were taller than any pair I have owned because my date was a solid foot taller than me, and they matched my black number of a dress perfectly along with the tan I went to Wisconsin for every week since tanning under 18 is illegal in MN (I was dedicated). The night’s lineup included the dance hosted at International Market Square featuring the Johnny Holm Band, and a party bus for the night. While all of this lived up to my high school musical expectations, the pain from being in the tall heels is what I remember most, and I only lasted an hour in them. I haven’t touched them since.

18. Dreams don’t only come true at Disney

My goal to be a college gymnast began when I was 8, and seeing my name on the Gustavus gymnastics roster freshman year was a moment I will never forget, as well as the feeling as being mildly disappointed that I was second shortest on the team rather than the front runner. A lot happened freshman year, including having to quit gymnastics from injury; but being able to say that I made it, even if it was for a little bit, overpowered it all. I loved the team dinners, high energy meets, brunches at coach’s house, and dressing up as a Taco Bell hot sauce packet (I was short and spicy) for halloween with the rest of the freshmen specifically stands out to be during this time, because why wouldn’t it?

19. Everyone could use sisters

Starting out sophomore year with no gymnastics was really hard on me, but I found a new community to devote myself to and found more time to do other things such as going to France over J-Term. While France was awesome, the biggest highlight this year was being a Tri Sigma because it is when I met my Big, Perry. This sorority filled a lot of voids that I didn’t know needed filling once I had to stop gymnastics, and Perry was my biggest role model all throughout college. The day the sorority knocked on my door and sang loudly in my face to let me know I was a part of the sisterhood was something I didn’t know I needed until that moment.

20. Eggs are in everything

Junior year was not the greatest for me; I lived in an office (only could fit a bed and a small dresser in there), dealt with more health and mental health issues than ever before, and had to cut out gluten, dairy, soy, and egg from my diet to heal gut issues. I really thought that gluten and dairy would be the hardest ones to avoid, but there is egg in literally every food I wanted to eat at the caf except for the salad bar. My nickname that year was “rabbit girl” by the cafeteria ladies. Junior year was kind of a blur for me, but I was pretty great at throwing sorority picnic potlucks despite the fact I couldn’t indulge in any of it.

21. Work perks work

My favorite and most significant memory from senior year was my internship with the VP of HR at Gustavus that landed me my job at Boom lab in October 2019 before Covid kicked me out of school. I was sent on a quest to network with 15 different people at 15 different companies all over the cities. Most of my semester was a big field trip to check out the culture and what kind of company/role I could see myself in. I would not have guessed that Post had a wall of cereal and a cereal and milk bar for their employees, Cantel had a full sized basketball court, QBP encouraged bringing your dogs to work, and Boom Lab had a fridge specifically stocked with all Bubbly to go with their rooftop patio area. Psychology never said that bribing your employees doesn’t work!

22. Any year after 2020 is an improvement

Everything about being 22 was great. There wasn’t one moment that stood out more than the rest (except Covid, finding out I’ve had Lyme for 16 years, and finally having commencement), but rather, who made those moments great.

23. The golden year

While it literally is my golden year, something about this year feels more “golden” than most. I am creating a career path that I love, started up a young adult community at my church, am almost done with my Lyme Disease treatment that will hopefully complete the birthday wish I’ve made since I was 10 that my FND would get better, but most importantly, I discovered Trader Joe’s. I don’t want to speak too soon, but this golden year might just be the year that I overcome all the things I have been enduring and working towards for years….and maybe learn how to cook after saying I would for a year now!

As I was writing this and I started to write about my more recent years, I started to realize a shift and I felt like I was going off topic from the title of this blog. As I tried to reel it in, I realized that I couldn’t because my last few years were filled with a lot of milestones, but it’s more of a collective effort that makes the year memorable, and WHO I was with. Adult Development Psychology says that as we get older, the things we start to remember more have to do with people rather than specific things we did. This is along the same lines as “it’s not about what you did for someone, it’s how you made them feel.” I couldn’t agree more with that statement. I realized that as I’ve gotten older, my focus has broadened more, and I am not thinking about gymnastics (or french toast sticks), being perfect in school, achieving things for my own advantage, or bad events that happened to me like breaking a bone. Now, I’m focused on connecting with my coworkers to make a difference in someone’s day, who I want to spend my time with, and what moments have made me into the best version of myself. I have no clue what this next year holds for me, but as long as it doesn’t involve any more pandemics, ticks, department store tantrums, back bends, or singing my address- I think I am on the right track.

Have a golden rest of July, friends!


FND and Me: Functional Neurological Disorder Awareness Day 2021

In honor of Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) Awareness Day approaching quickly on April 13, encourages those who live with this disorder to share their experience in preparation for this day! While this is my fourth year sharing my story, this year, I am sharing what it is like for me to live with FND- NOW. So much has happened the last few years, meaning, theories I’ve said in past posts aren’t correct anymore. The cause, and ways I manage it have all changed.

A recap for those who are new: FND is a problem with the nervous system that causes the brain to send incorrect signals to the body. My brain’s “hardware” is structured correctly, but the “software” and the way it communicates with my body is incorrect. FND impacts quality of life similarly to Parkinson’s, Tourette’s, Epilepsy, and stroke- but FND patients often run into the problem of doctors believing symptoms are made up or psychological due to no signs of abnormal brain waves. While I’ve had FND for 12 years now, I was misdiagnosed for 8.5 of those years with a movement disorder on the Tourette’s Syndrome spectrum and was told I would grow out of it. It was very clear after 8 years that was not the case, and it’s been a frustrating journey of trying to find the correct diagnosis which finally landed on FND through process of elimination. Currently, there is still no cure for FND itself because it is a complicated cocktail of neurological, biological, physiological, and psychological factors.

FND symptoms are unique to each person, but for me, it causes violent non-epileptic seizures (spells as I say) on the left side of my body. Spells happen primarily when I sleep happening in cycles through the night, but will happen during the day if I’m sick, sit too long, don’t exercise everyday, look at a screen too long, eat dairy, or am stressed/tired. They present as being in a sudden, uncomfortably stiff/frozen position with unnatural postures, then are followed by rhythmic and rigid jerks, and cycle through this until I distract myself or do physical activity to get it to stop. They started out mild; only in my left arm, but over the years it spread to my leg and neck, and have become more powerful than my own voluntary strength. It’s always been hard and embarrassing for me to explain to others why I have to do things the way I do (most don’t believe I must work out everyday or can’t sit too long until they see the aftermath if I disobey FND), but hopefully this gives more insight into why I have to do things a little differently than most. With that, here’s the latest update on me and FND- and check out my exciting announcement at the end that will be taking place April 13!

Cause: In the lyme-light

I’m so happy to have Lyme Disease. While it sounds like an odd thing to say, I can finally be part of the 30% of those that know the origin of their FND. This is a huge win after thinking I’d be in the 70% of those who go their lives without ever finding out why this happened since I’ve been in a game of hot potato of doctors the last 12 years…me being the potato. I previously shared I went to an alpaca farm in June for a wedding only to become extremely sick with Covid symptoms, but tests were negative. What was not known to me at the time was that I’ve actually had Lyme since I was 6, and something on the farm made it wake up after 16 years to create a horrible month of existence. Lyme was the missing piece of the puzzle all these years that has rid me of feeling like the muse for the song “Wonder” by Natalie Merchant.

2004- easy, breezy, covergirl
  • Mysterious hives/swollen joints at age 6 with no found cause => Given steroids that cleared all up => Steroids caused immune system to stop fighting off undiscovered Lyme in initial stages => Lyme became dormantly active
2008- First FND spell
  • 4 years with untreated Lyme => Bacteria reached nervous system => First FND spell at age 10 => Misdiagnosed for 8 years to follow
2017- 5 day sleep study at Mayo Clinic- officially diagnosed with FND
  • No treatment worked from any doctor/Mayo clinic => Spells worsened over the course of 12 years
2020- Post alpaca farm
  • Went to alpaca farm => Red spot appeared on arm => All tests indicated no illness after being sick for a month => Lyme antibodies test as a last resort => Results showed 2 strains of Lyme all these years => Series of events match up with FND milestones and Lyme effects explain FND symptoms:
    • FND gets worse when sick because immune systems can’t multitask well, and mine has been trying to constantly fight Lyme for 16 years. When another sickness gets added on top it becomes too much for my nervous system.
    • Sunburn, sleep deprivation, hormones, dairy, etc. create more stress on my Lyme infested nervous system, causing worsened spells.
    • Not exercising daily creates a build up of toxins from no detoxification through sweating so spells worsen from stress on nervous system. Also my main method of stress relief. Any and all stress on body/mind = bad for nervous system!

There is not one thing that my Lyme Disease does not explain about my FND. I spent years praying for answers, and never would’ve thought my answers would be through a quest to puzzle a path back to my childhood! God works in mysterious ways…if it were not for COVID, the wedding would not have been moved, which means I probably never would have discovered my Lyme either. Thank God and alpacas!

Treatment: Kill everything except people

Now that I know my cause of FND, I can treat the Lyme. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean FND will be flushed out of my nervous system, too. 16 years is a Grand Canyon amount of time for neural pathways to deepen, and Lyme caused my body to pass an internal stress threshold that triggered my FND (epigenetics jazz). Its like trying to get crumpled up paper back to its orginal state; Lyme treatment will hopefully improve my FND symptoms, but it won’t be back to my pre FND life.

Treatment looks a lot different than past attempts; I’m no longer using a techy headband listening to indian flute music for Neurofeedback therapy to train my brain waves. I’m not making old guys at Walgreens look at me weird for buying out all the pill boxes to sort my 84 supplement pills I took a day. I have not had to wear any patriotic looking electrode swim caps to map my brain. My dad isn’t delivering anti seizure medication during basketball and gymnastics practices that made me a shell of myself. I’m not on Parkinson’s medication that caused hallucinations anymore, have not had lasers shot into my head lately, and haven’t slept with sandpaper for a while. I haven’t been to the Mayo clinic in a while to give 14+ tubes of blood for testing. There’s been no peanut butter and banana brought to my bedside at 3 AM since protein apparently fixes all things, and I have not been hooked up to an epilepsy ceiling belt to go to the bathroom in the recent past.

Now, I’m on a holistic treatment called “Cowden Protocol” that was made for those with chronic Lyme. A lot are skeptical about supplemental treatment, me included, but the science has been done and targets parts that antibiotics don’t. The selected supplements are proven to flush all bacteria/spirochetes out in full which lands them a spot on the KEEP (kill everything except people) list as Dr. Cowden calls it. This has been around for 37 years and is effective for those who can actually bare to do it….let me explain:

The protocol consists of taking 14 liquid and capsule supplements four times a day for 9-12+ months. For each dose, an app on my phone tells me the mixture needed and how many drops of each. Here’s the kicker: in order for the program to work; I must take doses 30 minutes before I eat, exercise daily to detoxify tissues, cut out sugar, and the hardest one? Drink 3 Liters of water daily by taking 3-4 oz sips every 30 minutes all day long. While this doesn’t seem like a hard task; I plan out my days around drinking water and “nature’s call” so I don’t repeat my race car driver experience of finding a gas station while running errands, or seriously considering popping a squat in a backyard. The phone app sends “water pouring” sound reminders every 30 minutes, and can make things weird when it comes across my speaker on work calls (it sounds like I’m using the bathroom-found that out the hard way). Is it working? Yes. How do I know? By weird effects happening indicating the Lyme is leaving me such as random full body hives, brain fog, and swollen joints. My life is never a dull moment I can assure you.

Lyme begone

Exercise: Cardio isn’t as hardio

As mentioned, Cowden Program requires working up a sweat everyday, but even then, those who have followed me on my journey know my FND will flare up if I don’t work out everyday. This is one of the weird quirks that I’ve wished would go away so I wouldn’t have to worry about exercising on vacations, days where I don’t have time to, or am sick. Unfortunately, the fact that exercise keeps my FND from happening has not changed…. but, it has improved! Now, I can exercise at night if that’s when my schedule allows, rather than needing to in the morning since in the past I would flare up if I didn’t work out every morning. Additionally, in the past I would need at least 1.5-2 hours of cardio to keep my FND at bay. Now, I am down to 1 hour of cardio to keep it at bay. Exercise is obviously a great habit to have, but having to be dependent on it like I have for years sucks the joy out of it. Now, I am starting to enjoy it more, as I can spend more time doing exercise activities I actually like versus strictly running or elliptical for an insane amount of time.

Diet: Goodbye rabbit girl

I wrote in a past post that my nickname in college became “rabbit girl” by the cafeteria ladies after having to go gluten, dairy, soy, sugar, and egg free. My plate would be piled high with “rabbit food” since the only thing I could eat in the cafeteria (my apartment didn’t have a kitchen) was the salad bar. Everything is cooked in soy or egg these days! This was enforced back then to heal a Candida gut infection (not to brag, but my doc said I had the worst gut they had ever seen), another result of Lyme not allowing my immune system to fight infection…which in return worsened my FND because the gut and brain are so connected by the blood-brain barrier.

Now, I am down to dairy free and minimal gluten. Cowden also calls for a temporary limited sugar and simple carbohydrate intake because spirochetes like to feed off cookies as much as I do. I most likely never will be able to fully indulge in dairy like I used to as a mac n cheese, cheesy pizza, grilled cheese, ice cream loving kid since dairy is inflammatory to the brain..but I have found some stellar dairy free alternatives now that veganism is becoming a trend!

Sleep: dreams aren’t very sweet

Overnight sleep study to try to capture why it happens while I sleep.

Sleep has been and remains as my biggest hurdle since my spells have always occurred at night. But since Lyme treatment started, the bacteria coming out of me causes my spells to become a lot more severe because my body doesn’t like change, even if it’s good change. I’ve started having unconscious spells during the night- which in turn makes me scared to sleep because I can feel the seizure coming but can’t stop it- different from the warm sensation I usually get before a FND spell. I become numb and cold on my left side before extreme pressure builds in my head, my vision blacks out, ears ring, and I feel like I’m spinning/falling before my hearing shuts off and everything suddenly stops (I don’t know if feeling unconsciousness is a thing but I know for a few seconds that I’m unconscious). The first few times this happened, I thought I dreamt it because I couldn’t remember any of it and woke up perfectly fine a few hours later. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes, especially once I was informed of what happens while I’m unconscious. Most people look forward to go to sleep, but for the last few months, I do everything I can to prevent myself from sleeping out of fear that I will black out and I won’t become conscious again while alone in my apartment. This is the first time in my life I have become unconscious from my FND, and the first time I’ve felt truly terrified of what this disorder can do.

Stress and sleep deprivation are so bad for FND and Lyme, but I am ironically in a nasty cycle of not getting sleep, and stressing over being scared to sleep which releases large amounts of Cortisol that makes my nervous system even more stressed. Recently, my doc put me on a real life chill pill (Melatonin) to balance out my cortisol levels so my body can stop thinking it’s in a civil war with itself. Thankfully it has given me some relief and I am joyfully back to dreaming about my teeth being pulled out and dancing green beans!

Work: Making invisible visible

A big fear upon graduating was how my FND would react to sitting at a desk all day since my nervous system has made clear at previous internships it doesn’t like desk jobs. As much as I wish I could actually say I’ve been to my office since my final interview, working from home has been great for me! I’m able to get up for a quick elliptical session or crank out some push ups in between meetings if I feel a spell coming. I’ve never discounted myself or my abilities as an employee because of my FND, and I proved that to be true this year, as I received my first promotion, and I now am in a new role! I am rolling off my project at Allianz and will be working on 2 HR related projects at Cargill.

Along with this new assignment, I also was selected to be on a new Diversity, Equity & Inclusion task force for my company, and serve on the recruitment enablement committee. I am acting as a voice for those with invisible illnesses in the work force (and a psychology nerd) by sharing my own experience/psychology ideas in order to create an environment that feels safe, and ends stigma for those who have conditions like mine, or other circumstances that have an unconscious bias tacked to them. Great talent can be missed simply because working conditions aren’t flexible for those with invisible illnesses, recruiters are overlooking places or categories of people, or the culture doesn’t feel comfortable! It feels amazing seeing my ideas implemented, and being in a role I am so passionate about; such as educating recruiters on their own biases, and making invisible illnesses a focus along with the other categories such as gender, ethnicity, veteran status, and race. I can confidently say that work doesn’t feel like a job, but rather a vocation.

Living situation: My own homie in my homey home

I moved this month! And I have new roommates: me, myself, and I! All throughout college, I had living situations that weren’t the right fit for me or my health (throwback to living in an office cube junior year). A big part of my FND staying stirred has been not being able to fully relax in my own space and feel “at home.” I always felt like I was walking on eggshells to make sure I made my roommates happy, or hide my FND. Post graduation, I moved to a two bedroom apartment tower with a roomie, and while all was well for a while, I still felt like I was in a dorm/hotel, and didn’t feel I had my own space to relax mentally and just “be.”

I now am in a one bedroom 30 seconds down the street that is perfect for me! There’s this thing that says people adopt dogs that “look” like them, well, I adopted an apartment that looks like me. It is tucked away with a nature trails backing up to it, and feels like a home rather than a place to live. I enjoy being on my own schedule, having my own space to decorate, and not riding an elevator up to the 6th floor anymore!

Relationships: Law of attraction

Psychology says that you attract what you focus on and the energy you give off. Once I graduated from college, I committed to focusing on being positive, healthy, and finding fresh relationships. Upon doing this, it quickly revealed to me which individuals in college were with me for the long haul. My friendships have improved so much since getting out of college and starting fresh has been so good for me. After instances of being called the “R word” in class in front of everyone, being used for my skills, a curiosity case, or being treated wrongly by those who don’t understand; it’s been a breath of fresh air finding new friends through church and mutual friends. I now don’t feel ashamed for sharing about FND with others because I surround myself with the right folks and energy.

Mental health: Blame game

I always said I was fine having a causeless and cureless condition because there were much worse things in the world…but that wasn’t all true. Denial and convincing myself that I was fine was easier than facing the fact that I was missing out on things that I loved doing growing up; traveling, last minute day trips, or sleepovers are a few to name. Every time I had an embarrassing spell in public, and the stares that followed- I told myself that it didn’t bother me…but it did. I’ve always been an independent person; and having to ask for help for easy things has been something I am still trying to learn how to do without feeling weak or down on myself. I remember one time in particular I needed help walking, and I felt so ashamed and stripped of my dignity because it’s just not normal seeing a dad help his 18 year old walk through a mall on vacation.

Having a chronic condition that impacts the simple things in life that others can easily do can really take a hit on the psychie, especially when others can’t relate and get frustrated even if I try to explain why things like staying overnight somewhere is difficult for me. I’ve learned it’s hard for others to put themselves in my shoes because we are made to be in control of our bodies, not have parts of our bodies be in control of us based on certain decisions made. While my parents have seen my deepest struggles, and know the condition in and out, they still won’t ever know how it feels and the hesitation that comes with every decision I make, and that can be super hard sometimes not having anyone that I know be able to relate to me in that sense! I still struggle with feeling bad and like a burden at times because those who are with me may have to compromise to help me manage my condition, but often times still don’t understand why I need things a certain way because explaining FND to someone feels like I’m speaking spanish to someone who only knows swahili. Stuffing all my emotions over the years trying to look/feel “normal” led to even more mental health problems and manifested in other ways such as OCD/perfectionistic tendencies, and disordered eating, to feel in control since I didn’t have control over my own limbs.

But now, finally having something to blame and having real, tangible explanations for everything that has happened to me feels so dang good and is a weight lifted off me! All the memorable spells I’ve had over the years I can blame on Lyme, rather than having no explanation as to why things happened and just having to stuff it then move on. It’s a lot easier for me to explain to others that what happens to me comes from Lyme Disease, rather than FND, because Lyme is more familiar to others. I can take more risks now because I know what will trigger Lyme, rather than not participating at all from not knowing what would or would not affect FND. Because of this, I have been able to make up for what I lost in college; having my first alcoholic beverage with my friends, eating birthday cake, celebrating good news, traveling more, and blaming Lyme for any flare ups from doing all the things I haven’t been able to do. While we learn to try not to blame others/things for our actions, I am putting full blame on Lyme Disease and that minuscule tick that made the mistake of biting me 16 years ago.

Awareness: Lighting up FND

If you would’ve told me years ago that I would be the reason the state of Minnesota is lighting up the Minneapolis Lowry Ave Bridge for FND, I would’ve looked at you like you had 5 eyeballs. My awareness initiatives started off so small years ago.

Sharing my story for the first time with the world (aka Facebook) four years ago was one of the most liberating things I have ever done. That year, I teamed up with the FND Hope organization for a fundraiser in which my sorority and a few friends and family contributed to. The positive feedback and interest I received back fueled the fire for me to keep sharing my story to educate the world about one of the most unknown conditions out there – even Mayo isn’t up to speed on it yet. To this day, I have a hard time speaking about my story (writing allows me to hide behind my screen here), but I felt called to speak at a college org campus event about my FND story and how it has grown my faith. That talk led to others approaching me with their struggles and allowing me to show them how to navigate their journeys with grace and strength like I have mine. This made me want to share even more so I could continue to help others who have experienced a chronic illness, adversity, diversity, and discrimination like I have. I started sharing my treatment experiences on social media and frequently work with FND Hope to promote FND awareness and support others who have not found correct treatment yet by sharing my theories tried. Finally, as mentioned, my efforts led to getting the state of Minnesota to light up the Minneapolis Lowry Avenue Bridge orange and blue on April 13th for FND awareness day as part of a global initiative to light up landmarks around the world.

I could easily hide my condition and avoid the stigma that comes with it, but I did that for 8 years, and that was 8 years I could have been showing others that while this condition has taken a lot from me, it has also been the origin of so many good things and some of the most fulfilling work I’ve done. I know that I’m small compared to the rest of the world, but seeing what I can make happen, and how far the FND initiative has come, gives me real hope for the future of me and FND. Thank you to everyone who has supported me over the years; the kind words, hospital visits, cards, compliments that I look great with electrodes glued to my head, patience, help, understanding, and endless encouragement to finally get me where I am today!

Join me in recognizing FND Awareness Day in less than a month now on April 13- and this year, it is a happy one, indeed!