I don’t think I need to inform you that our world’s have been tipped upside down and shaken a couple times like trying get the last bit of ketchup out of the bottle. Target has no TP, stocks are plummeting, social distancing has become a hashtag, the health club is closed, and restaurants that have served us for years have closed their doors. Nothing about this is normal, but as terrible as this all may be, many of you know I like to find blessings in disguise. In this case, being stuck inside has been one. While I am still trying to find the hidden blessing in having to end my senior year of college at home, online, and am missing out on all the big things spring of senior year brings, I know someday I will have my answer. This post is to highlight everything I have realized since I’ve been stuck in the Casey quarters, as well as to voice my thoughts on the matter that I am sure many of my fellow seniors share.
You don’t know what you have until it is gone
As deep as this may sound, that’s not where I am going with this. First, toilet paper. I never would guess this is where peoples’ minds would go in a crisis, and while it seems like there are more important products to focus on, think about the last time you went and reached for TP but it wasn’t there – your stomach dropped and you panicked, don’t deny it. Second, food items. The phrase “where’s the beef?” has turned into an actual question. America also seemed to throw the low carb Keto diet out the window. Bread and cereal are disappearing, and this is the first time my family has gotten white bread in years instead of our fancy flax fiber bread (maybe with less fiber we won’t need as much TP). Whether people believe cereal will keep them alive, or if they’ve just rediscovered their Lucky Charms addiction because they were out of Raisin Bran and had to make up for all the years they missed out on it by buying out the store? I don’t know. Third, the gym. I have found that making my own workouts or the thought of going for a run is so daunting when I’m used to hopping on an elliptical everyday while watching Netflix. Third, independence. While I love my family and can easily go hide in my room all day, there really is no true independence when forced to be in the same place for days at a time, and honestly I feel bad for my parents having to deal with me when I’m in a mood! I love the company and not being alone through this, but I am starting to get flashbacks to my middle school/high school days and slowly am forgetting I am a 21 year old senior in college! Lastly, college. The thought that I can’t go back and do over the events and celebrations I am missing makes my heart break.
I am a homebody…to an extent
This situation is so ironic because I was always one to come home from Gustavus on the weekends because I missed the comfort of my room, and a shower bigger than a MRI machine tube. Now, I can’t wait for the day I can go inside a building other than my house. Heck, even going inside the DMV sounds fun at this point. I am getting tired of the bubblegum pink walls in my room the more I’m encased in them, and it is never something I have felt before! I love my home, but when you are forced to stay in it, everything looks different.
Wants vs. needs
Maslow’s heirarchy of needs has never been so true; because I don’t see getting my hair done, going to yoga class, needing new clothes, buying a certain brand of bread, or going to the movies anywhere on that pyramid. During this time, I have been rocking sweatpants and no makeup every day – because mascara won’t keep me any more alive than I already am (although it makes me look more alive am I right ladies?). I have eaten leftovers multiple times this week (12 lbs of ground turkey for a now canceled sorority event coming in clutch) -because where I eat doesn’t matter as much as what I eat. I have let my roots grow out, revealing that I am not a true bright blonde anymore- because my hair color won’t kill me. My days have become so simple, and I actually enjoy it. Relying on what I truly need vs want has left more time for important things such as family and self growth. At the end of the day, your acrylic fingernail job won’t get you very far if you are feeling alone and need a hug from family to get you through all this.
Take things one day at a time
For someone who likes to be in control of everything in my life, more specifically the future, this has been a test for me. Hearing that I had to finish school online which includes writing my senior capstone research paper, my stress levels hit the roof (they’d go higher but I’m stuck inside). My dad always told me to take things one day at a time, and that’s all I can do right now so I don’t freak myself out thinking about how I’m going to figure out how to present my final research to my class online, how much strength I’m losing without the gym (soup cans can only take you so far), or if I need to keep planning things that were supposed to happen in May. Honestly, I don’t even know what day it is today because everyday is so different that I can’t keep track! It’s amazing how much more calm I feel when I am not trying to figure out answers to questions that only God knows.
I never thought I’d see so many people coming together to help each other, and it is heartwarming and screams Mark 12:31! It’s also been refreshing hearing officials on the news come together to fight this rather than fight each other. All the small businesses offering free delivery, curbside service, and the community rallying to support them has been eye opening. Strangers offering resources and time to those who need it most is incredible. There certainly are no shortage of babysitters, food donations, positive hashtags, and time for one another. It makes me wonder what more we could do if we all had more time in our lives. I have enjoyed seeing more people out walking in my neighborhood, the hanging of Christmas lights to unify neighborhoods and knowing a big snowstorm probably won’t accompany them as usual, and knowing that we all share the same struggle right now. Psychology shows that tough times make humans feel a closer bond, and I can definitely see that happening!
How great technology is
This is not a humble plug due to the fact that I’m going to be an IT consultant soon…or is it. I can’t even imagine what life would be like during this time if technology were not a thing. I wouldn’t finish class, attend a church service, wouldn’t get to Facetime my best friend in quarantine, make and watch Tik Toks to pass time (maybe that’s why it’s called Tik Tok), snapchat ugly pictures to people in order to make them feel better, record my at home work outs to post for my fit fam, write this blog, or call my grandparents to see if they are ok and continue to answer the same questions about my love life. If we had none of this, we would have to do something insane like actually read a book or even worse, have nothing to do for more than five minutes at a time.
I’m extremely grateful
Seeing how everything has unfolded, it has made me so grateful for where I am in life right now. I am grateful to have accepted a job offer last fall, and I can’t even imagine what my peers are going through right now trying to get hired during a hiring freeze. I am grateful for the resources I have. Food on the table, a bubblegum pink room to sleep in, a car to act as a safe haven bubble when I need to get away, and plenty of toilet paper as well as other paper products I could possibly wipe with (I bet those XL dinner napkins work great) are available to me and a for sure thing during this unsure time. Lastly, I am grateful for my health, and that I started my new treatment when I did. It has given me the privilege to feel less anxious than those who may have other conditions, and know that my brain can handle this situation a lot better than it would have a couple months ago. As weird as it sounds, I am grateful to have FND rather than asthma like my brother. This time of trouble has shown me just how many people aren’t sure if their kid will get lunch that day, or even a meal a day. Not everyone can zoom off to the store or get away when they want to. Not everyone has a family they love being around, and not everyone can even be with their family during this time.
Nature is neat
Due to the fact my gym is closed, it means I had to swap out the treadmill with the “outdoor walk” scene, for the actual outdoors. The past weeks I have gone on very long walks and runs through town, and even though I take the same route each time, I still have yet to be bored. Spring is one of my favorite times; it reminds me that all the cold and ugliness of winter is literally melting away as the sun shines longer and brighter each day. I’ve felt closer to God this week out on my walks, because something about being out in nature brings more clarity to me. I can only hope that God will let the cold and ugliness of this pandemic melt away and bring more warmth to the world soon. The one thing that’s not so neat about nature? Getting chased by a goose down the road during a run, 100% would not recommend this experience!
A new level of productivity
Upon arriving back home, I realized I had two weeks of break, and nothing to do. I have never wished away a spring break until now. At first doing nothing sounded great; Netflix, sleeping in, and absolutely no sense of responsibility except to make sure I feed myself. That becomes very boring after about a day, and usually I don’t use the word boring in my vocabulary. This week the most fun parts of my day were researching my senior capstone for three hours, cleaning out and organizing 20 years of stuff in the basement, photoshooting all 40 of my Webkinz to post on Facebook Marketplace, and counting in my head all the change I have accumulated from when I was little consisting in $39 in quarters, $20 in dimes, $16 in nickels, and $14.62 in pennies…yes I did in fact willingly spend my time counting 1,462 pennies. Everyday chores such as laundry, clearing out the dishwasher, and vacuuming are now fun for me. What else are you supposed to do so much time on your hands?
New definition for exercise
When I found out Lifetime closed down, I immediately had two thoughts: 1. The irony of a health club closing to keep people healthy and 2. How am I supposed to get my exercise without the gym? I have a weird belief that exercise doesn’t work as well if it isn’t in the gym, but logically that isn’t true, and this experienced has forced me to challenge that belief and heal my weird relationship with exercise. Muscles don’t know the difference between a dumbbell and a soup can, or running on the treadmill versus running outside! I’ve gotten creative with my workouts including using therapeutic corn bags for weights, using a cardboard box full of textbooks for sled pushes, squatting my portable gymnastics bar with bags full of piano books hanging off the ends, coming up with weird new exercises because squats get boring after a while, dancing for cardio and realizing I go a lot harder while dancing to Shake it Off by T Swift than I do on #SprintSaturdays, and seeing what random items I can deadlift. Lastly, walking is so underrated; try walking at a 4 mph pace for 4 miles straight..not like a walk in the park at all!
Little things mean a lot
This experience has made me appreciate the little things in life a lot more. It is normal for me to go spend my afternoon in Starbucks blogging away with my cold brew, and meeting up with my family later at our favorite restaurant spots. Church and brunch every Sunday is a tradition I never thought would be interrupted, especially since I’ve never seen church “close” for anything. The lack of normalcy led me to sitting in the Starbucks parking lot, cold brew in hand, trying to feel that normalcy again, and it felt so nice! Changing up dinner has also been a little thing that makes a huge difference (can’t have taco meat every night, gross), and having my favorite restaurant in take out form has been a luxury! Being able to stream my church service is a small source of courage even though it’s not the same, and cooking up brunch at home led to my brother joining us at the table which hasn’t been a scene in the Casey house since he moved out- something I forgot I enjoyed so much. I always say it is the little things that count; even if that’s sitting in a parking lot jamming out, watching your pastor make a joke even though no one laughs because no one is there, driving through your favorite place to eat, getting outside for a walk around the block, an outing to Target, or talking to a friend over Facetime; they make a huge difference.
I’m ready to adult
When I was back at school, I was apprehensive about graduating because I wasn’t sure how well I would do on my own. I can’t cook nor did I have a kitchen at school, trying to understand anything finance related is a lost cause, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to break off from my parents quite yet. Being home, I have caught senioritis and have realized that I can do all the things I was nervous about, and I actually want to! Like I mentioned, I love my parents, but it is so weird coming back from school where I am used to being independent, then switching to having my mom do my laundry for me again. It feels like a step backwards, and I am at the point where I am ready to move forward and take matters in my own hands, even if that means making some mistakes at first. Although I must say, I am still scared to cook for myself out of sincere concern for my own health.
Being alone doesn’t have to be a bad thing
With all this time on my hands, I have renewed my love for writing, reading for fun, and psychology. None of it feels like a chore, or forced relaxation anymore. It’s amazing how having time to spend improves mindset and perspective. All my life I have been an introvert, and I feel like this experience has been the ultimate test of that. I enjoy being alone, except for when I am alone with negative feelings in which I am a pro for avoiding by staying busy. This ordeal has taught me to actually feel out my sadness from not seeing my friends, stress from uncertainty, and anger from seeing my senior year gone like the TP supply. I’ve learned so much about myself by having that time to figure myself out and become at peace with the wrong kind of March madness.
I’m actually not okay
I thought I was ready to be done with school, but having it end with no closure or warning isn’t what I meant. As I mentioned, I stuff my feelings like my uncle stuffs himself at Thanksgiving. I avoid letting others know I am feeling anything other than great, but this has felt like trying to hold a beach ball under water, so yeah, I did have a meltdown one night at dinner like I did during my terrible twos. Usually when I say I am fine, I truly am fine, but this time the cliche “when a girl says she’s fine she’s not” applies to me. Saying so long to Gustavus on my own terms, my class that I loved going to each week, being able to say bye to my friends who live across the country, my final Honors Day Ceremony, my last formal for sorority, my last term as Psi Chi honor society co-president and receiving my cords, senior week, spring recruitment, potentially commencement… all vanished in the same second. It feels like accidentally letting go of a balloon and watching it fly away, slowly with each confirmed case of COVID-19, my chance of getting my senior year back is farther out of reach and I’m just sitting here watching it go away. It really hit me as I was peeling the pictures off my wall in my dorm, tears rolling down my face in disbelief, and disassembling the place I called home. Many of you know my last three years of college have not been the most enjoyable due to all the adversity I faced, and I was looking forward to the memorable events and ceremonies that would make every hardship I dragged myself through worth it to say that I finally made it to the other side. To be able to say this semester was adversity free. This spring has always been my light at the end of the tunnel, and it hurts knowing that end of the tunnel closed up as I won’t be ending it the way I envisioned it to be as a freshman. I have no other way to put all of this into words except that this situation absolutely positively sucks and feels like a gaping hole is inside me that hasn’t been patched up.
But it is ok to feel this way
Living in the middle of history, while it will always be memorable, these aren’t the memories I wanted to have. I don’t like to feel like I am complaining, which is why I kept these feelings to myself in the first place. I’ve got great things ahead of me; a job and a new apartment, so why should I stay stuck on the death of a few events and recognitions while people are dying? As my parents helped me realize, I am allowed to be angry and sad, but I didn’t expect to feel grief and extreme loss like this. While I know I need to move on eventually, it is ok for me to be jealous of everyone who had their senior year go as planned. While I know Gustavus will do their best to give the seniors the ceremony they deserve, it feels a lot to me like trying to make a crumpled piece of paper back to its original state-it will never be or feel the same. Some of my worst Terrible Tuesdays happened at Gustavus, those who have been following me for a while have heard about the shower curtain situation many times. I can’t help but feel a weird sense of comfort that all of this news hit me on a Tuesday, confirming that my theory of Terrible Tuesday is real, and I now can dump all the blame on the fact that it was a Tuesday rather than someone or something. I know God has a plan for everything and a silver lining will come out of this such as my senior class coming together like never before, but man, what a twisted way to do that. Years from now I’ll look back on this and see how it strengthened me and taught me so many things that I needed to learn before I started the new chapter in my life. Hopefully someday I will look back and laugh at how upset I am that I won’t get one more caf dinner.
It can be hard to find light and be the light in such a serious time, but once we are on the other side of this, nothing will be the same, and I truly believe we will be better than we were. Sometimes it takes something drastic to have a reality check – I know I’ve personally had one and I feel like a new person despite the confusion I am still feeling. I challenge you to find loopholes or new hobbies this week: Facetime a friend over dinner, have a “quarantini” with your girl gang over Zoom, go have a nice lake walk date 6 feet apart (maybe this is the Lord’s universal way of saying save room for Jesus on dates), have lunch at your favorite spot in the parking lot, start a new book, make up a fun workout with the can of beans you know you’ll never actually eat, journal your experience to you have it years from now, get chased by a goose like I did if you’re up for that challenge, or sit and just feel everything you’ve denied. God knows what he is doing, He knows all the answers that we don’t have, and He will guide us down this unknown path. Philippians 4:13, y’all!
Stay inside, and stay sane!